It is funny how when I have all the time to myself, I usually devote it to trouble my mind. Torture myself with vivid memories of me being insufficient and I automatically play a girl of a weak character. It has sort of become my pattern, I think to myself, as weak and clumsy and inefficient. Whom is not worthy of anyone's praises...I wonder if I will ever be able to escape this endless self doubt and pity? Am I ever going to feel like I own it?
All seriousness aside, this semester is going to be a long one. I am already tired of it. Is there anything or anyone who can cheer me up? I don't think so...Is this my frustration of not finding anyone suitable to date? Maybe...I might like to inform you, I once tried Tinder, and massively failed. The ones that I was matched, was either looking for a hookup, or has a girlfriend, just came to kill time...Another who I was matched with, had a business to run and barely could reply instantly, it was as if, I was the one had all the time in the world to wait for his response. So I cut it off, deleted my account permanently for now, I am so frustrated to even have tried this in the first place. What sort of desperate person you think I am to enter into Tinder? And random message strangers on Whisper? I came at this point where I respect myself no more. I don't like what I've become. Really.
What is interesting though, I found people on tinder, who most of them have girlfriends and one of them has a fiance. I don't know what they're still doing there. Maybe they forgot to cut it off or just kept it as a back up. Still not my place to judge. I am just wondering.
Is it vital to get a partner before you turn 25? I know my mother is gonna search and search for a groom before I turn that number, but what frightens me is, what if nobody wants to be with me? Either way? I kind of fancied eloping since I was a teen, not ages ago, I still fancy a romantic love phase...Is it so sinful to want that? To want what I see in the movies, just want some of it to come true? Wouldn't it be nice?
Let's face it. I am not career driven when I speak of these things. Love, marriage, kids. These are the things I want, I am not ashamed to say it...Isn't that everybody wants? At the end of the day, To have a family to come home to? To have someone to cuddle with in the cold nights and share deepest darkest fears with? I know it is not all that matters, To be self sufficient you have to be comfortable being alone. But being alone is what I fear. I might lose respect and dignity to want a man in my life, to confront it, but trust me, it is my insecurity speaking. I am in constant need of validation and being single doesn't help much, I feel like I need a hand, a support. Someone who can keep me going and believe in me....Pathetic, is it?
My grandmother wasn't cruel on me, she was just being herself around me. She was brave and bitter where she needed to be. She knew me. She perfectly knew, how I was short of everything that represents strength of a character. She knew I was shy and quiet. So she chose to give me a hard time...Why does it still makes me cry to think back what she was like to me? Am I abused in someway emotionally? Am I still holding grudge against her for not genuinely be nice to me? She never said, I was pretty, she never complimented me, she always sought criticism my way and I just can't forgive her for that. I wasn't perfect but I didn't deserve to be feeling like an outsider in my own family. Instead of boosting up my confidence, she tore it apart. I still stand by what I say, I am what she's made me. An insecure mess. Who says sorry couple dozen times even if it isn't her fault and be easily amused by kindness people throw at her, can't handle compliments, stutter in presentations and feel no worth to be loved or adored. She had me believe, I am the most unwanted and unnoticed being on this earth, for many years. Of course now I know, I am not. I matter. But sometimes, it all comes back. My unworthiness, tiptoes in, adds to my insecurities and fears and then I could barely see anything positive about my character.
I think I am close to my date, it can be hormonal what I am feeling now. Better if I stop it and take a shower. Enough of this nuisance. I shouldn't blame my late grandmother. She has come from a different past and ambiance of a family, and though I am upset with the way she treated me, I should not blame her for what I am. Surely, she contributed a part in my past but that I shouldn't let dictate my present and future. I have do overs, I like to believe that. And I wanna change oh so badly.
All seriousness aside, this semester is going to be a long one. I am already tired of it. Is there anything or anyone who can cheer me up? I don't think so...Is this my frustration of not finding anyone suitable to date? Maybe...I might like to inform you, I once tried Tinder, and massively failed. The ones that I was matched, was either looking for a hookup, or has a girlfriend, just came to kill time...Another who I was matched with, had a business to run and barely could reply instantly, it was as if, I was the one had all the time in the world to wait for his response. So I cut it off, deleted my account permanently for now, I am so frustrated to even have tried this in the first place. What sort of desperate person you think I am to enter into Tinder? And random message strangers on Whisper? I came at this point where I respect myself no more. I don't like what I've become. Really.
What is interesting though, I found people on tinder, who most of them have girlfriends and one of them has a fiance. I don't know what they're still doing there. Maybe they forgot to cut it off or just kept it as a back up. Still not my place to judge. I am just wondering.
Is it vital to get a partner before you turn 25? I know my mother is gonna search and search for a groom before I turn that number, but what frightens me is, what if nobody wants to be with me? Either way? I kind of fancied eloping since I was a teen, not ages ago, I still fancy a romantic love phase...Is it so sinful to want that? To want what I see in the movies, just want some of it to come true? Wouldn't it be nice?
Let's face it. I am not career driven when I speak of these things. Love, marriage, kids. These are the things I want, I am not ashamed to say it...Isn't that everybody wants? At the end of the day, To have a family to come home to? To have someone to cuddle with in the cold nights and share deepest darkest fears with? I know it is not all that matters, To be self sufficient you have to be comfortable being alone. But being alone is what I fear. I might lose respect and dignity to want a man in my life, to confront it, but trust me, it is my insecurity speaking. I am in constant need of validation and being single doesn't help much, I feel like I need a hand, a support. Someone who can keep me going and believe in me....Pathetic, is it?
My grandmother wasn't cruel on me, she was just being herself around me. She was brave and bitter where she needed to be. She knew me. She perfectly knew, how I was short of everything that represents strength of a character. She knew I was shy and quiet. So she chose to give me a hard time...Why does it still makes me cry to think back what she was like to me? Am I abused in someway emotionally? Am I still holding grudge against her for not genuinely be nice to me? She never said, I was pretty, she never complimented me, she always sought criticism my way and I just can't forgive her for that. I wasn't perfect but I didn't deserve to be feeling like an outsider in my own family. Instead of boosting up my confidence, she tore it apart. I still stand by what I say, I am what she's made me. An insecure mess. Who says sorry couple dozen times even if it isn't her fault and be easily amused by kindness people throw at her, can't handle compliments, stutter in presentations and feel no worth to be loved or adored. She had me believe, I am the most unwanted and unnoticed being on this earth, for many years. Of course now I know, I am not. I matter. But sometimes, it all comes back. My unworthiness, tiptoes in, adds to my insecurities and fears and then I could barely see anything positive about my character.
I think I am close to my date, it can be hormonal what I am feeling now. Better if I stop it and take a shower. Enough of this nuisance. I shouldn't blame my late grandmother. She has come from a different past and ambiance of a family, and though I am upset with the way she treated me, I should not blame her for what I am. Surely, she contributed a part in my past but that I shouldn't let dictate my present and future. I have do overs, I like to believe that. And I wanna change oh so badly.
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