You know, I've always figured, my parents are a toxic couple.
My dad didn't let my mom continue study after inter, My grandmother wouldn't have let her either. They have a mentality that wives are better off staying home looking after kids and serve food on the table. And my mom wasn't a rebel, she's still not one. She is consumed with the notion that, her husband will be the breadwinner and so she could go shopping and stuffs. When my dad says, we have to cut expenses this month, she gets crazy and keeps on ranting how he's not doing well in the business and there's been no luck for us. Then my dad goes on ranting, how he gives, gives and gives and is never appreciated for once. And in between I get the most harsh words. I am such a failure born to this family, I am uncontrollable, I don't do any household work, I sleep all the time and I live unhealthy, I am not doing well in my studies, I am such an evil monster, I am selfish, I am the worst human being in this building and what not....
My mother bit me in my sleep this morning with a plastic hanger. I woke up but after an hour of listening to all the complains and shouting. My father left for work, I shed a few tears without anybody noticing, I did my breakfast, while watching Stranger Things. I am on season 2. It's fantastic.
The thing is tho. This morning, I was thinking if only I could get access to LSD. I want to feel nothing. I want to numb every emotions that there is, every attachment for few hours, gain some tranquility and then come back and deal with life. Funny thing, I've never tried drugs...Only heard and read about the effects. I wish I could try. It's illegal business and I don't have much network. It's hard living in a society like this, being a girl. My parents know what I intake and where I go. There's no chance of me going bad.
Seeing my parents fight now and then about money is something I am used to seeing since I was a kid. They are toxic but backdated. They will fight all through but never separate...They're used to this as well. I don't think there is any perfect family. Inside each of em, things are ugly. I heard my uncle has two wives now. He is a pervert. He cheats on his wife like it's a normal thing to do. The day I found out he's raped a maid in his office at the basement of our old house, I cried myself out. The fact that I couldn't do anything about it but to keep my mouth shut. Pretending to respect him in the family gatherings, made it so difficult. Earlier in my childhood I was fond of him. Ignorance was surely bliss. Right now, I know things I wish I never knew.
The more days pass, the more I want to feel less and less. It's easier having no emotions at all. But metaphorically speaking, if you spend 30 days with a cat, you'll grow feelings whether or not you want to. It's a system. A cruel system God has created...Infatuation. No matter how much I want to be free from it, I get stuck, I get hurt and there's no way of getting out until death.
My dad didn't let my mom continue study after inter, My grandmother wouldn't have let her either. They have a mentality that wives are better off staying home looking after kids and serve food on the table. And my mom wasn't a rebel, she's still not one. She is consumed with the notion that, her husband will be the breadwinner and so she could go shopping and stuffs. When my dad says, we have to cut expenses this month, she gets crazy and keeps on ranting how he's not doing well in the business and there's been no luck for us. Then my dad goes on ranting, how he gives, gives and gives and is never appreciated for once. And in between I get the most harsh words. I am such a failure born to this family, I am uncontrollable, I don't do any household work, I sleep all the time and I live unhealthy, I am not doing well in my studies, I am such an evil monster, I am selfish, I am the worst human being in this building and what not....
My mother bit me in my sleep this morning with a plastic hanger. I woke up but after an hour of listening to all the complains and shouting. My father left for work, I shed a few tears without anybody noticing, I did my breakfast, while watching Stranger Things. I am on season 2. It's fantastic.
The thing is tho. This morning, I was thinking if only I could get access to LSD. I want to feel nothing. I want to numb every emotions that there is, every attachment for few hours, gain some tranquility and then come back and deal with life. Funny thing, I've never tried drugs...Only heard and read about the effects. I wish I could try. It's illegal business and I don't have much network. It's hard living in a society like this, being a girl. My parents know what I intake and where I go. There's no chance of me going bad.
Seeing my parents fight now and then about money is something I am used to seeing since I was a kid. They are toxic but backdated. They will fight all through but never separate...They're used to this as well. I don't think there is any perfect family. Inside each of em, things are ugly. I heard my uncle has two wives now. He is a pervert. He cheats on his wife like it's a normal thing to do. The day I found out he's raped a maid in his office at the basement of our old house, I cried myself out. The fact that I couldn't do anything about it but to keep my mouth shut. Pretending to respect him in the family gatherings, made it so difficult. Earlier in my childhood I was fond of him. Ignorance was surely bliss. Right now, I know things I wish I never knew.
The more days pass, the more I want to feel less and less. It's easier having no emotions at all. But metaphorically speaking, if you spend 30 days with a cat, you'll grow feelings whether or not you want to. It's a system. A cruel system God has created...Infatuation. No matter how much I want to be free from it, I get stuck, I get hurt and there's no way of getting out until death.
Comments
Post a Comment