Everly

I started this blog on June,2013. Today while glancing through the previous posts it just occurred to me to give those things a flash back. A philosopher I was. And an optimist. Actually, reading those few posts made me realize how I've changed and grown since.SO I think it's worth a new post on 31st December and in the last hour of 2014. " Every time it's like i'm changing bit by bit, knowing myself differently, and it's surprising how one person may not know what they're capable of, until they finally go ahead,feel it. " ... It's not that i'm completely relying on luck and whatsoever, but sometimes i guess mistakes can be really sweet and beneficial. i mean you'll never know, what is really going out there. you'll never know if you're assure of what you really want.In crisis, you may feel what you don't have. Again, being surrounded by all the craved thingies you wanted in your life, you may feel something is really mis...

The woman who works here had sort of an emotional breakdown today.Her husband threatened to leave her and she panicked.Oh my god, if you could see the scene! She thumped her head on the door, repeatedly, crying, sobbing ugh and what not. SO much drama. And It didn't just end there. A moment later, when I was sitting on my table, studying, she came to me and stuttered some thing in her native language.I didn't get any of it so I just nodded in response.Piece of advice- "Don't ever nod not knowing what you've been asked for." Okay, then a shocking and awkward thing happened, she just hugged me out of the blue.And there's more. She sobbed onto my shoulder. Not just sobbed, took long-deep breathes. So that's what she asked me before... eww. I got super awkward. I sighed a big relief when she got off my neck,wetting my hair with her tears,nose-water(EWWWW!) and changed into a fresh sweater, washed off my face, cleaned my hands with hand-wash.  And tomorrow...

I've got a bunch of complains today. And it all relates to not having a room of my own. I am sick and tired of compromising, sabotaging plans and of everyone for thinking I am a selfish bitch. I need a god damn space in the house. I am getting totally detached from studies because I can't concentrate by the situation I've been fallen under. And this is no excuse. I get easily distracted. At this point, I'd wholeheartedly support the American kids with the "Mom,Dad just give me some space." dialogue.But let's face it, we are Bangalis, if I tell my parents to back off, they'd be like- "You're my daughter.There can't be any space between us." I thought when my sister would leave I'd get plenty of space and use it for good. Now look at me, I am pacing back and forth, to my brother's room to the living room the night before exam and Nanu alone, is pretty comforted with the room, I and api used to share. I seriously can't tak...

Facts about me. I have a habit of skipping breakfast for sleep. I can sleep 18 hours at a stretch.  How I skip working: for example, when my father asks me to fetch something or do some work I just play dumb. I pretend I didn't hear/understand any of the things he just asked me to do. Working hard or hardly working? Hardly working. Bed is my favorite place to be. Not highly optimistic. I believe sometimes it is practical to think-bad things can happen. I love tea.Desserts.Hugs.Listening music with my headphones in the car and singing alone.I love drama. I hate fish and veggies.Or anything that my mom thinks is nutritious.I like spicy food. I can't stand crowd.Noisy eaters. Back-stabbers. Bullying.Bad eyebrows, control-freaks. I like my privacy.  I get delighted by hand-written letters.  I'm a gadget freak. I'm not religious, I'm spiritual, I believe in Karma. I like guys older my age.Explains why I am always crushing on seniors. A great sense of hum...

I organized my closet today. I actually did! *a round of applause* And I stepped outside the house and after like ages, I took a walk along the road in winter breeze and morning sun. My knees were literally shaking, it's getting that cold. Anyways, so I attended an exam at that hour,a practice test for HSC. And met McDreamy there. Nowadays, I've been feeling numb about him. Sometimes I even get into laughing,thinking that how silly I was to be fallen for him...He's in no way looks astonishing, charming or anything attractive. He just looks like my subject teacher and now that I'm leaving college I won't be seeing him again. Fortunately enough I have forgotten all the feelings he used to cause. Time for a change baby.Let's not call him McDreamy anymore. I have realized my foolishness. So my sister is off to her honeymoon to cox's bazaar. She cried on the phone today.I switched her to Ammu because I was too busy stuffing clothes to my closet.Selfish sister?...

This is it. My sister has officially gone to her in-law's. We're gonna grow apart. But seeing her smiling today, I was relieved. Relieved that she's doing way better than I thought she would.And at this point I just want her to be happy and healthy. No I didn't cry today like I did all these days. Tell you what, It's been a nightmare without her. Everything in the house reminded me of her.I haven't gone out since her farewell so it's been really hard on me. We don't do calls or skype. Everyone there was like "You can call her when you miss her." But this is not the relationship we had. We're sisters, we talked face to face, we cuddled in our sleep, we laughed mindlessly,shared secrets,sometimes we fought over serious issues and bonded over silly stuffs. That's how we always were.That's how we communicated and always will. My life at this point is kind of like it's been through a storm and now it's recovering. And the mo...

Very emotional week. And also exhaustive. I still have my last night make up left over my face. And I am yawning repeatedly per hour.Oh by the way I am typing from my sister's brand new laptop. She's got it from Mama (maternal uncle). My brother was given an android tablet.And I on the other hand was given a make up box and a perfume, which smelled like peaches. It's not that I don't like my gift,It's just that I was given something I have a very small interest in. Eye shadows, never succeeded putting it on all by myself. I attempted once though, watching youtube tutorials and by the time I was finished my eyes looked like someone just punched me in the face. But I have an amounted knowledge with technologies so I wasn't really pleased getting a make up box.I don't blame Mama, for he doesn't know me, he thinks I am one of those girls who are crazy over makeups and stuffs. It's my fault. I should have been more frank and get him to know me better.Oka...

This year is a very significant one for me. Because it had been different. It broke me in a way and built me in another. I'd been torn apart then again stitched up. It has been a different kind of year for me because when I look back at it, it takes me by surprise how I've changed and grown since.What I knew and what I know now. This year made me laugh and cry both at the same time and I started loving myself, my own existence like never before.I turned 18.I got into the hobby of keeping journals.Lived good moments with family and friends.Got into reading English cheesy love novels and enriched my vocabulary.Learned to let go of the things I love.And in this exact same year, I would learn how to live without the person who's considered my half self.My sister.You see, it's been a year full of changes and happenings that I never imagined would come up so fast. It gave me a clearer view of the reality and everything that I was once mindless to.If I were to say which of th...

Yesterday I was super inspired. Today, I overslept, depressed about my acne spots and I am on my period. Piece of advice- When you're feeling inspired, take an action.You know, write, blog, do something productive. Because that feeling won't stay long. Tomorrow is Rag Day of our college.I think it's gonna be boring.*blows a raspberry* I know this is the time I should build up myself for the board exam and admissions but I NEED A ROOM. Give me a room and I'll study and kick those test's ass. Seriously, when's nanu leaving? How many months or years she's planning to stay? I am a teenager, I need my own space for heaven's sake why doesn't she get it? I am not a eves-dropper but today I kind of overheard her conversation while she was on the phone with khalamoni, I was half in my sleep so didn't hear that clear.But seemed like she's staying here for more. I can't, believe me, every single day I would pray to god for her to leave. She...

I had a lot to confess today but my brother is so pissed off he wouldn't let me hamper his sleep with the pc light. He has an early morning school field trip thing. So long story short. I have officially passed all the subjects on test. Today however I got inspired by many people. McDreamy didn't look so charming today. But I miss him. Found out a very embarrassing thing about my sister.EEK. I guess this is it.  

I hate cheesy couple talks. Isn't it obvious? They go like: I was feeling a little off today, but you definitely turned me on. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in. Did you fart, cause you blew me away. I love you like a pig loves not being bacon. if I had to choose between breathing or loving you, I would say "I love you" with my last breath! You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae. I want to be your tear drop, so I could be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips. Babe! you look so fine I could drink your bath water! You're hotter than donut grease. Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner. Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world? You look beautiful today, just like every other day.

My sister lost her cell-phone and she's really upset about it. She might have been crying at the restroom as it is what I am sensing at this moment. She got this phone nearly a month ago and it was the most costly phone than anyone owned in our family. Poor Api! I am feeling really bad for her. She used to be so excited about her new phone and would click out random selfies and be obsessed with it. And the thing that is more hurtful, it was gifted by Abbu and she lost it. SO she can't get any more upset. I partly know how she feels given the fact that I once lost my apple ipod shuffle at school. It was blue and it had my first name sealed on it. It used to be one of my must-have things whenever I'd gone out. I just hope api gets over it, we no longer can bear seeing her be so upset like that. So Fariha came yesterday and we had a girl's night out. It was fun. We happened to tell each-other the topmost secrets going on with our lives. That's what girls are made of...

get rid of acne spots complete reading Fifty Shades trilogy Redecorate my room(looking forward to it) dance rehearsals and select songs for Api's holud, shopping for sister's wedding collect super cute pictures. I am gonna make my own photo album/scrapbook. buy Pride & Prejudice novel from new-market. buy novels that I pinned out on pinterest. love myself a little more take a good care of my hair. I want it to grow fast. gotta take Herbal treatments. spend some quality time with my sister.Well... download a whole bunch of movies and new series. Nap. Nap a good amount. watch tutorials on Youtube about doodling find a spot to hang some funny e-cards-hand made and doodles. Found it. The back of my door. have loads of fun at my sister's wedding.  buy some cute t-shirts for home. change something about myself. Something that should be changed.Umm...sleeping a lot-can't do, eating unhealthy foods-nah...staying up late- umm..OKAY Fine. Namaz five times ...

Guess what? Exams are over! :)) My life is back on track. Now let me take care of the bucket list. Actually it's more of a to-do list.But I hate the sound of it.It brings out a boring vibe.So I decided to be it my bucket list for now.The thought is entertaining, no? Okay so, the very first thing that I am gonna do is redecorate my room after my sister leaves the house. Okay. Before you give me the "You're selfish" look let me get this straight. I am definitely going to miss her.But I have accepted the fact that it's a part of growing up. And let's be honest, she's getting her fare share, a room AND a Husband. But hey,I just want her to be happy. No jealousy included.SO redecorating my room is a Big-Plan. And I'd start working on it after nanu leaves for America.And after things get normal up here when api leaves for her in-law's. Because if I tell my mom about this plan right away, she's gonna beat the ass out of me. Ammu's been so...

good news! I survived those three tests I've been worrying about.Well better if I say, two and a half test. Sir didn't hand out the MCQ sheets yet, which I'd (hopefully) pass anyway. And even better news: my exams are going to end the day after tomorrow.Can you believe that? Then I'd be shopping for my sister's wedding. Yay. Everything's finally falling back together. I had just finished watching the last season of Good Luck Charlie. God I loved the series. Charlie's so cute! I gotta say, their show's been a great support through the survival of my finals. A great mental support and my recreation. Not only this show, I had also finished watching Masterchef Us season 6 on youtube during Accounting exam; now on which I've got a clear cut D. Actually, I am happy with my grades as long as I don't fail. Oh by the way, have I told you about my hidden talent? I am a doodler.Yep.I'd upload some of my doodling but I don't have the pics w...

Confession#78 I am sick and tired of exams. It's almost been a month. And there's still three exams left.At this point I just wanna run away, get lost in some place, enjoy the cool weather or you know, I could jump off a cliff. Both would be delightful. I mean seriously, I could do far better than studying for this stupid exams. My sister's wedding plannings have stolen my sleep. Sleepless nights. Can it get any more depressing? I am utterly distracted by the after exam plans and wedding and what not.Tell you what,this weather is not applicable for studying.It is for taking naps and watching late night movies,wrapping in warm blankets while sipping hot tea.I blame the education system,they are driving us nuts. It's December already. My most-awaited-favorite month of the year. I don't want it to be spent like this. If I get any F mark on any subjects there are gonna be retests and If that literally happens, I am gonna bury myself to death. This is no way ho...

I don't have any idea how I'd manage without seeing him once in a while. fuck. he is perfect! Eventually soul mates meet for they have the same hiding place. Call me crazy. But I feel a connection with him. There is definitely something. Though it's something that only concerns me.We never really had a decent talk. It's on me. Whenever he speaks to me I get awkwardly shy. He's like gravity. The essence of him being anywhere near me feels like having a gravitational pull. Not quite sure if it makes any sense tho, I only meant to make it sound vivid. .Science is not my thing ya know.

I screwed up. I don't know what's waiting for me out there but I surely did screw up my future.Today's Accounting exam was crap and I have ICT and Management to worry about too. So that makes it what, three? F marks on three tests? How are they gonna let me register for HSC? I have made such a mess.And I have almost given up. All I want is another chance. But I think I am out of second chances too.There is no way I could pass through this. The thing is, I go completely insane when I'm on pressure. Syllabus,. tests, admissions these go completely out of my favor. I screw up  when I am pressurized. And I am not a hard-worker. Even when I have hard plans, I fail to accomplish them through my work. That's how I am.I always struggle in the last minute. And this is Bangladesh. If I fail, my whole life would sink into a never-ending despair.I can't drop college just like that.And here,I can't do justice to any kind of  passions I have it in  me.I can't just d...

I am quite over the thing now. Although it lingered on my head the whole day. The more I think of it the more it pains me, so I decided not to go there. I am gonna pretend nothing really happened like everybody else in the family.I don't have to make a fuss out of it. Right now I am gonna focus on my studies. I have to pass every subject.I am okay now. Maybe it was the exam pressure that got me more depressed yesterday. I just had to sleep on it. So.Today at college, they served us the wrong question paper. They mistakenly gave us the first paper question which we were about to be giving exam on December. How awesome is that?! The teachers told us to give the papers back but we were reading the shit out of it. At that time I wished I had a photographic memory. Then I could take a snap and store it for the coming exam and score! The girl behind me was like - "Put it on your pocket!I won't tell anyone!" Ah well we didn't have to. Mcdreamy got furious. He sent us ...

Nanu isn't home and I've pretty much got the room to myself. Bliss. Ann emailed me last night. Seemed like she'd been through hell and back. She has a therapist in school now. I like how they've got all the counseling arrangements in schools. I have an exam tomorrow. I had two day's study gap which I mostly wasted on sleeping, eating and watching Good Luck Charlie episodes online.I ended up watching a whole season yesterday. So I pretty much have just 18 hours to prep for the exam now which is cool. I never happen to finish the whole syllabus anyway.Figures. This is bad. This is really bad. I should be studying. I should be panicking I don't know for-, I have barely touched the book I am giving exam on tomorrow.Why am I always indifferent to these things? This exam is really important. OKay, I am gonna go. Right after I finish this post. Yeah. You have my word. You know what they say- Don't read beauty magazines, it will make you feel ugly.So true! L...

So it was the after-exam, stress relieving talk with friends. I was looking forward to see that one particular face, which I haven't seen in weeks. And like a blessing he came down the hallway as I was wearing a face-splitting grin while listening to the chit-chats of those girls beside me. I pretended not to look at him until he passed by my side and said-"Why does everyone look so happy today?! Did the exam turn out well?" I flushed. He was heading out; in the meantime a bunch of stupid attention-seekers circled around and asked him to open their packet of chips.Ugh.I mean seriously? Aren't they a bit old to ask someone to open their food beverages? Can't they just do it by themselves? I couldn't settle my eyes on him anymore,there he was...cracking jokes with his fellow students. And before I know it,he was gone off the gate. Then I realized how much I missed him the whole week.:( P.S: The reason behind this dramatic lines and listening to crummy music...

There's nothing more painful than giving exams. And obviously, the last-moment preparations for it. When you can't help but study because you had learned nothing but sleeping with eyes wide open through the whole semester.I am no mood for studying, but doing it anyway. Ugh. My life right now,is a complete mess. And I don't know why I am being such an ass. I have so much to take care of. The dream to get into a public university won't just come true on its own you know.Honestly, I am not even that much sure of the board exam that's coming up. I could screw it, big time! My preparation ain't gonna get me an A+. So. Admission into some good university isn't something I should emphasize on right now. Because the big scary thing is already on my way to make it or break it for me. I slept the whole morning.Woke up at 12 pm and had lunch. Then slept again for couple of hours. Woke up, bathed, had tea and freaked out at the huge syllabus for exam tomorrow. I to...

Today, when I woke up my mom greeted me with an awkward hug. And by that I knew something was up.So she gave me this beautiful piece of advice. She said, "Don't you do any love affairs. We're gonna find you a very good husband who'd take you to America, where you so wanted to be." I was like "Oh really?" I mean look at me. Am I that much qualified to get someone who's happened to be an immigrant of damn freaking America?. I barely stay awake, I don't do any kind of chores because I am super lazy. I am also a  suckish student. oh most importantly I am not so attractive.I don't talk to boys unless I am spoken to. So. Love affairs and Me? Doesn't make any sense. And about getting a Bengali-American husband? Yeah like they're so easy to get! Then nanu said, my aunties (khalamoni) already started the Man-hunt. They even thought of one but the man is 10 years older than me. So it got denied. My jaw dropped. I was like are they gonna mar...

Tomorrow is the last day of my college life. The last time I would actually be sitting in that classroom. I am definitely going to miss that coziness, that long-boring class hours, off-hours, gossiping about almost anything and everything during lectures and tiff-in breaks. We've become so close now. Everybody is everybody's friends. There's no jealousy, no fights. We have bonded so well this last year. I am gonna miss those familiar faces. Most importantly, I am gonna miss my gang. Ankan & Ann. Ann's now in the USA. I am already missing her. And Ankan I don't even know what I'd do without her. She missed the private yesterday so I had to go there all by myself. And it sucked. I had no one to talk to and Sir was already so late. Actually, I managed to talk with my classmates there, they didn't bore me much. But it wasn't the same without Ankan. I just passed one day without her and my day turned into some shit. I was so depressed when I got home. ...

I wanna confess something I have been hiding all along. I once wrote you about one of my childhood stories, probably a blast from the past involving my grand-mother on the dad's side.It was when she scolded me real bad for dressing up like a boy, wearing shabby half-pants with a tank. Point to be noted, I was only seven years old then. So wearing a half-pant shouldn't have been a problem in my concern. Okay I wouldn't repeat the story. But let me give you a brief how I felt and be feeling about this now. When she scolded me for dressing up like this and told me I was looking like one of the girls from the street I was barely holding my tears back. Right beside me was Anika, one of my prettiest cousin and Dadu(that's what I call my grandma) told me to look at her. Look at her beauty and the lovely frock she was wearing. At that moment I cried. I cried because I was scold. I dived into the pillow after that scene and cried my heart out because I was just a child...

They didn't go to the private today. And I preferred not going too, because I didn't wanna show up alone without Ankan. Then I would have to go through a whole bunch of theories and lectures and maths without having someone to talk to by my side. Ankan didn't agree to go anyway. In fact, she was utterly surprised at me for; why I am always eager to go stat coaching. I told her that it's getting close to the finals; I am just keeping those maths in practice and so I need coaching but she didn't seem to care. She even, doubted on me that I am crushed on Stat sir. Oh tell about it! I didn't let her doubting any further. Because I don't want anyone knowing that I have a crush on someone inappropriate to my age and mind. That he's no one but our subject-teacher.And if my friends knew about it, they'd make fun of it, whereas it's nothing to be made fun of. I am not just crushed on him. The feelings I have for him is beyond that term. I am fond of hi...

Today when I woke up, my intuitions were telling me something's good gonna happen my way. I went to private wearing my favorite dress and for some reason my curls seem all happy and bouncy. Sunsilk suits me. When I got to the private I was already late for 10 mins. I had two options. Get late for Accounting or get late for Stat.Because I had two coaching today. I went for Accounting because I don't wanna miss those 10 mins for my stat class; you know why. But doing accounting class was a torture. I was craving to see McDreamy's face but sir seemed to delay teaching us maths. So I waited impatiently, hoping that boring class to end.Then after an hour it was done and I was determined today to sit in the front row, near McDreamy  in stat class.  So I did! I got to sit in the front row and could see his face from up close.He was sitting right in front of me, face to face and aww he patted on my hair twice or maybe thrice I kind of forgot. At first when I entered the room,...

Yesterday the whole Bangladesh was in black-out. Electricity was gone for like 14-15 hours. Wifi went off. It was a torture. I spent the whole evening in our terrace watching stars.

Ankan gave me her diary to write her something, only 15 or 16 days are left for our college years to over. And I don't have a freaking idea what to write her. She's been my friend since school and a very good friend. She's a geek and a bitch in combine. Should I write her that? No? I don't know whenever she gives her diary to write her something, I screw it up. The last day of school I wrote her a bunch of bad compliments because I wasn't in a great mood. I don't want to mess up her college memories now. I should write something special, sweet and worthy of remembering. So. Let me clear my head and remember all the good moments I spent with her these 5 years.

Ann & I, we started exchanging emails. Because chatting's too mainstream.:) Here's the one that put a smile on my face last night. Oct 30 (1 day ago) Dear Ramisa, Your emails are so entertaining. I love your emails. I miss you guys a lot. My worst fear is actually coming true. I'm gonna be the lonely girl who has no friends very soon. I have 2 friends who are actually kind of like me but I have only 2 classes with them. Malia is kind of moving away from me which is kind of hurtful. I'm guessing you don't get the type of my relationship with Michael and that you are very interested. He is a very unattached, wild boy. He is not into relationships. And we are just friends. The things between us are ok now. Thank you for your advice though. He doesn't do the crazy things he used to anymore. So we are ok. I think I'm gonna meet 2 Bangali boys  this Friday . Always happy to meet my own kind. And I'm sure it was embarrassing for you in the class a...

I was focused, okay focused would be a strong word. A little concentrated on my study prep for finals. Maybe because I had a little concentration, it broke down in the midway. My study routine that I prepared for like a month got messed up. I don't know, maybe studying is not my thing. Getting bad grades is my thing, and I should hold on to that. But no, I can't hold on to that I have dreams going on, I have my dad hoping on me to get into some renowned Uni, and I better get refocused. Three days hortal. Nothing I needed more right now. :) Plenty time to clear the mess.  

We had a little talk today, in whispers. I was in private and he was telling us theories to write. I didn't get to sit on the desk because there weren't enough sits. So at first i sat on one of the chairs at the very corner. And he shifted me to the stools in the middle row. I wasn't willing to because then I'd be separated from Ankan who was sitting next to me. Because she's the only person I mostly talk with. But he said, the fans wouldn't reach the corners(Aww I like how he cared) and so I was shifted to the airy area, on a stool in the middle row. Then it started, the writing theories. Ugh, Boring. But I would stop writing as when he'd pause and exchange a glare. And the most interesting part was when I glanced outside, he looked at the outside too, like he was following me or something. Like he wanted to know what I was staring at. So it didn't turn out that much boring. It was like half an hour later, I kind of got sleepy and he called me up. ...

nanu is feeling really sick tonight. I left her in the room and moved to the living room couch.My sister is staying with her.As always I turned out to be a selfish granddaughter.Just a minute ago I was crying for not having feelings for her.Why am I always like that? Why can't I spend a single night beside her and listen to bed night stories like all other grand kids?  I suck at pretending I love her.I suck at being a granddaughter. After all those years of holding me on her lap, sometimes feeding me,sometimes giving me a bath when I was little,she's still a stranger to me. I try but I get nothing.I am numb.

Shopping after ages! Bought a beautiful gown for Api's reception. It'd probably be the best dress I own up till now. The color is sea-green, full length gown, It looks so pretty on me! My api says I look like a Cinderella, just like the fairy-tales. When I trialed it, I was like, Where's my Prince Charming, I wanna dance till midnight....I can't wait to wear it again! Have you seen F.R.I.E.N.D.S, where Monica, Phoebie and Rachael they wore bridal gowns just because they wanted to get happy? Wedding gowns are bliss! Mine is a party gown but still a bliss! Money can buy happiness, those 8500 Tk for that dress was well spent. I am so much happy now :D :D :D Just need someone to dance with on that dress! 

Confession#63 Nanu isn’t home. She’s gonna stay at her sister’s place for few days now. So yeah, finally got my room back. Freedom tastes good indeed! I’m depressed! Don’t know why. No I don’t miss Nanu. It’s a different issue. My day wasn’t bad or anything, It was fine. Even better than fine. But ugh I don’t know…I just feel like crying it out. Something’s bothering me and I am ignoring it like it doesn’t have to do anything with myself. I have so much ahead of me, If I lose it, I’d lose everything of it. I can bet none of my friends know how deeply depressed I’ve been. They don’t know because they see me always laughing at the stupidest and dumbest things on earth. They see me smiling splitting my mouth almost every day. I don’t blame them because any normal person would if they see me, probably think I am happy. In fact, they would think I am very much happy. My friends should know when I am laughing too much at everything, I am actually trying to hide my pain, to drive ...