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Confession# 71

There's nothing more painful than giving exams. And obviously, the last-moment preparations for it. When you can't help but study because you had learned nothing but sleeping with eyes wide open through the whole semester.I am no mood for studying, but doing it anyway. Ugh. My life right now,is a complete mess.

And I don't know why I am being such an ass. I have so much to take care of. The dream to get into a public university won't just come true on its own you know.Honestly, I am not even that much sure of the board exam that's coming up. I could screw it, big time! My preparation ain't gonna get me an A+. So. Admission into some good university isn't something I should emphasize on right now. Because the big scary thing is already on my way to make it or break it for me.

I slept the whole morning.Woke up at 12 pm and had lunch. Then slept again for couple of hours. Woke up, bathed, had tea and freaked out at the huge syllabus for exam tomorrow. I totally hate it. This pressure to study all of the things in one night that I never even attempted to study the whole year...Life is so unfair!

And I've been thinking about the future lately.What would happen if I don't get what I've planned for? What if all of my friends get into DU and I don't? What if I screw up the HSC? What if I get an F on tomorrow's exam? What if nanu stays at our house for forever and I don't ever get a room of my own? I really don't want that. I need a place where I can be alone, some privacy. Apparently, nanu is planning to settle here which is completely freaking me out. I can't live any further with her being on that room because you know how dominating she can be.One thing to clarify-Doing the things that make you happy doesn't make you a selfish person.A room is what I crave for. And how could I blame nanu when nobody in the house seem to understand it? They don't care about anything I say of giving me some space. If only nanu weren't here, I'd be a happy little child, going back to the regular self and then the room would be very much of my own because staying with Api in one room is never a pain. I love her no matter what. And I miss those late night gossip and laughs with her. With nanu being in the room there's no chance I could have a talk with her while going back to bed. My sister is gonna leave me this December. I wanted this last month to be special.To always stick around her like a super glue. But now there's nothing I can do.

The person I want to live my entire life with is gonna leave me.And the person I would so much like to live apart gonna stay in. Life is so unfair!  



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