Confession#63
Nanu isn’t home. She’s gonna stay at her sister’s place for
few days now. So yeah, finally got my room back. Freedom tastes good indeed!
I’m depressed! Don’t know why. No I don’t miss Nanu. It’s a
different issue. My day wasn’t bad or anything, It was fine. Even better than
fine. But ugh I don’t know…I just feel like crying it out. Something’s
bothering me and I am ignoring it like it doesn’t have to do anything with
myself. I have so much ahead of me, If I lose it, I’d lose everything of
it.
I can bet none of my friends know how deeply depressed I’ve
been. They don’t know because they see me always laughing at the stupidest and
dumbest things on earth. They see me smiling splitting my mouth almost every
day. I don’t blame them because any normal person would if they see me, probably think I
am happy. In fact, they would think I am very much happy.
My friends should know when I am laughing too much at everything,
I am actually trying to hide my pain, to drive my mind over something for a
while, to avoid the frustration that crawls into me, and to shut the voices in
my head.
But I can’t hide or avoid my feelings when I am alone. Like
in the rickshaw on my way home. That moment gives me a hard time. I'd then start to think about how things are going with my life. And often it would depress me
because things aren’t going that easy. I am at this stage of Make it or Break
it. And time’s running out. I have everything, every freaking thing I need. I
just have to work it out, do what I gotta do, but look at me. I am wasting it
away. I am surrendering, which is scary at this point.
I cannot quit. I got to be strong.
I am an insecure mess.
Confession#64
I guess McDreamy is not particularly but parallel to the
reasons behind my depression. He’s being completely indifferent to me these
days. Like I don’t exist to him anymore. It’s not like I want him to notice me
every time I cross his path, just a simple glance would do. I want him to treat
me like his all other students, scold me when I am too much talking. Last week,
he spoke out my name when I was talking with the girl beside me during his roll
call. But that was it. Just a warning. Just my name and “What’s the problem?” That’s
all he said. It made me hopeless. I wanted to be scold, insulted and be sent
out of the class.
And today when I made a huge sound pulling Ankan’s chair backward
during his class he didn’t say anything to me. The whole class was startled hearing
it and Ankan stumbled on her sit. He should’ve said, “That's not how you should behave in the class, Ra-mi-sa.” (He calls me like that, taking time at each syllable.)
Instead he looked at me and asked who made that noise(he actually said-“Eta kon
birale korlo?”). He saw me pulling Ankan’s chair out, he knew it was me. But
didn’t say a word after that. That was painful. Seeing his indifference,
blindness to my existence. Because whereas to me, in my mind, he exists everywhere.
He was in a very good mood today. He’s got his smile back
which relieved me because I can’t really stand him all rough and tough. His talking
off-topic, showing strictness, simplicity, his mimicking of a petni from Thakur
mar jhuli, laughing at his own joke, advising like a pro, telling cute things
about his son…is the time you’d know his old self is back.
And I’m happy for him. I am happy that he’s smiling again.
Doing things that make him look stupid but only lovable. He’s 36, who could
say? Sometimes he would talk like a 7 year old boy. And I don’t blame him for
the feelings that I endure having for him, I don’t blame him for not loving me back,
because I see him as a free spirit. There’s no owning or possessing in love.
That’s what I learned from “Eleven Minutes” by Paulo Coelho. That no one loses
anyone for no one owns anyone. That we are each
responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.
He was never mine. He’s just a
person I long to be with. He doesn’t know any of this. And he doesn’t have to
know about these thousand feelings that he-himself has
caused me. He doesn't have to know.
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