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That's what I am afraid of. That is the only thing that scares me to death. Not being able to make you happy. Make you proud. Make you see, what I've been trying to do my whole life. Just for you two. You don't see it. You don't have faith in me. When I need it the most, the faith of yours because I trust myself very little. And I want you to see, that I've been trying not to fail you. Your expectations mostly.They never die. Sometimes you have too much of it, sometimes too low. But they never die.You overstate me or you just understate me. Oh it's so very-painful.
And it scares the hell outta me. It gives me shivers. It makes me crave for sobs middle of the night. To think that my life's a waste if you two don't understand me. I'm here now, I am right here and you still haven't understood me yet.It's tiring, sad and terrifying. Because I'd be gone someday, and when the time comes, you still wouldn't. I'd not exist and you still wouldn't...know me. That's one scary thing.
And I believe, I know, I know pretty damn well what you attempt to do. You want me to have the best life. The life that you couldn't make happen. The life that you always cherished and wanted. I get that. But it's not what I want. It's not how I want it. I don't want it to be best to be wonderful. I just want it to be spendable. I just want some moments from life that I would happily remember for a lifetime. Clearly, mine doesn't go with your definition. And it's okay because you weren't supposed to defy my life, or how I want to lead it. You were just supposed be with me, through this. Through the journeys I take. Or just not. It's up to you. All I want to say is that, as soon as you understand, as soon as you leave me as humble as I am, it would start working out. It would start working out for me and you. And I wouldn't be scared at all. Knowing that I am not owned to anyone, I can do whatever, I can hurt myself, I can break myself, I can build myself.
I didn't want to be assisted, but you claimed it anyway. You again, set up an expectation, set up a goal for me to reach which I don't even know if I want to. It's like give and take and the guiltiness after that I might have nothing to give back in return. Surprisingly all this, is for me, for my life and all I could think about is that how to make you proud, how to make you happy. Because you made it all seem like so different from what I would actually predict for myself. You made it seem like it only serves me a purpose when it does you. You made it seem like something everybody hankers after to, something not unique at all but popular. And you made it seem like it's life's achievement, an opportunity not to miss. You made it seem like so important rather than of me, of who I am and what I want.
  
You can't make everybody happy. You can save off some miseries tho. And that's what I am gonna try to do. Save you off some miseries. 









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