Everly

 Dear B,  What I learned from the past week is that I tend to take on grief from others in my family like my own. Even though there is nothing I can do about it to ease other's pain. Hence, I suffer internally.  There is a song that I deeply connect with:  Tu Jhoom | Naseebo Lal x Abida Parveen. It kind of goes like this: “What is meant to be yours will find you through any excuse. My heart, understand that there is nothing in your control. You just swirl (let it go)” My brother recently got rejected from a marriage proposal from a girl he really liked. It was arranged but this was his first experience talking with a girl. Seeing him being torn left me in tears as I know how much he was hurting. He is such a gentle soul. I took his pain as if my own and could not sleep at night. Nothing I say could ease his suffering but I still tried to cheer him up. I prayed genuinely for him to be showered with blessings. I want him to experience life, be with someone who would ca...

 Dear B,  I don't watch the news but there has been a lot of speculations on social media of a possible world war III. My sister just texted me that I should save up money as we don't know what that might do to the economy. It is ironic because I just ordered something online last night. Every time I go out, I spend. I don't even have a good paying job and I spend like I have full time. However, one thing I learned from my past is that there is no point in stressing about the future. What I have control over is now. I can either live in the moment or ruin it by ruminating and what good will it bring to my life? Living alone can get boring. However, I am trying to find things to do. Maybe I will visit a bookstore today. Lets see.  I have rearranged the furnitures yesterday. Cleaned as well. The place looks good.  Maybe I will go IKEA. I love it there. Even though I can't afford furnitures, I just enjoy looking at them. Oh what to tell you B. My in-laws are coming this...

 Dear B, I realized when I have nothing much to do that is when I miss my husband the most. That is when loneliness creeps in.  Today was one of those days. I tried doing yoga, watching shows, and cooking dinner. However, my mind keeps racing and I lose focus. The show keeps playing on the background and I do other things.  I did clean the refrigerator for the first time. Felt good after seeing a clean fridge.  I have work the next two days so at least I will keep busy those days.  I did meet few new people last week. It was nice actually meeting people my own age for a change.  Yeah, today, I honestly feel kinda meh.  Hope this time flies fast, I am counting down the days to reunite with my husband.   UGH

 Hi B,  I have been going through a lot of phases.  Living alone is certainly a challenge. I am discovering parts of me that I did not imagine has existed to me before. I found myself choosing new outfits and new colours. I am going to donate a bunch of my old clothes that I held into for a long time without reason. I feel really disgusted by the old self. It is like, I am shedding my skin and embracing the self that was hiding under it.  I gave the new friendship another chance and I feel better. We hung out last night and had good conversations. I am grateful that I found someone in this lonely city to talk about life with. Still it is very new so I don't want to put too much expectations. Adulting is hard itself and it won't be always possible to make time and effort for each other. I have accepted that and trying to be more understanding through the process.  My husband and I don't get to talk much as he is working really hard and busy with the new work situ...

 Dear B,  Who knew adult friendships could be this hard to maintain? I have been trying more than ever to make new friends or revive my old connections and I realized it takes two to build it. From my part, I have been so open and welcoming but felt sort of rigidity from the other side. It is so hard being alone in this city, B. I did not know it would be this hard honestly. It reminds me of my primary school days where I had a hard time making friends and being social. It is like, every fibre of my being wants to be accepted and belong but there is somehow a block. I know it is nothing personal. Everyone is busy but it just hurts that I put on the effort and get blank responses.  I did talk with one of my old connections after years. He lives in Australia. We became friends from Tinder but we never met in person. We have had conversations in the past where we both were very vulnerable with each other. Honestly, in this whole lonely city, being thousands miles away, surpr...

 Hi B,  There has been so many changes for me recently.  I have been working part-time.  My husband went offshore for work. We are going to do long distance for 6 months.  I made a new friend. We went to same university back in BD. It was really nice catching up with her. We never actually talked back in the day. Practically strangers but it felt really good to finally talk to people my age.  I am living alone! This is the 2nd day and I already miss him so much.  Since when did he become such an integral part of my life? Our apartment feels so empty and lifeless.  It is okay, I have to hang on for this 6 months. I have to endure the change of seasons. I have to make sure I get home safely everyday. I have to explore the city, potentially make more friends.  So this is how it is for now.  I feel like these changes would be good for making me strong and brave.  So I am open to it.  I will update you more as the day goes by. For n...

Hi B,  I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well. I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelm...