Everly

 Dear B,  Who knew adult friendships could be this hard to maintain? I have been trying more than ever to make new friends or revive my old connections and I realized it takes two to build it. From my part, I have been so open and welcoming but felt sort of rigidity from the other side. It is so hard being alone in this city, B. I did not know it would be this hard honestly. It reminds me of my primary school days where I had a hard time making friends and being social. It is like, every fibre of my being wants to be accepted and belong but there is somehow a block. I know it is nothing personal. Everyone is busy but it just hurts that I put on the effort and get blank responses.  I did talk with one of my old connections after years. He lives in Australia. We became friends from Tinder but we never met in person. We have had conversations in the past where we both were very vulnerable with each other. Honestly, in this whole lonely city, being thousands miles away, surpr...

 Hi B,  There has been so many changes for me recently.  I have been working part-time.  My husband went offshore for work. We are going to do long distance for 6 months.  I made a new friend. We went to same university back in BD. It was really nice catching up with her. We never actually talked back in the day. Practically strangers but it felt really good to finally talk to people my age.  I am living alone! This is the 2nd day and I already miss him so much.  Since when did he become such an integral part of my life? Our apartment feels so empty and lifeless.  It is okay, I have to hang on for this 6 months. I have to endure the change of seasons. I have to make sure I get home safely everyday. I have to explore the city, potentially make more friends.  So this is how it is for now.  I feel like these changes would be good for making me strong and brave.  So I am open to it.  I will update you more as the day goes by. For n...

Hi B,  I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well. I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelm...

 Dear B.  Past few days have been really tough on me given that I started a new job and I was feeling really shaky and anxious about everything in my life. It messed with my sleep, my mood, my appetite, relationship with my husband, and overall made me lose connection to myself. I felt so down and something just didn't feel right.  Today, I feel really calm and collected. I realized when hard times come, it is really important not to lose hope. It is so easy to give in to it and let the mind narrate a story that is far from reality just to put ourselves at unease. However, we have to remind ourselves as many times as we can that it is a temporary feeling and let it pass without putting more thoughts into it.  On the bus rides, countless times I have victimized myself thinking "I am not worth it" or "I am so poor", "Maybe I'll lose this job", "Maybe my husband will stop loving me", "He doesn't make any efforts" and it only pu...

 Hello B, I had a crazy night and an anxiety episode few days back. I was drunk and for some reason, I channeled a very sad energy and started sobbing in public. It was the first day of my work too and I guess I was too overwhelmed.  I just remember in the girl's washroom at the club, I was crying to some stranger and she was so nice and kind and told me it is completely normal to feel this way.  I guess I surpassed a lot of feelings inside and it all came out and I just couldn't handle it.  I remember crying so hard.  I also opened up to my husband how unhappy I had been lately and that we don't go out and spend couple time anymore. He listened and said he is now going to make efforts.  I was thinking very negatively about everything and it didn't do me well. I felt like I was in such a bad place oh god.  I have to take care of myself well. I have to make time to process feelings and also try not to be so insecure.  My insecurity stems from me fe...

 Hey B,  I got a job offer. It is part-time and long distance from my area but it is a start.  I had gone through a lot emotionally and psychologically that at this point, I will take whatever comes my way. It is not that much of money but it is still something to get my dignity back.  I am still awaiting responses from other interviews but I said yes to this one for now. My heart said, you should not let go of it. So I listened to my gut and took it.  I know I can work hard and do better. I know this will help me to reconcile myself and get myself on a track. At least, now I see a path ahead of me. I am not so scared anymore. I know everything will work out at the end.  There is no gain without pain. I know this long hour bus rides will be tough but I also do know it will give me a purpose to wake up and hustle. I know I will meet new people. I know I will learn something. I am excited for that.  I am proud of myself that I took charge and showed up f...

 I am in luteal phase and everything my husband doing is irritating me.  It is all scientific I know but still everything is so annoying and I just wanted pizza. He ordered biryani.  I wanted to go on a date on valentines day. He brought me flowers, which was sweet but he forgot to book the restaurant and we ended up going costco instead. I just feel like I am wasting my best years on him. Is it normal to feel like that. We are almost 2 years into our married life and I already miss our initial chemistry. I feel like we are being like an old married couple. It shouldn't feel like that, right? I mean, it is still new; we aren't that old yet.  I feel so bored honestly, and disappointed.  Again, this could be because of my luteal phase.  I am sad too.  I wish, he made a little more effort to make me feel special. Make me feel deserving. I wish I didn't dress up to do our groceries on Valentines day.