Everly

 Dear B,  I have been doing okay. However, I do find myself sleeping a lot.  I realized that everyone's life is a little fucked up. So I actually feel grateful for whatever I have. I am very blessed for the love and care I get every single day and honestly some days I wonder what I did to deserve it.  I grew up in a family where love wasn't recognized directly. It was maybe expressed in indirect actions,  such as cut out fruits on the table or simply just living every day life together as a family.  Now, I hear I love yous everyday, I get hugs on demand, cuddles, share my frustrations. It is different and feels very nice.  I am not saying the love I received from my family is any less but it got polluted with lack of boundaries, screaming and shouting at each other, and indirectness. My parents did what they could and I don't have any grudge against them. I have all the resources to me now to heal and improve on the person I am today.  My life is ...

 Dear B, I feel so deeply lost, anxious, sad, and scared. Most of my problems stem from financial issues. I wish I could be calm and collected in front of my husband who is trying his best to afford us together. However, there are times, I just let out my frustrations. I am human and super emotional one at that. I grew up seeing financial hurdles my parents faced and I have seen my mom always being a bitch to him. I never in my whole life wanted to be like my mom. How she caused so much stress in the family and always shouting at us or my dad for not having enough to sustain us. I have seen my dad work so hard for us. I have seen his struggles. I never wanted to be this ungrateful person but this is so hard! It is like my childhood trauma baggage is unfolding again.  The most stable stage in my life was back home, when I had a job. The feeling of independence was something else. Now, I miss it to the core. I am a 28 year old woman, basically a house-wife now and it kills me in...

Dear B,  2024 is almost to an end and I can't believe how much shit I have endured this year. From quitting a job to moving to a new country, leaving loved ones back home, living with husband, starting a life together to the hardcore reality of unemployment, unplanned pregnancy, the excruciating pain of abortion, feeling the loneliest girl on earth, I endured it all. There is no pain without gain and I believe there will be a day I will look back and be grateful for all the sufferings. For now, I am still questioning, why do I have to go through this.  I guess I had underestimated how hard it is it start over in a different country. The cultural gap, the communication, and even seeking for relevancy in day to day conversations with people; everything is different. Being a shy girl also doesn't help to mingle with people. Honestly, that has been the biggest obstacle in getting a job here. In Bangladesh, I used to just submit my resume and hope for an interview call. Here, your ...

I have been doing quite well. Both mentally and physically. I feel like myself again. Last night, I put on some great music and danced in my room. Of course, my husband was at work and he wasn't here to see me stupidly dancing.  I used to do that before as a child/teenager. I remember, everyday when I felt gloomy, I would put my favourite music on my ipod and dance like nobody watching. I am glad, I feel like that child again. I am glad I have got through a very lonely and dark time and am present with myself again.  My relationship with my husband has also significantly improved. I feel closer with him than ever. He has also shown some acts of service and taking care of me. The emotional disconnection I felt before has faded away. I feel like the luckiest woman alive when I am with him.  I still don't have a job though. However, I am trying. A little bit everyday to improve myself. I guess I will find a job once I figure out what I want and where my passion lies. Seeking...

 Dear B,  This past month has been the heaviest. I went through a lot by myself. I still am recovering from the pain and trauma.  I got to know I was pregnant. This was completely unplanned. We talked and decided not to keep it. However, I couldn't have the heart to abort it by myself. As mentioned before, my husband was away for training. I was completely alone and was miserable as hell. Everyday I would feel sick. I would cry to the point where I couldn't see any light outside of the tunnel. I was at the lowest point of my life. The saddest part was, he was in such extensive training, we couldn't even talk or text as much. I felt like he was emotionally disconnected from me. I could feel he wanted to help but because of the job he has and the demands, he could not do as much. I knew eventually I had to do it alone.  I was almost 8 weeks when I decided to proceed with abortion. Honestly, I knew that something was not right and I don't have the courage at the time. I...

Dear B, I haven't written to you a long time. My husband went for training to a different city for a month. Never have I ever felt so alone in my life. I have been all by myself this past week and honestly this has been an experience. Especially the nights are tough as I don't like sleeping alone. Good thing is, my sister is going to visit here and stay for a bit. I realized that I haven't processed my feelings all this time when I moved to this country. Being alone has left me with all my feelings and it has been one hell of a week. I am tearing up often thinking about my family back home and having no friends here. Every morning I find it hard to just get up from bed and go about my day. I guess I am depressed. Time is moving slow. The weather is getting cold and gloomy. Everything in a nutshell is terrorizing me. I miss my husband a lot but I understand that this is part of life. We have done long distance before so this should not be that hard. I guess the difference is...

Instead of saying tasks cause that makes me don't wanna do them; I'll say Try me everyday- Effective from tomorrow  - Drink some lemon water with honey first thing in the morning - Stretch for 5 min   - Study. Daily finish a lesson of an online course  - Learn something about Canada. Every day and document what you learned  - Workout/take a walk or run/ or just do plain yoga even if it is for 10 minutes  - Get some sunlight - Read a chapter of a book - Do a form of self care. Like saying positive affirmations  - Watch the news, get some idea on current affairs  - Take a break from your phone, keep it somewhere for an hour at least and don't look at it - Dance for 5 min to a song (optional)  - Watch a movie of your choice  - Document your progress  Let's try.