spring is almost here

 Dear B, 

This past month has been the heaviest. I went through a lot by myself. I still am recovering from the pain and trauma. 

I got to know I was pregnant. This was completely unplanned. We talked and decided not to keep it. However, I couldn't have the heart to abort it by myself. As mentioned before, my husband was away for training. I was completely alone and was miserable as hell. Everyday I would feel sick. I would cry to the point where I couldn't see any light outside of the tunnel. I was at the lowest point of my life. The saddest part was, he was in such extensive training, we couldn't even talk or text as much. I felt like he was emotionally disconnected from me. I could feel he wanted to help but because of the job he has and the demands, he could not do as much. I knew eventually I had to do it alone. 

I was almost 8 weeks when I decided to proceed with abortion. Honestly, I knew that something was not right and I don't have the courage at the time. I didn't tell my parents or my brother back home. I know they would worry and I just simply didn't have the heart to tell them. I told my sister who is here. She lives far away from me but she did come and visit me for few days. That's when we called the clinic and asked about the procedure. It was simple. You just have to pop up 1 pill first day at the clinic. The next day, you will take 4 pills, keep it 30 minutes inside your cheeks and then flush it down, which will start the process. I called one of his friends who lived in Toronto and just asked for advise and she actually gave me the emotional support that I needed. I went to their home and saw the clinic there. She stood by my side the whole process. 

It hurt so much. Everything seemed to just like crumble. I can't describe it. Thank God, I didn't do it alone. I wouldn't be able to take it alone. That 24 hours was a blur. I just remember feeling so much pain and my spine was feeling like it would burst in liquid. Few hours later, I felt some tissues coming out of me. 

I know it is the right decision because we are not ready to have kids. I don't want to bring a child in the world where I would not be able to provide him/her a good life. It would be unfair to them. 

My husband is back. It is just, there's some space because of what happened in the span of 1.5 months. I just feel he is not emotionally there for me. He is a good husband but I don't think he thinks like the way I think or feel. It is okay. I have love myself. I have to understand my needs and be there for myself. If this process has taught me  anything, it is that there would be no one to pick you up unless you pick yourself up. You have to ask for help. You have to know the certain ways you want to be loved and be there for yourself. I know he wasn't there for me when I had the hardest time of my life. I let it go because he has been there for me other times and he is here for me now. For now, I just have to focus on healing.