Everly

I find myself being scared when good times come. The fear is something bad is going to happen when I am happy. It is a trauma response as I have spent too much time thinking I am undeserving of all the finest things life has to offer. Instead of being truly happy and excited when good things are coming my way, I start to mute it down with the fear of jinxing it. What I have to make myself believe is that; what yours will find its way to you by hook or by crook. It’s your choice to either welcome it with an open heart or be in constant vigilance.

I’m at work right now. Don’t have any tasks at hand. My mind has been wondering elsewhere for that very reason. Laziness is not my friend as I am an over thinker.  Yesterday saw a reel on instagram where this famous philosopher said, we often times find ourself feeling negative emotions due to self centered attitude and also we take situations as it appear to us. Nothing is as it appears. It made sense to me as I seem to have this tendency to take things negatively at first. Nothing comes to me in simple manner.  I am getting married in almost 2 months and not a day goes by without me hyperventilating. I understand that love is something we have to work for; it is not always going to free flow. Happy ending is not marriage. Infact, actual hardship comes after marriage. I believe in us, I truly do. However, somedays I find myself wondering if love is enough. I get critical on days he doesn’t text much or call. Our long distance actually survives on these texts/calls so it bothe...

I am kind of having a hard time to collect my thoughts. I feel like I am in midst of a chaotic life situation. I think I get easily influenced by people and it is not a good trait. It especially does not help when you are taking an important life decision. The horror of making a mistake stops me from having experiences; having fun. You know what scares me the most? My family saying 'I told you so.' I simply don't want them to be right. Na-uh. Can't let that happen.  I want to be the architect of my future. Here comes all these judgments and advises from family, which I highly don't appreciate. I wish they knew the context of my life. They barely know what is going on. What I like and what I don't. The fact that they still feel entitled to choose what's best for me is hysterical.  In this world, the people I now hold close to me are people who are going through similar phase in life. I have infact turned deaf to people I don't show my true self to. There ...

 Dear B, I am giving love a second chance and this time we are planning a future together.  I know I was adamant about not getting back together but something in my heart said, we are not finished  yet. I could not stop thinking about the 'what if' part.  I know probably because of the societal pressure I may have been thinking about marriage a lot these days. It is  also the fear of being alone. This world is scary already. I want somebody to rely on. We have that confidence in each other. I am not sure if I can get that comfort in other men. He has been very warm to me since the day we met except our breakup episode.  Right now, I have a lot of things to think about.  A. Are we financially capable to pull off a marriage? - Still questionable.  B. Will our families accept us? - I am more worried about my family.  C. Are we ready to face the future struggles and help each other in need? - Will have to see.  D. Will we be able to blend in...

 dear b, my old love reached out to me. he was remorseful. he told me everything i wanted to hear maybe a month back. the things that i once cried to hear. you know, a part of me wished he said all those things sooner. i would've gone back to him. i would've stopped thinking logically and give myself in.  i bid him goodbye. he shared his stance. i shared the pain i conquered.  i am glad my love did not go in vain. it got recognized and had a sweet ending.  my chapter in his life is complete and so is his in mine. 

Dear B, I broke up with him on October 7. It's been almost a month. I did try reaching out to him the day after. I was mourning the loss of a person I thought I would build a future with someday and it hit me hard when I started dealing with the aftermath. You know the most surprising thing was? He did not even resist a bit when I said it's over. He did not even say, let's try one more time. It was as if he wanted this all along but could not say it to me. I broke up because he started being distant. We were already doing long distance and his effort seemed very vague. Almost like a nothing. I still ignored it in the hopes of seeing him again and feeling something. It is kind of bizarre to acknowledge him as my ex now. Even a month ago, we said our I love yous.  His flight is tomorrow. I have waited 6 months. I have anticipated his arrival all this time. I have planned dates, outfits, his birthday gift. Now, he is gonna be here but we won't meet. He is gonna be here and...

Friends become strangers. It is only just a matter of time.  I know solitude is not the answer to surviving in this cruel world but I am choosing it because it is better to be alone than be with toxic people.  My friendships have become sort of superficial now. I realized there are cracks in my relationships with those people. I just needed time and situations to be exposed to that. It is okay. I still wish them my best. I just think we have outgrown each other.  Sometimes I wish I had less empathy and be more practical. If I were, I would not have to foresee this. Do I think I am too old to make new friends now? Of course not. The possibilities are endless. I am just still mourning my old friendships. Life has been hard. I just hit an epiphany that the people I held close to my heart do not have the slightest interest in their heart for me. I was just their background noise.  I got caught up in other people's love affair and it has been ugly. I could not play along ...