spring is almost here

Dear B,

I broke up with him on October 7. It's been almost a month. I did try reaching out to him the day after. I was mourning the loss of a person I thought I would build a future with someday and it hit me hard when I started dealing with the aftermath. You know the most surprising thing was? He did not even resist a bit when I said it's over. He did not even say, let's try one more time. It was as if he wanted this all along but could not say it to me. I broke up because he started being distant. We were already doing long distance and his effort seemed very vague. Almost like a nothing. I still ignored it in the hopes of seeing him again and feeling something. It is kind of bizarre to acknowledge him as my ex now. Even a month ago, we said our I love yous. 

His flight is tomorrow. I have waited 6 months. I have anticipated his arrival all this time. I have planned dates, outfits, his birthday gift. Now, he is gonna be here but we won't meet. He is gonna be here and ignore my existence like he did all this month. I still am trying to figure out how a person can go south after a conflict in a relationship. It makes me doubt him so much now. I wonder how could he ever say he loved me when he clearly does not even care a bit about my wellbeing. 

I was crying when I called him and he cut me off twice and texted he was busy with friends. It was pretty evident that he was not even a bit bothered by the breakup as I was. I just could not process the fact that even as exes, he treated me like a complete stranger as if this whole 6 months was a lie. Those I love yous were lies, those morning texts were lies, those moments he said he would stick around with me for a long while were lies. 

The first week was the hardest for me. I just wanted him to come back. Text me, communicate, or call to check how I was holding up cause he knew I was in pain; he did hear me cry. He did not even call me back. He did not even bothered to text me. We did not even have a proper break up conversation. He just cut me off. I lost so much respect and love for him over this month that I never thought was possible. The way he treated me afterwards made me realize this whole relationship was based on nothing. 

I am okay now. Much much better. Much alert than I used to be. I talk with other men. I am actually talking with someone on a regular basis and we are hopefully going to meet. I am going on a trip this month too and he is currently residing there for his job. So I guess, it is a new beginning. I wouldn't say I am 100 percent ready to start a relationship again but our communication with each other is so good and he is actually an upgrade! However, too soon to tell. 

I am however, glad that I had experienced love. It broke my heart into pieces but it taught me a lot of things. I don't regret a single thing. I knew eventually it was not meant to workout because he never took me seriously, somehow I predicted it and often times I was anxious in my past relationship. We just have different lifestyles, different set of expectations about life, and it came to a point where I just realized how little value he gave me in his life. I was not a priority. I do regret however, reaching out to him later the breakup. He did not deserve that sweet text I sent him. I should have ghosted him long before. Anyways, what happened was a wakeup call for me. The best part about all this is throughout the whole thing, I was genuine with my feelings to him and it gives me peace knowing that I am not the one who did him wrong. 

I do feel my anxiety going down and I feel much lighter. We were not destined to be together and it is okay. I am happy that I am single and I have that space to love another human being and it is in its own way sort of beautiful. Breakups are scopes for character development as my friends say. 

I am excited for a new beginning with a new person in my life now!