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I’m at work right now. Don’t have any tasks at hand. My mind has been wondering elsewhere for that very reason. Laziness is not my friend as I am an over thinker. 

Yesterday saw a reel on instagram where this famous philosopher said, we often times find ourself feeling negative emotions due to self centered attitude and also we take situations as it appear to us. Nothing is as it appears.

It made sense to me as I seem to have this tendency to take things negatively at first. Nothing comes to me in simple manner. 

I am getting married in almost 2 months and not a day goes by without me hyperventilating.

I understand that love is something we have to work for; it is not always going to free flow. Happy ending is not marriage. Infact, actual hardship comes after marriage.

I believe in us, I truly do. However, somedays I find myself wondering if love is enough. I get critical on days he doesn’t text much or call. Our long distance actually survives on these texts/calls so it bothers me when I don’t see his name pop up on my screen.

It doesn’t stroke me as ‘he might be busy.’
It strokes me as ‘maybe he doesn’t love me anymore’ and I get so self critical and that’s actually unfair.

If our love was that fragile should we even come this far?

I try to understand the verbal cues he leaves me. We both had conversations that weren’t necessarily ‘fun.’
However, life is not instagram highlights. 
I do get carried away sometimes with this impossible expectation that sparks will always be there in a relationship. I have a history of jumping from one connection to another in search of sparks and desire. 

This honestly fears me- our relationship dying out. 
I have to face it as originally a relationship is not supposed to be always at its peak. This is not a romcom situation. This is real life and it is often ugly.

One thing that pain has taught me is that: if you break, you are also rebuildable and also rebuildable into a better version.

The time we once broke up, every day I was miserable but I eventually could think about another person. It made me see what I was missing and what I wouldn’t settle for. It made me brave. It made me realise how much I could take. 

It is wonderful to have someone to pour all the love to but it is inevitable that you don’t neglect yourself in the process.

My reaction to him being a bit distant would be to be kind to myself and get busy with something. Being self critical at this point is counterproductive. 

It felt good to share my thoughts. I may have to go back now.

x


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