Everly

 Hey B Something beautiful just happened. Well, I wouldn't want to get your hopes up. It is probably nothing. Just kind of an epiphany of mine. I realized that I don't have to chase love anymore. I can just focus on myself and my life and it will come to me. I don't have to play mind games. I don't have to sit here wondering where is it.  It's such a bullshit that everyone's love is measured in the same parameter. I always have kind of overlooked the stability of things. I always thought love has to be loud, it has to be grand gestures, it has to be expressed and it's not love if it is not shown. Such bullshit you see. People are different and the way they show love or understand love is different. I just want you to know that, I am going give this 'stable love' a chance. Maybe, maybe this was written in the stars for me and I sought everywhere for it.

 Dear B, You know what's ironic? When half the population of the world is celebrating valentines day and I am stuck home pondering over the egg that I just ate, which looked odd. Kind of like fake. Did I just eat a fake egg cooked in some labs? Okay, let's not go there. The point is. I think I am not doing the life thing right. If only there was an instruction manual, telling me what to do to reach to a point of successful completion, I would have followed it and cling to it like a lost puppy in despair. Here I am glued to my bed, with a sinus infection or possibly covid, and I see this awfully awfully romantic couples doing PDA on social media and or pictures of inseparable friendships. I mean I am not stupid, I know what they show on social media is an illusion of perfection. But there has to be at least some truths to it. It may have been a highlight reel but their day was sure eventful compared to mine. I had to re-evaluate my life. What the hell am I doing. I spent the las...

 Dear B, You know there was this saying that "you keep repeating the same mistake until you learn your lesson." I guess in my case, I just make the advanced version of the mistake and get hurt in a whole different level. B, I am not trying to play dumb. I see the red flags but my mind don't want to acknowledge it like a full blown adult brain. It just wants to act like a dumb teenage girl. It just wants butterflies in the stomach and just wants to be loved and would accept anything to be loved. My definition of love is so toxic and destructive. I can never be happy if I don't change the definition. I can't never let anybody make me feel at home if I keep it like that. I have to make an internal shift. I know, improving physical health is important. I know nutrition, exercise, sunlight can heal. However, unless I detox my mind and be connected with my true self, I can never actually make any changes. It won't make a lasting effect in my life. I need to be confi...

I realized, I don't make the best use of the resources that are available to me. It is mainly due to the fact that I am just simply lazy and unmotivated. I am too comfortable in my position. I gave up learning. I gave up the zest of learning. There are lot of areas in my life that needs improvement.  1. Communication 2. Relationships 3. Career 4. Thought process 5. Attention 6. Organization 7. Health 8. Vocabulary 9. Sleep 10. Overall Lifestyle 11. Dating 12. Personal financing 13. Confidence 14. Energy I am not going to be perfect but that shouldn't stop me from attempting to be the best with all that I have in my power. Nobody should stop learning. Nobody should stop learning because they are too comfortable in life. Growth is very important. Being resistant to change won't keep me moving. It will only bring the same kind of grief. Today, I will try to take the first step to make the use of the time I have. I am simply privileged now with the health and age but I should n...

I want to practice mindfulness in 2022.  I am not sure why I can't seem to accept myself. There are a lot of internal conflicts that I need to sort out. 2021 has been difficult in a sense that I started to unlearn toxic things that were embedded in me by my DNA. I started to become aware of the things my parents did in the name of care. It is not easy to unlearn a generation of traits. It is certainly not easy to break those habits that were formed by years and years of practice and ignorance. I still am optimistic because I had a growth curve in 2021. I do want to change the things that I am aware are bad, I want to let go of the attachments that hold no good for me anymore, and I want to forgive people and send them nothing but prayers.  The most difficult thing I learned, realized, had epiphany of, was the relationship I have with my mother. It took me finally 25 years to admit, the relationship I have with my mother is completely problematic. I started talking about it wit...

  I never felt how love feel. I never felt being loved. All I felt is a shit load of anxiety and the pain of abandonment. I named them love because I thought this is what I deserve. I thought “okay nobody is going to care this much. I am supposed to be grateful that I am    being noticed” Love should not give you this feeling. Love should make you feel safe. Love should make time for you. Love won’t always understand you but will make an effort to be there for you. Love should be the one you trust when the world feels too heavy. Love shouldn’t make you feel you are optional. Love should make you feel you are most important part of their life just like you count love most important part of your life. Love should feel warm. Love should feel happy. Love should feel like the feeling you feel wrapped up in a a comfy blanket during a cold night. Love’s voice should assure you, you’re not alone in this.  No I was never in love. I never had experienced such divine feeling....

Dear B, I am so tired of everything. Suddenly, the thought of not existing seems like an easy way out. I don't know why I am feeling like this. My life is not perfect but it is not bad either. I am well nourished (maybe a little obese), both my parents are alive and healthy alhamdulillah, I have a job, I have people in my life who care about me. Yet I feel so, tired of everything. Living, showering, waking up, working, eating, sleeping, everything. I just again, feel like I don't have a purpose. I am not helping poor people. I am not contributing to research, I am not inventing anything that could help the human kind, I am not smart, I am not intelligent. I have a hard time remembering things. What good am I doing, living? I used to look up to my friends. I used to admire them. These days, I don't feel like meeting them even. I just feel like I have outgrown them or I have all this time, just pretended to be someone so that they accept me.  I do feel for them...When one of ...