A love letter?

 Dear B,

You know what's ironic? When half the population of the world is celebrating valentines day and I am stuck home pondering over the egg that I just ate, which looked odd. Kind of like fake. Did I just eat a fake egg cooked in some labs? Okay, let's not go there.

The point is. I think I am not doing the life thing right. If only there was an instruction manual, telling me what to do to reach to a point of successful completion, I would have followed it and cling to it like a lost puppy in despair. Here I am glued to my bed, with a sinus infection or possibly covid, and I see this awfully awfully romantic couples doing PDA on social media and or pictures of inseparable friendships. I mean I am not stupid, I know what they show on social media is an illusion of perfection. But there has to be at least some truths to it. It may have been a highlight reel but their day was sure eventful compared to mine. I had to re-evaluate my life. What the hell am I doing. I spent the last hour thinking about the egg that is already in my stomach now and does not matter if it was fake or real it is going to get washed away with my poop...and I am waiting for texts/calls from two men who are emotionally unavailable. One of them is bisexual (or in the experimental phase/bicurious phase) and the other one just bluntly skips texts or calls thinking I would still stick around. I mean, just look at my life. I stopped learning. I am not preaching higher degrees as I don't have the funding for it. I barely save up the bare minimum salary I get on clothes and necessities( in my defense, I am not a spender, do you even have the slightest clue how much it costs being a woman?). I am not even near to meeting my soul mate. Tinder sucks. Arranged meet up sucks. Who am I kidding B? 

When will I ever pull everything back together? I am fucked. There is no one in this world who can love me. I cannot show my truest self to anyone because I feel like if they had even the slightest glimpse, they will leave me. I can't imagine sharing bed, can't imagine cooking food for anyone, can't imagine having babies with anyone. My whole life is a blank paper.

I don't know when it all started to fall apart like this. The weird part is, sometimes it just cracks me up instead of making me cry. Right now it is one of those hilarious moments. Last night was rather tearful.

Don't you think it is a little funny? Half the population of the world are smooching their partners, sharing a chocolate fudge cake together over candle lit dinner, and I am here thinking if the egg I eaten was genuine or not because I lost faith in humanity?

Okay you don't have to feel sorry for me. 

I just needed to vent. 

I was having stomach pain, geez. Cut me some slack. 

It's okay to not be okay. I know that is retrieved from some lame ass meme but it is fit for the scenario. 

I can't always quote from great great authors on their thought enriched literatures. I don't even read that many books. It is high time we should also quote from underrated meme artists or whatever they are called.

I do realize, I won't have the same skin, same strength, sexual energy as I get older. Probably I am wasting my best years sulking in unresolved issues I have with my mom. What can I do? I am just fucked. I mean I could have done drugs. Here's the silver lining, I guess. I am still choosing to wake up, work, sleep and function and laugh and cry as a human being.

Maybe I am not apt to be 25. Maybe my mind wants to grow in reverse. Maybe God intended for me to live cluelessly and die cluelessly. I don't know. Life is hard enough. I don't want to be hard on myself. 

By the way, happy valentines day!

I never got to celebrate it with anyone but I can surely say it to you. You know me in some way. So why not. 

Part of myself wants a cheesy phone call or like super romantic text saying my existence has been important. 

I tell you b, there is this teenage girl living inside my body, who just wants to be loved. No gifts, nothing. Only the assurance of love. She has been wanting this her whole life but never got it. I do yearn for her. 

I don't want to end it on a sad note. I just wanna say. I am really grateful for my life and everyone in it. I maybe a bit dysfunctional, trying to figure out life, but so is everybody. Nobody has it together 100% of the time. There are screw ups here and there. Some people are just good at cleaning up their mess. I am just bad at both.

However, it is okay. I just need to keep going until I have a destination.

I will keep going.