spring is almost here

I want to practice mindfulness in 2022. 

I am not sure why I can't seem to accept myself. There are a lot of internal conflicts that I need to sort out. 2021 has been difficult in a sense that I started to unlearn toxic things that were embedded in me by my DNA. I started to become aware of the things my parents did in the name of care. It is not easy to unlearn a generation of traits. It is certainly not easy to break those habits that were formed by years and years of practice and ignorance. I still am optimistic because I had a growth curve in 2021. I do want to change the things that I am aware are bad, I want to let go of the attachments that hold no good for me anymore, and I want to forgive people and send them nothing but prayers. 

The most difficult thing I learned, realized, had epiphany of, was the relationship I have with my mother. It took me finally 25 years to admit, the relationship I have with my mother is completely problematic. I started talking about it with my closed ones. I started finally admitting it, that I have 'mommy issues' and how it is deeply affecting my relationship with people. How it makes me want to seek approval/validation. I am not rooting for the blaming game. All I am saying is that, it is unfortunate that my mother and I, though being connected since birth and destiny, are completely bipolar to each other and there is not much we can do about it. Our relationship just feels hollow and I have been emotionally abused for years and I was unaware of it. She is also unaware of the hurt she caused me. Also, I may have unintentionally hurt her in many shapes and forms. After realizing this truth, I stopped taking her behavior towards me seriously. I stopped listening and yearning for her approval. I started to listen to my own mind and my own body. I also started to own myself more, although my confidence level has not let me do so at times. I started to differentiate between the thoughts created through societal pressure and the individualist thought process. It has been exhausting so far...as she realized too, I don't accept anything anymore, she starts to guilt trip now more and more. Classic brown parent move. I will be okay. It will just be a constant battle. I just have to be aware that's all. I can't let her toxicity get to me. I can't let all these mommy issues get in the way of starting something new with someone. I can't burden myself with her regrets in life, with her own frustrations that I had in the past. I have every right to be myself. Every right to chase dreams, higher goals, and be a good person. 

I hope this year, I learn more things about myself and work on being mindful and kind towards myself and others. Life is grim, but there are opportunities to make it worthwhile. I may have an ordinary life but I want to live it with purpose and I want to do good. Everybody has choices on what they want to become. We cannot completely ignore the genetical aspect but we do have choices in our actions. We can choose to be better. We can choose to learn from mistakes and grow and persevere. 

With that note, I would like to wish you a happy new year. You're the best. Thanks for storing my thoughts. Love you.