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 Dear B,

You know there was this saying that "you keep repeating the same mistake until you learn your lesson." I guess in my case, I just make the advanced version of the mistake and get hurt in a whole different level. B, I am not trying to play dumb. I see the red flags but my mind don't want to acknowledge it like a full blown adult brain. It just wants to act like a dumb teenage girl. It just wants butterflies in the stomach and just wants to be loved and would accept anything to be loved. My definition of love is so toxic and destructive. I can never be happy if I don't change the definition. I can't never let anybody make me feel at home if I keep it like that. I have to make an internal shift. I know, improving physical health is important. I know nutrition, exercise, sunlight can heal. However, unless I detox my mind and be connected with my true self, I can never actually make any changes. It won't make a lasting effect in my life. I need to be confident of my needs, my wants, my desires. I cannot change my past. I cannot change my upbringing. What I can change is my action, my choice. Love is surely our deepest fantasy, love is made through our generational trauma, love is made through life's journey, love is different to everyone. It is security for some people, it is hate, it is jealousy, it is distrust, it is trust, it is insecurity, it is anger, it is rage, it is calmness, it is different to each and everyone. We write our own love stories. We can acknowledge what path is the right path for us. We can stay away from things that can hurt us and choose the one that give us growth. The one that makes us feel connected.

I was genuine. What I say to people I say them with utmost genuineness. It is them who change their ways. They feel a certain way and then they don't. You see, my problem is not the fact that I am genuine, my problem is believing that people always say what they mean.


They don't. I just have to give myself reality checks every time, instead of getting instantly validated.

I need to be stronger and moreover, practical. 





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