Everly

  I never felt how love feel. I never felt being loved. All I felt is a shit load of anxiety and the pain of abandonment. I named them love because I thought this is what I deserve. I thought “okay nobody is going to care this much. I am supposed to be grateful that I am    being noticed” Love should not give you this feeling. Love should make you feel safe. Love should make time for you. Love won’t always understand you but will make an effort to be there for you. Love should be the one you trust when the world feels too heavy. Love shouldn’t make you feel you are optional. Love should make you feel you are most important part of their life just like you count love most important part of your life. Love should feel warm. Love should feel happy. Love should feel like the feeling you feel wrapped up in a a comfy blanket during a cold night. Love’s voice should assure you, you’re not alone in this.  No I was never in love. I never had experienced such divine feeling....

Dear B, I am so tired of everything. Suddenly, the thought of not existing seems like an easy way out. I don't know why I am feeling like this. My life is not perfect but it is not bad either. I am well nourished (maybe a little obese), both my parents are alive and healthy alhamdulillah, I have a job, I have people in my life who care about me. Yet I feel so, tired of everything. Living, showering, waking up, working, eating, sleeping, everything. I just again, feel like I don't have a purpose. I am not helping poor people. I am not contributing to research, I am not inventing anything that could help the human kind, I am not smart, I am not intelligent. I have a hard time remembering things. What good am I doing, living? I used to look up to my friends. I used to admire them. These days, I don't feel like meeting them even. I just feel like I have outgrown them or I have all this time, just pretended to be someone so that they accept me.  I do feel for them...When one of ...

  After a month of feeling numb, I've started to feel things again. I went shopping today. Today was different because 1. I knew what I wanted for myself 2. I made a list prior to going shopping 3. I was bold about what I wanted. Guess what, I managed to avoid buyer's remorse. However, I did buy a pair of jean's that wasn't a good fit. I can fix that though. Just needs a little stitching, that's all. I learned from this experience that it is so much better when you make a list of things you want and stick to it. I can apply to selecting a partner as well. Of course, it will not be like a shopping list. It will create a sense of qualities that I look for and will not negotiate or settle for less. We are human beings and I may not get a perfect partner but I have to see if the person has some qualities that outweighs that bad ones and I can make a deal without having to compromise too much.  Like that pair of jeans I bargained for. It is not a perfect fit. How...

 Dear B, I just couldn't bring myself here. Your girl has been busy. Being an adult is a general drama with occasional anxiety attacks and some fleeting moments of joy. It's like you do have good moments, but you only understand the significance of them after they have passed. Relationships become excruciating. Suddenly, you are responsible for yourself and nobody is going to approve of you acting like a child! I just realized, I haven't been an adult 'mentally' as I should have been before. I am also unsure if I am being a proper adult. You see, I still rely hugely on my parents and I also sometimes don't trust my own judgements. Basically, I am suffering! Suddenly I am caught up between crisis of life and decisions. Major decisions that I am required to make and I still don't know if I am mentally prepared for it. Finances! Marriage! Career! Family! Old age! Parents!  I wake up, I work, I spend some meaningless time scrolling social media and then I go to ...

 I have this self blaming game I cannot quit. Anything worse happens, the first tendency is to blame myself. I had a bad day at work today and it was not because I did anything wrong. My performance is spotless. It is a completely external issue that I have nothing to do with. However, I kept blaming myself for it. I broke down in tears in my lunch break. Thank god I am working from home. Nobody saw me like that. Anyway, so there I was, sobbing, thinking I was the "issue" and I didn't give my 100%.  I give my everything when I set my mind to something. This job is something that I gave my everything to. I worked seamlessly and with utter dedication. The pay is not something I look at when I am working. I give more than I am paid for. I care about this job because it gave me a purpose to wake up. It made me learn something totally new and astounding and I started believing in myself again.  However, I tossed everything aside, the moment I had one bad day. Just one. Which h...

 I used to love weekends but these days I kind of prefer weekdays. The pandemic is still on. The death rates have been higher than ever. I am stuck at home and feeling detached from everything. I thought after getting a job and "some" financial independence, I would worry less about the future. Turns out, it is making me worry even more. With this pandemic being on, I am losing all the good times I am supposed to enjoy at this age. Only 4 months left of this year. Time is moving so fast. Stupid corona ruined all of our lives.

Why is it important to seek closure. Why it important to have a healthy discussion over things that took space in your mind for days and making you lose apatite.  Trust me, it's all worth it. It's going to give you a full night's sleep and an end to emotional draining thoughts. I had been talking with this guy for like more than a month and we were mostly lusting over each other. We both knew we did not see a future together. It started to get confusing and at some point intense. I liked him but the idea of "us" did not make sense. However, I could not stop talking with him. We could not go on a date due to lockdown. I was kind of hoping secretly we don't. I did not want to get more attached. He is a decent guy and amidst some bad days and some good days, he was there for me. I will miss him. I am also glad it is over between us. I need to keep searching for the love and if I get stuck like this, I would not be able to find love. The most amazing thing was tha...