Everly

 I have this self blaming game I cannot quit. Anything worse happens, the first tendency is to blame myself. I had a bad day at work today and it was not because I did anything wrong. My performance is spotless. It is a completely external issue that I have nothing to do with. However, I kept blaming myself for it. I broke down in tears in my lunch break. Thank god I am working from home. Nobody saw me like that. Anyway, so there I was, sobbing, thinking I was the "issue" and I didn't give my 100%.  I give my everything when I set my mind to something. This job is something that I gave my everything to. I worked seamlessly and with utter dedication. The pay is not something I look at when I am working. I give more than I am paid for. I care about this job because it gave me a purpose to wake up. It made me learn something totally new and astounding and I started believing in myself again.  However, I tossed everything aside, the moment I had one bad day. Just one. Which h...

 I used to love weekends but these days I kind of prefer weekdays. The pandemic is still on. The death rates have been higher than ever. I am stuck at home and feeling detached from everything. I thought after getting a job and "some" financial independence, I would worry less about the future. Turns out, it is making me worry even more. With this pandemic being on, I am losing all the good times I am supposed to enjoy at this age. Only 4 months left of this year. Time is moving so fast. Stupid corona ruined all of our lives.

Why is it important to seek closure. Why it important to have a healthy discussion over things that took space in your mind for days and making you lose apatite.  Trust me, it's all worth it. It's going to give you a full night's sleep and an end to emotional draining thoughts. I had been talking with this guy for like more than a month and we were mostly lusting over each other. We both knew we did not see a future together. It started to get confusing and at some point intense. I liked him but the idea of "us" did not make sense. However, I could not stop talking with him. We could not go on a date due to lockdown. I was kind of hoping secretly we don't. I did not want to get more attached. He is a decent guy and amidst some bad days and some good days, he was there for me. I will miss him. I am also glad it is over between us. I need to keep searching for the love and if I get stuck like this, I would not be able to find love. The most amazing thing was tha...

I was mostly in dark about men all my teenage life. I did not know how they function. I could not even look them in the eyes and talk. It is so weird how I perceived them. The only men in my life were from family and I used to shut my mouth around other men...I used to watch a lot of romantic shows and movies and even dreamt about getting married but never actually processed the "dating" or "talking" to a man to reach to that point. It is so embarrassing to think back. If I were normal around men, trying to get to know men, trying to be myself around men, I would not be this confused person.  For me now, I just look at them as a validation bank.  It is not healthy to be overly attached to the image they create for me. I do not know what I am. I only know the person I am based on what they say to me. One of the reasons, us girls get emotionally attached to a man is because we think what they think is so much important and special. Living in a patriarchal society, our...

 The whole country is in shut down again. I do not know how many years this virus will torment us like this. All I know is, it will not leave us any time soon.  The only good thing among the bad things this year is that, I got the job. My first legit job. I worked hard for it. My challenges do not end here. There is so much to learn and grow. I am just happy I landed where I wanted to be.  I am so distant though, kind of disconnected from people. Friends.  I feel alone but okay with it.  I know if I die now, I won't be remembered as much. My family will mourn but the people I encountered with in life will not have much affect in their lives me being gone. This is the most harsh truth of life. This does not pain me. It is only practical because I have not made a change/impact. My energy has not been so forceful or fierce. My soul energy is timid and careful. When you are a person like that, you are easily forgotten. I am okay with that sort of identity. Ultimatel...

 After a week of doing night shift schedule, I am here basking in sunlight. I realized how much impact sun has on our moods and body. My new routine is certainly affecting my mental state. It is not that I am depressed or anything. Honestly, I am too busy in week days to be depressed. I just feel dead inside. And it is all because I am seeing night time more than day time. My office started. Getting out of home feels so sane. I almost feel like a human now. I talk with my colleagues, share frustrations, eat the office food, and complete my designated tasks. This gives me satisfaction. My tendency to connect with people on dating apps and stalking my ex flings has reduced down to almost zero. This is a sign that I am tired of the bullshit. I want love, I do. The kind of love I am receiving is, well, very much replaceable. I do not want to be someone disposable. Good energy, communication, empathy is my love list. I am not thinking too much of my career right now. As I have been on t...

I wish I did not have this bitterness in me because of one person who hurt me. I wish, my faith in love did not shake because of one man who does not know how to love. They take my homeliness as a way for them to feel good. I have tried numerous times to control my empathy for people. I started to realize this is my mechanism. Should one/ a couple of bad experiences change the way I see world? I felt pain but should this pain make me a hardcore or should it strengthen my core self to become more the person I am?  I crave conversations because life is all about people. You live in those impressions. You live in those encounters. I have suffered more than mentally I had ever suffered this past two years. Everything is in alignment except my love life. I am starting to realize there is nothing to fix, only find the right vibe. The right room for myself to confide in.  My heart is tired. I still hope to be treated as good as I treat others. I have always been kind, humble, honest,...