Everly

I just realized one thing by my brother's attitude toward life. No matter how hard boys show them to be, inside they're just as fragile as butterfly wings. I don't know what's wrong with my brother, he's behaving like he's on period all the time. He's sad, frustrated, hates his life, hates himself, hates studies and everything just stresses him out. I don't see him smile anymore. He doesn't come out when people come over to our house to say hi. He doesn't appreciate anything anymore. He just judges. Life, god, fate, our parents. And I feel like I have passed this phase long ago. He is my twin yet it seems like he's my baby brother. Trust me, my voice cracked, I spoke for over an hour, trying to make him understand he can get over his frustration just by accepting everything the way it is. Accepting his fears, his flaws, tiredness. But every time we are in the same page again. He has to face his fears, now or never. He asks- "What ...

 To be honest- today would be the first time in whole week, I'm feeling kinda hopeful. Today, the classes were unbearable! My head was exploding, my tummy hurt and I was so distracted by the heat. Out of all rooms in the building, the ac in ours doesn't work. Even when I get lack of sleep, I try to focus in this classes, note down every point and detail. But today, my pages were blank and apparently a nap is all I'm hoping for.

I'm feeling terrible right now. I am so busy at whining and crying at my pretty wonderful life that I almost always manage to forget to whom I'm telling these things to, whom I'm sharing it with. I am born with this amazing quality- I am so bad at consoling people and I am so bad at listening them also at first because I'm like- too filled up with my own whining and  crying energy. So I made someone cry about her lost father and now I am blogging about it because I feel terrible. And this is my only treatment to stop crying like an idiot. She's my closest cousin and I just can't bear it that I made her cry. And It was so stupid of me to even tell her that- Guess what I cry too at night. About what? I have nothing to cry about. I have my loved ones still here with me. You know loving someone can be really scary. You lose only what you cling to. And losing anyone in my family is my biggest fear. I never want to experience that extreme pain. I never want t...

I woke up one night, I was too restless to sleep. I couldn't even close my eyes for a second. I was constantly thinking. And there came a pause. It was as if, my mind split in half. I was fighting myself at one, and again defending myself at the other. "Shut up!" I whispered to myself in the dark. "Nobody is looking up to you. You don't have to prove anything to anyone.You're fighting your own battle. What they do, is none of your concern. What they can do, should not make you doubt yourself. You should focus on YOU. JUST.YOU." And suddenly I was sure of what I want. Sure of my goal and sure of what should I do and can to achieve. Suddenly I was estimating my success and failure without stressing over other people's achievements and their story. My thoughts that were scattering before, came automatically collected into one. I wasn't looking for the possibilities anymore, I found it. I manipulated my mind. And felt like I was in control. I was in...

Most parents address their child's dream outside of the so called "job world" as- irrational, hobby, impossible. And I wanna speak for the child. You have no idea how by not supporting her interests you're crushing every ounce of her hopes and dreams. She just wants to figure out what she was supposed to become. She wants herself to be found first, not reformed. She wants to see the world out there and she just wants it so bad that her heart can't settle into one big ambition. She just realizes she's an investment of your choice. She's chained to what you choose for her life for you say, you know the best for her. She realizes she can't get out of the outline of the box because she's been designed not to escape it. She's bound to go with your expectations. She's a performer for your goal. She has to score so you can have a sigh of relief that she can be on her own now. It's like raising a caged bird and suddenly you have a feeling th...

Mysha and I went to the rooftop while it was raining today. Well barely raining. I made a "This is all you've got?" face at the sky, making through the swing. But the weather wasn't bad and I hated being stuck at home so I didn't mind. And well, Mysha was there so I didn't have any reason to be bored. "The clouds are peeing" I told her. Oh how much I missed being goofy with her, she's like- my soul sister. We share dreams, that always stays within just dreams . Today we were two dreamy girls sitting at our old swing set; looking up the sky, catching raindrops in the eye and laughing like fools. If all else fails (Meaning if I fail to get into a decent varsity and be jobless) I'd be a youtuber and she'd be my co-worker, and we'll make awesome videos and people will subscribe. we're not gonna be like naila naeem I assure you that, we'd be the decent kinds. And we even thought about what kind of videos we'll post...Mysha...