I feel like this year has been eventful...
First I found out that my brother is schizophrenic. It came as a shock. But I got used to it. A lot tears shed, depression, denial, silent sufferings then slowly surrendering to acceptance, I've come a long way. And seeing him going to classes, and doing the usual stuffs like eating, praying, studying actually gave me a relief, he is a lot normal now, although he still hears things, he manages to ignore it and live his life. I am grateful for that. I accepted the way he is now. And there's never been a time, I wasn't proud. He is a lot stronger than I am.
The highlight of this year would be that we moved to our new apartment. To a completely different area. And so far, I have no such complains. I don't miss my old home, or any of my aunt's ongoing tantrums....
Two of my senior cousins are getting married this year and maybe leaving the country. That is a huge deal in our family. So we are actually getting older and growing apart. This is I don't know, a bit exciting and scary. I wonder where I am at; in the line.
My sister is also moving next year to Canada. She is taking preparations. With my niece being gone with her and her husband, I don't know what I will look forward to anymore in future, for my niece is the bundle of joy in my depressing days....I am gonna miss her. And my mother already cries her eyes out thinking about them being gone. What will happen at the airport, I don't know....
Yet here I am. I didn't end up with good grades. Okay still there are chances, this year hasn't been over. But I just kind of, lowered my expectations with myself.
This year, I cried more than I thought I ever could...I cried a river you could say. I cut myself once. I don't know for what, the pain became bigger than my existence, and I just felt like slicing some skin. Okay it wasn't a biggie, I just ended up with minor scratch marks on my wrists which screamed for attention and it did get some. One of my friends noticed it and ironically that made me realize how stupid I was to do such thing.It was an impulsive act and I am over it.
I learned that you cannot force friendship. All you can do is be yourself around them and let them deal with you. That's all I am basically doing and I have no frustrations whatsoever, I mean at the present time.
I also learned how certain people can appear attractive and it is okay to get attracted. There is no harm in swooning a little. It gives life a bit passion. Inspiration...Having a crush, okay, that not be right, having a strong feeling about someone isn't bad. At least you have something to give out to. It is okay to feel affectionate toward someone, in my age, it is completely logical, given that I have hormones that rage in certain circumstances...SO I guess. It is okay. It doesn't make me a creepy weepy person if I over-analyze things with him. I like him and it is okay.
What's still not okay is.
This year, I have cried too much. I wasted an awful lot of time being unhappy.
I don't deserve that.
First I found out that my brother is schizophrenic. It came as a shock. But I got used to it. A lot tears shed, depression, denial, silent sufferings then slowly surrendering to acceptance, I've come a long way. And seeing him going to classes, and doing the usual stuffs like eating, praying, studying actually gave me a relief, he is a lot normal now, although he still hears things, he manages to ignore it and live his life. I am grateful for that. I accepted the way he is now. And there's never been a time, I wasn't proud. He is a lot stronger than I am.
The highlight of this year would be that we moved to our new apartment. To a completely different area. And so far, I have no such complains. I don't miss my old home, or any of my aunt's ongoing tantrums....
Two of my senior cousins are getting married this year and maybe leaving the country. That is a huge deal in our family. So we are actually getting older and growing apart. This is I don't know, a bit exciting and scary. I wonder where I am at; in the line.
My sister is also moving next year to Canada. She is taking preparations. With my niece being gone with her and her husband, I don't know what I will look forward to anymore in future, for my niece is the bundle of joy in my depressing days....I am gonna miss her. And my mother already cries her eyes out thinking about them being gone. What will happen at the airport, I don't know....
Yet here I am. I didn't end up with good grades. Okay still there are chances, this year hasn't been over. But I just kind of, lowered my expectations with myself.
This year, I cried more than I thought I ever could...I cried a river you could say. I cut myself once. I don't know for what, the pain became bigger than my existence, and I just felt like slicing some skin. Okay it wasn't a biggie, I just ended up with minor scratch marks on my wrists which screamed for attention and it did get some. One of my friends noticed it and ironically that made me realize how stupid I was to do such thing.It was an impulsive act and I am over it.
I learned that you cannot force friendship. All you can do is be yourself around them and let them deal with you. That's all I am basically doing and I have no frustrations whatsoever, I mean at the present time.
I also learned how certain people can appear attractive and it is okay to get attracted. There is no harm in swooning a little. It gives life a bit passion. Inspiration...Having a crush, okay, that not be right, having a strong feeling about someone isn't bad. At least you have something to give out to. It is okay to feel affectionate toward someone, in my age, it is completely logical, given that I have hormones that rage in certain circumstances...SO I guess. It is okay. It doesn't make me a creepy weepy person if I over-analyze things with him. I like him and it is okay.
What's still not okay is.
This year, I have cried too much. I wasted an awful lot of time being unhappy.
I don't deserve that.
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