Skip to main content
Dear Blog.

I don't know how I feel anymore. Toward everything. The only thing I know now is nothing is alright with my brother. He's not him anymore. Yesterday, he unplugged the light bulb in my room, saying there's spy device in them. I forced him to watch a movie with me. He still thinks, someone is targeting him. I just want my brother to be okay again. That's all.

My life went to Bermuda Triangle for a while. I don't feel like studying. I don't feel like being home. My mind is a mess. I am trying to keep myself happy. Keep myself from thinking bad stuffs. But trust me. I never imagined myself, or my family, being in this position. I have never imagined, my twin brother will turn into a maniac. Will have to take prescribed drugs and get frightened of being spied on. I have never imagined myself. How long am I gonna be able to take care of him? What if I get busy with my life again and completely ignore him? And he ends up. He ends up...I cannot even imagine what will happen to him in sheer future. I just wanted a normal life for my brother. I wanted my brother to be able to take responsibilities.  I wanted my brother to take care after us. But I don't know if I am strong enough. It is gonna affect his career, his job life, his personal life everything. I am scared. I am fucking scared of this shit. I just want him to live healthy. I want him a prosperous life like any sister would for her brother. I just.

It sucks how I am tensed, yet I am unable to put myself into action. I am not a good sister. A good daughter. If I were, I would study. Concentrate on building up a future for our family. Cause who knows what's written for us. Who knows, what will happen. Who knows. Maybe it is just the start. Maybe there's more dangers coming. Maybe it is time, I have to get myself ready. Toughen up. Because I have nobody to lean on now. My twin is suffering from mental problems. I have to be the wall he will lean on. I have to be strong.










Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

world war?

 Dear B,  I don't watch the news but there has been a lot of speculations on social media of a possible world war III. My sister just texted me that I should save up money as we don't know what that might do to the economy. It is ironic because I just ordered something online last night. Every time I go out, I spend. I don't even have a good paying job and I spend like I have full time. However, one thing I learned from my past is that there is no point in stressing about the future. What I have control over is now. I can either live in the moment or ruin it by ruminating and what good will it bring to my life? Living alone can get boring. However, I am trying to find things to do. Maybe I will visit a bookstore today. Lets see.  I have rearranged the furnitures yesterday. Cleaned as well. The place looks good.  Maybe I will go IKEA. I love it there. Even though I can't afford furnitures, I just enjoy looking at them. Oh what to tell you B. My in-laws are coming this...
Post a Comment
Read more

opposite sides of a coin

Hi B,  I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well. I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelm...
Post a Comment
Read more

healing in progress

 Dear B,  What I learned from the past week is that I tend to take on grief from others in my family like my own. Even though there is nothing I can do about it to ease other's pain. Hence, I suffer internally.  There is a song that I deeply connect with:  Tu Jhoom | Naseebo Lal x Abida Parveen. It kind of goes like this: “What is meant to be yours will find you through any excuse. My heart, understand that there is nothing in your control. You just swirl (let it go)” My brother recently got rejected from a marriage proposal from a girl he really liked. It was arranged but this was his first experience talking with a girl. Seeing him being torn left me in tears as I know how much he was hurting. He is such a gentle soul. I took his pain as if my own and could not sleep at night. Nothing I say could ease his suffering but I still tried to cheer him up. I prayed genuinely for him to be showered with blessings. I want him to experience life, be with someone who would ca...
Post a Comment
Read more