spring is almost here

Dear Blog,
My brother. He's been acting crazy. He doesn't know he's being crazy. He is having audio hallucination. Never knew it was a thing. He's what they call. Schizophrenic. It is minor now. At least for now he is just hearing things.
I don't know may it is just because I am on my period that I am feeling things, intensely. At the house, everyone is so normal and I am finding it hard to accept. I am finding it hard that my brother is acting weird. He is looking for hidden cameras, he is hearing people call him dork, crazy, idiot and all sorts of negative things.

Here's the thing. I've been such a bad sister to him,still am. He should have hated me. I called him all those things before, told him he is crazy, told him he needs to change, compared him to other boys in our class, dismissed all his actions, didn't listen to what he has to say. I've been such a bad sister! All this time. He's been giving me hints. And I've dejected him. I called him arrogant. I called him mad. All this time.

Believe me. I wanted a normal brother. I wanted him to live a normal life. Have friends. Have girlfriend. Wear nice stylish clothes. I wanted to see him make fun, crack out jokes. And now I clearly see that- all those times, I've been nothing but selfish. I've forced him to be something he can't. He hid out in his room when the guests came not because he was shy or introvert. Because he thinks everybody judged him. In his mind, he thinks, everybody is against him. It's not something he controls. It's something that existed in his mind for a long, long time.

Nothing is normal. He is not normal. I don't know if he would ever be. And I would ever accept that. If I would ever be able to forgive myself for treating him like this. When he needs me now, I am in my room, in tears, crumbled. I am not strong enough to deal with this. I am not strong enough to talk to him about those sounds, about those people who doesn't exist to me. I can't make it stop. I can do nothing. I am a pathetic looser. Batman was right today when he said- I am a furniture. I am just there. I am of no use. I can't handle the fact that, it was me, who told my brother to be more like him. Who looked up to him as the brother she never had. I even said to my brother, I feel ashamed to have him as my brother, he should have been a girl. Or not exist.

I have once told him all this miserable things. And all he could say was I was being rude to him. I wasn't perfect and it wasn't my place to judge. He was right. And I am awfully wrong now. I feel like I am the one who shouldn't exist. Who shouldn't be the one he called his sister.

I don't know how it's gonna turn okay. I don't know anymore. It sucks how I can't let go of the notion that- my brother isn't normal. He is having mental problems. It sucks that in my house, I am the only one finding it hard to talk to him. It sucks how I can't make him feel okay again. It sucks how I am such a cowardice, who can't face her own brother. Who can't be there to support him. To talk with him like a sister would do.

How did I end up here? How in the hell did we end up here? How am I going to deal with this? How and how.