Dear Blog.
My brother went to a psychiatrist today. He is now on medicine and after six months he will properly be diagnosed what sort of schizophrenia he has. Doc said, some people lives with it.
I haven't talked to my brother yet. I got home late, in the evening even though my class was early dismissed and I slept until now. I passed the break hour at the library thinking back all those painful things I used to say to my brother. My own twin brother. The brother with whom I passed nine months together in my mother's womb. I couldn't bear a happy face anymore after the first class. Turtle Dove said not to worry, these things will get pass, but I couldn't help myself thinking back all the cruelty. I sat there in the library at the corner, wept and tried to comprehend how my brother felt when he heard someone continuously say he is stupid. He is dork. He is on crack. And that someone's voice he knows. Someone from in his own family...And I couldn't take it.
Once you hit the reality, there is no going back. Once you know the truth, you can hide it no more. I don't see a way outta this. This is how it is going to be from now on. He is going to have these problems. And I'll never be able to forgive myself for saying those things to him. I can never forgive myself for wanting to change him, replace him.
I have to talk to him eventually, but right now, I can't forgive myself. I have been so judgmental. So judgmental...How am I going to fill up the gaps? How am I going to stop this self-loathing and face him? How is he gonna ever think normally and point out it was all my fault not his? I don't know how to get pass this. I just don't know.
My brother went to a psychiatrist today. He is now on medicine and after six months he will properly be diagnosed what sort of schizophrenia he has. Doc said, some people lives with it.
I haven't talked to my brother yet. I got home late, in the evening even though my class was early dismissed and I slept until now. I passed the break hour at the library thinking back all those painful things I used to say to my brother. My own twin brother. The brother with whom I passed nine months together in my mother's womb. I couldn't bear a happy face anymore after the first class. Turtle Dove said not to worry, these things will get pass, but I couldn't help myself thinking back all the cruelty. I sat there in the library at the corner, wept and tried to comprehend how my brother felt when he heard someone continuously say he is stupid. He is dork. He is on crack. And that someone's voice he knows. Someone from in his own family...And I couldn't take it.
Once you hit the reality, there is no going back. Once you know the truth, you can hide it no more. I don't see a way outta this. This is how it is going to be from now on. He is going to have these problems. And I'll never be able to forgive myself for saying those things to him. I can never forgive myself for wanting to change him, replace him.
I have to talk to him eventually, but right now, I can't forgive myself. I have been so judgmental. So judgmental...How am I going to fill up the gaps? How am I going to stop this self-loathing and face him? How is he gonna ever think normally and point out it was all my fault not his? I don't know how to get pass this. I just don't know.
Comments
Post a Comment