spring is almost here

Okay. I have to clear my head for a bit.
Maybe because, I just came up here, after watching a romantic film and realized I would find no one even close to Ashton Kutcher in life and maybe because I am late, maybe this is just hormones speaking.

I am so disappointed at him. And equally disgusted. SO this guy I have told you about. Back in...well residential semester, he was throwing me pickup lines and it wasn't just him, maybe I was too easy to please. I got delusional and maybe even thought about....Oh thank god I didn't.

So after this whole delusions and assumptions, the magic was gone. I avoided him...Maybe I sensed something wrong and then it was just chats, no face to face talks. But I always had this "Am I being flirty?" Alert in the back of my head. And maybe yes, I was trying to understand this foreign language how to converse with opposite sex. I had shown him interest and I am so not proud of it now. I know this was just going nowhere. But...here's the thing.

He hit on me couple of times back in rs. And it was almost clear to me that he was interested in me. So I also might have behaved the same way. But few weeks back, I saw him with this girl, and I felt nothing. I was practically numb about it because honestly, I don't like him that way after getting to know him a bit...Em...hate to be rude...but He's a BORE.

And I wish I could stop right there. I wish he was just a bore. But he is also kind of a jerk. I heard him straight outta his mouth he was telling one of his guy friends that(couple of weeks ago) that this girl he's dating, he had been talking to her on phone since rs. And his friend replied-"So that was the girl you were always talking to on phone in the balcony at night?" When he was constantly telling I am cute and stuff, I thought he was available. Isn't this two timing?..And let's not forget about another girl he was also hanging out with, always sitting beside her, walking with her ....I've also heard from turtle dove that he was crushed on both of us!! Well consecutively...lol. And all that time I thought it was only me...and...Oh gosh. I've made such a fool of myself. He has just ruined it for me. I came back home from rs thinking that I had an amazing time, I had an amazing time tho, the problem only that he is included there...Now I've got is- weird flashbacks of him and I awkwardly trying to flirt with each other...and me hugging him ...at night before going to dorm. EWWWWW.. Why did I do it?! Even a friendly hug with him sounds icky now.

And just two days back I get a message. A music link. And after that day, I hear he's having trouble with the present girl he's dating...And tonight I get an offline message. Nothing important just something he unnecessarily asked me and I had this thought at the back of my head-What the fuck is going on in his mind?  I am not an option for him when he runs out of options. Geez.

I am just shocked at how much I feel disgusted at him now. He makes me wanna cringe. Even seeing his message pop up want to block him and never get a message. But I can't do that. I can't be reactive. I have to pretend I am cool. But oh god. How much I don't want to see his jerky face. He is disgusting. I also heard he is asking out another girl side by side this girl he's dating currently and that is just...beyond stupid. And God forbid I hear him talk anything other than Girls and Ass and Boobs. And I have seen some screenshots in his phone, no surprise- snapchats of GIRLS. One profile of a Girl on FB.  I am utterly shocked at myself for even wasting a bit of time fancying him last semester, I could have earned better grades. He distracted me a bit. And I was blind. How is this possible that I even felt a bit attracted? He is nothing to be attracted of. I wish I knew him better.

I know all men are not like this. I can't let myself be fooled again with another guy. Maybe there will be no another guy. Maybe I am going to end up alone. But I hated this whole experience. I can't just...tell you how much I want him to disappear from my memory. Oh wait..I have written it all up. 
I don't want to see the sight of him. I wish it was possible.

I am drinking Tulshi water as a consolation drink because it is 2 am in the morning and I can't have tea now and spend rest of the time awake I have to get some sleep. It is so pathetic. The man I like now and had always liked, has no such feelings for me nor will he ever. But I will never feel disgust at this one I know because he is a man with substance unlike that douche, and is in a committed relationship, respects his girlfriend, respects ladies and has a plan and is a hard-worker, studious and also has talent, he sings. Singer guy never sees me like...It is okay. I don't want him to change. I don't belong..with him either. We have personalities that just don't match. You know. I fancy him and that's just it. There's no story about us.

I wish to find someone tho. Someone who doesn't keep the score. Someone without a goal when flirting. Someone who truly cares and has a nice heart. Then I would learn so much...This area is out of my expertise. But I wish to fall in love. I sure do think..It's something beautiful to feel. I don't know.

Maybe this is because of this movie I watched. I should stop watching Rom-Coms. I get so invested.