It scares me sometimes, how stupidly I am wasting my time. I mean. I am on my semester break I don't blame myself but...Time is really moving fast to the part where, responsibilities will take me over, I'll have to get a job or actually be doing something in life. Now? It's just wasting money and time on me. I wonder, how foolish I've been not to study enough to get into a public uni. Now I understand how easy and straightforward that goal was. Now my whole life, I have to figure out what I have to do in future. I mean now that I look at it- it's kinda scary. Don't roll you eyes at me, ok yeah, it's SO scary. So So damn much.
I sometimes lose sleep because of it. Because my parents are getting old, my father had resigned his job when I got in class 10, wait...yeah the fear started right when my father told me he left his job. That moment I was too emotional to even care for money, I was worried about my father, still I am. It is already much pressure that I study in a private and now my brother, he also would go private since his grades are low and since well he didn't take chemistry. It would be too much pressure on him. I get really tensed when I think about these stuffs. When I go shopping to buy something or when I buy something expensive, I feel utterly guilty, although no amount of guilt can change what I had spent. Still it is not healthy. To think about money so much. I mean my father is a wise man he would figure out something, right? I just want him to be careful of his health. He just doesn't. He takes all good care of us, but when it comes to his, he denies to see a doctor. I don't like this thing about him.
I think I have always been like this. When I was in class one, I knew we were middle class, without knowing what middle class really is. All I understood was- I didn't afford lots of barbies. My parents gave me, still giving me everything I ask for (gadgets are excluded. I had to fight with my parents to get a smartphone. They think technology is evil) But I knew, they let me know we're not in a condition where you can wish too much like the rich kids. That was plastered into my mind forever. I grew up thinking, we can't afford that. I grew up in the same building where I was born. I don't know how moving houses or living in an apartment feels like. I am not complaining I am just stating the fact. I don't take these things for granted, all I care now is build a future for me and my parents because money will surely run out. There's no fixed deposit for us. And my elder sister got married before she got a job, a trainee job which pays too little salary and all gets spent on her makeup and dresses. And she's expecting a baby so I don't think she'd be able to assist us with our financial condition in the future. And I don't simply trust my brother because he still behaves like a child, gets poor grades, doesn't have any particular plans. If I were him, I would do my study well, use the english medium background to apply in abroad. I would fucking go abroad. If only he could manage getting straight A's like my aunt did on the A levels.
He just crushed every hope for me you know. I thought he would turn out smarter than me, speak more English than me, have higher goals, since my parents spent crazy tons of money on his education. Honestly speaking, I wish now, he studied in an inexpensive, Bangla medium school. And mostly I am afraid he doesn't have any friends, any real friends, He doesn't mix, he just turned out such a creep and doesn't talk to girls. I wonder how he will do in the corporate life. He is a guy, he has more responsibilities than I do. Not to sound partial. But that is true. In our country, our religion, The man has to be dominant, serving the family. If he can't serve not even himself, how'd he manage my parents, his wife or his kids in the future? Doesn't that scare him even a little? I know what it does to me!
I just. I just want a secure future for my family. I am not sure it has one. And you know something? Middle-class people fight. Yes they actually fight for their position in the world. They don't simply sit around, carelessly thinking they will have all figured out like the rich people do. They know they have to strive and they worry about bills. They worry about every freaking thing that happens in their house. Whether or not it helps to overcome the situation.
I sometimes lose sleep because of it. Because my parents are getting old, my father had resigned his job when I got in class 10, wait...yeah the fear started right when my father told me he left his job. That moment I was too emotional to even care for money, I was worried about my father, still I am. It is already much pressure that I study in a private and now my brother, he also would go private since his grades are low and since well he didn't take chemistry. It would be too much pressure on him. I get really tensed when I think about these stuffs. When I go shopping to buy something or when I buy something expensive, I feel utterly guilty, although no amount of guilt can change what I had spent. Still it is not healthy. To think about money so much. I mean my father is a wise man he would figure out something, right? I just want him to be careful of his health. He just doesn't. He takes all good care of us, but when it comes to his, he denies to see a doctor. I don't like this thing about him.
I think I have always been like this. When I was in class one, I knew we were middle class, without knowing what middle class really is. All I understood was- I didn't afford lots of barbies. My parents gave me, still giving me everything I ask for (gadgets are excluded. I had to fight with my parents to get a smartphone. They think technology is evil) But I knew, they let me know we're not in a condition where you can wish too much like the rich kids. That was plastered into my mind forever. I grew up thinking, we can't afford that. I grew up in the same building where I was born. I don't know how moving houses or living in an apartment feels like. I am not complaining I am just stating the fact. I don't take these things for granted, all I care now is build a future for me and my parents because money will surely run out. There's no fixed deposit for us. And my elder sister got married before she got a job, a trainee job which pays too little salary and all gets spent on her makeup and dresses. And she's expecting a baby so I don't think she'd be able to assist us with our financial condition in the future. And I don't simply trust my brother because he still behaves like a child, gets poor grades, doesn't have any particular plans. If I were him, I would do my study well, use the english medium background to apply in abroad. I would fucking go abroad. If only he could manage getting straight A's like my aunt did on the A levels.
He just crushed every hope for me you know. I thought he would turn out smarter than me, speak more English than me, have higher goals, since my parents spent crazy tons of money on his education. Honestly speaking, I wish now, he studied in an inexpensive, Bangla medium school. And mostly I am afraid he doesn't have any friends, any real friends, He doesn't mix, he just turned out such a creep and doesn't talk to girls. I wonder how he will do in the corporate life. He is a guy, he has more responsibilities than I do. Not to sound partial. But that is true. In our country, our religion, The man has to be dominant, serving the family. If he can't serve not even himself, how'd he manage my parents, his wife or his kids in the future? Doesn't that scare him even a little? I know what it does to me!
I just. I just want a secure future for my family. I am not sure it has one. And you know something? Middle-class people fight. Yes they actually fight for their position in the world. They don't simply sit around, carelessly thinking they will have all figured out like the rich people do. They know they have to strive and they worry about bills. They worry about every freaking thing that happens in their house. Whether or not it helps to overcome the situation.
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