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the truth.

I am no Anime freak. The only anime I watched was Death Note. And without a shame, I am just gonna say I didn't continue it because I lost my interest when Light lost his memory and started to team up with L. And I am not into manga reading either, I read what say- Kaichou Maid Sama and Love So Life yeah that's probably it.

I am uncool. I don't keep up with the trends. When everybody was freaking over Sherlock, I was...I don't what I was up to. I only sat to watch it when Ann begged me to watch it and made me realize what I have been missing. I was pretty much late in the game. Still I am. I didn't convincingly watch Game of Thrones yet, I mean I sorta just started it last month, stopped after season 1 episode 5 because I feel it is just not cut out for me. But undoubtedly I am not over Sherlock, It turned out to be my favorite Tv series. And yes I haven't watched BATMAN movies or Marvel movies, or comics, the only comics I love are Tintin, Chacha Chowdhury or I don't know anything that doesn't involve action.  And yeah when people my age, talks about this stuff I feel a bit inferior. I feel like there's a generation gap. And trust me, when you're making friends, when you're in an environment full of people obsessed with things you don't even give a shit about, it gets hard to be there. It gets hard to pretend. No I haven't read any single Harry Potter Book. I haven't read Divergent Series. I don't know who DOCTOR WHO is. When T showed her Captain America bag to me, I wasn't sure how to react. I don't even know what I haven't had yet anymore.

I need a movie-cation. Hate being left out like this. I feel like I don't connect.

But do you know what's stupid? Blending in despite the things that are solid in you that cannot be mixed. Those things make you, you. And make sure those things do not become an extension, things that you start hiding from your friends.

I thought I was cool. I was artsy. But this year, my thoughts have turned into topsy-turvy. I am anything but artsy. I don't write beautiful verses, beautiful words. I am getting a B- on my English course that's for sure. This wasn't me. A year ago, I was still believing in myself. I was still hoping that, I am going to do something extra-ordinary, put my family in shock, show them how I am capable of things. But I am not so hopeful anymore, you know. I feel my ground shaking. I feel like I am not smart enough to do anything these days. Even just in doing a simple task. It is not the movies, or the books or the obsessions, trust me. It is me. I have completely withdrawn. When I should be fighting, making my position, free myself from all the silly fears that I have. I have given up. And I know it is weird how I started with movies and stuff that I feel insecure about around my new friends, but trust me, there is a state deep within, where this is all on me. I am the one hiding from myself. I am the one. I am the one stopping myself from being fearless, falling into trouble. My life clearly needs trouble because it's like a silent sea. I need to bring the storm in the ocean. Well that's just a metaphor. I need to be the one, the one and only breaking myself free. Share things I love truly, passionately. Say out loud the things I hate, loathe, disapprove. Walk without needing anyone's damn approval on my outfit wherever I go. I need to stop asking my parents if it is okay. I need to stop doubting myself whether I can or can't, because I simply can. I just need that dint of enthusiasm, that sprinkle of belief that I am capable. I am not the odd man out. Or the quiet, shy person. I am a scream queen. Just lock me in a room with bugs and see how I roar.

I don't know what got me today. I am just feeling such a..misfit. If I had some hidden talent to showcase, I would be a wallflower. But such a pity. I am not sure I even have talents. Really. I am blunt.











Comments

  1. AnonymousApril 20, 2016 at 5:12 AM

    "We look before and after,
    And pine for what is not:
    Our sincerest laughter
    With some pain is fraught;
    Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought."

    ReplyDelete

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