sleeping 10-11 hours or not sleeping at all.
So unhealthy. I am guilty. But I just can't quit it.
I am losing balance.
I am ditching prayer and in this holy month of the year. My reasons are most likely excuses. I don't deny it. I could have said- because I sleep half of the day, am trackless of time and most often I am unheard of azan so I don't make it to pray 5 times a day. But I am not saying that. Instead, I am just going to sneeze out the real reason slash excuse for my not praying situation here.
When I see my sister pray, or any other person, who is a true devotee or just someone who performs in what they believe, I see them being content and more firm to that task. And when it comes to me, I am more like- finishing it in a hustle and feeling rather void after it's done. Maybe I lack in believing God or maybe I am just not praying from my heart. Because I am too busy in performing the surahs fast so it won't have to be time consuming. Actually, praying comes to me as a disconnection, my mind from my soul and from my soul from my body. Every time I would question myself, am I doing it right? Is He actually watching and hearing me? And what's the point of this surahs that are not even in my language so I could understand, what I am saying to God. I feel like a total disconnection, let alone contentment. I feel like I am doing a performance and I am not sure if I am being a good performer because I am easily distracted. So praying like this doesn't calm me. It rather makes me doubt everything I am supposed to believe. I don't get inner peace I don't get any satisfaction like others while they finish their prayer. Some do it as a duty but honestly, when I look it as duty, It makes me more indifferent toward it.I go like- okay since I have to do it, I'll do it anyhow.Then some days I'd be too lazy to stand up for a two minute prayer. I'd be sleeping or I'd be doing rather important tasks of mine and thinking to skip it for a day, then a day becomes a month and before I know it, it's been a whole year running from it.
To me, prayer isn't coming face to face with God. It is something to do with inner self. But while others suggest that, you're letting go everything around you, and you're completely devoting yourself into that minute, believing that there must be a reward after this. That, God is looking forward you to pray to Him. When you put the word- Reward at end of anything it comes with conditions. You either get rewarded or be punished. You either get to spend your life in heaven or be fried in hell for an eternity. And it makes it scary. It doesn't make any positive feeling towards praying. It rather enforces us and torment us as long as we're alive. We are bound to the rules. We are bound to the instructions given. We are bound to everything that should have distracted us from our petty desires. But we're not monks. When you put aside all your desires, your soul loses the desire to live. We're not truly devotees until we actually reach that point where nothing bewilders us other than the peace that comes within a pray. And praying for me is a hard task, is something that my little will power finds it hard to digest. And that's why maybe, for having such small strength of mind I fail every time to devote myself to God and deprive myself of the peace of mind I've been craving since forever I was born.
So unhealthy. I am guilty. But I just can't quit it.
I am losing balance.
I am ditching prayer and in this holy month of the year. My reasons are most likely excuses. I don't deny it. I could have said- because I sleep half of the day, am trackless of time and most often I am unheard of azan so I don't make it to pray 5 times a day. But I am not saying that. Instead, I am just going to sneeze out the real reason slash excuse for my not praying situation here.
When I see my sister pray, or any other person, who is a true devotee or just someone who performs in what they believe, I see them being content and more firm to that task. And when it comes to me, I am more like- finishing it in a hustle and feeling rather void after it's done. Maybe I lack in believing God or maybe I am just not praying from my heart. Because I am too busy in performing the surahs fast so it won't have to be time consuming. Actually, praying comes to me as a disconnection, my mind from my soul and from my soul from my body. Every time I would question myself, am I doing it right? Is He actually watching and hearing me? And what's the point of this surahs that are not even in my language so I could understand, what I am saying to God. I feel like a total disconnection, let alone contentment. I feel like I am doing a performance and I am not sure if I am being a good performer because I am easily distracted. So praying like this doesn't calm me. It rather makes me doubt everything I am supposed to believe. I don't get inner peace I don't get any satisfaction like others while they finish their prayer. Some do it as a duty but honestly, when I look it as duty, It makes me more indifferent toward it.I go like- okay since I have to do it, I'll do it anyhow.Then some days I'd be too lazy to stand up for a two minute prayer. I'd be sleeping or I'd be doing rather important tasks of mine and thinking to skip it for a day, then a day becomes a month and before I know it, it's been a whole year running from it.
To me, prayer isn't coming face to face with God. It is something to do with inner self. But while others suggest that, you're letting go everything around you, and you're completely devoting yourself into that minute, believing that there must be a reward after this. That, God is looking forward you to pray to Him. When you put the word- Reward at end of anything it comes with conditions. You either get rewarded or be punished. You either get to spend your life in heaven or be fried in hell for an eternity. And it makes it scary. It doesn't make any positive feeling towards praying. It rather enforces us and torment us as long as we're alive. We are bound to the rules. We are bound to the instructions given. We are bound to everything that should have distracted us from our petty desires. But we're not monks. When you put aside all your desires, your soul loses the desire to live. We're not truly devotees until we actually reach that point where nothing bewilders us other than the peace that comes within a pray. And praying for me is a hard task, is something that my little will power finds it hard to digest. And that's why maybe, for having such small strength of mind I fail every time to devote myself to God and deprive myself of the peace of mind I've been craving since forever I was born.
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