My life is at stake now. Nothing can describe my situation well enough.
The preparation for my sister's wedding is an on going process also an utter distraction to my studies. As you know, I'm giving my pretest exams, deprived of sleep at night because of the new adjustment made. My nanu is staying with us for like-I don't know, months maybe. And I haven't coped up with that. My sister and I in one room is enough disturbance. Plus, I don't really bond with old people. The problem with my nanu is. she can't tolerate heat, so she turns on the ac at night sets it in like 17 temp, also the two fans on full speed., Can I sleep like that? It's just been one night and I am coughing already.
Tomorrow, 19th sept is Api's Akhd. And I am gonna give english exam without any preparation. And then after the big day I have ict which I had a f mark on promotion test so I cannot take chances on failing again. But as my preparation's going, I might fail. Utterly fail.
Yesterday, I went to meet my would be brother-in-law at his house with fariha, anika, mysha and ifti. He seemed pretty cool. There, I realized I lack in social activities. I don't know the rules, the manners, the matured talks. I am still a baby. but fariha on the other hand, was really mature and she had hardly bored one. She talks so smart.
I felt so awkward. I didn't feel like I belonged there, you know. I was the misfit. Back home without anyone noticing I burst into tears, remembering all the awkward and embarrassing moments. I am not pretty, but that's not the issue here. I am always insecure talking with someone I don't know well enough. I am unstable at times, and every embarrassing moments remain my only memories. I don't want these to be my memories, I want to remember all the happiness, all the good times. But last night wasn't any good moments. All I could remember is I was the misfit.
The lessons dadu gave me back then when she was alive and I was a kid. She knew I actually don't fit in. She always knew. She tried to fit me in somewhere, she wanted me to wear clothes like every girl should. She didn't accept me or adore me. She just wanted me to fit in, adjust, manner me to some grown-up miss. Well, I've turned out to be the clumsiest of all my cousins. Her energy to all these went into vain.
But I have grown since. I don't talk graciously, I don't know how to be all well-mannered. I am just me. I am a grown up 18.I am what I am. Ms. clumsy immature. I don't know how to handle ornas, sarees or anything girl-like. I don't know how to talk with strangers, or elders. I am young and weird. I don't know how to fake confidence. If no one likes me, that'd be okay.
I have grown differently, uniquely, weirdly and so clumsily that I don't fit in anywhere. I need a planet of my own. Maybe someday, I will belong.
The preparation for my sister's wedding is an on going process also an utter distraction to my studies. As you know, I'm giving my pretest exams, deprived of sleep at night because of the new adjustment made. My nanu is staying with us for like-I don't know, months maybe. And I haven't coped up with that. My sister and I in one room is enough disturbance. Plus, I don't really bond with old people. The problem with my nanu is. she can't tolerate heat, so she turns on the ac at night sets it in like 17 temp, also the two fans on full speed., Can I sleep like that? It's just been one night and I am coughing already.
Tomorrow, 19th sept is Api's Akhd. And I am gonna give english exam without any preparation. And then after the big day I have ict which I had a f mark on promotion test so I cannot take chances on failing again. But as my preparation's going, I might fail. Utterly fail.
Yesterday, I went to meet my would be brother-in-law at his house with fariha, anika, mysha and ifti. He seemed pretty cool. There, I realized I lack in social activities. I don't know the rules, the manners, the matured talks. I am still a baby. but fariha on the other hand, was really mature and she had hardly bored one. She talks so smart.
I felt so awkward. I didn't feel like I belonged there, you know. I was the misfit. Back home without anyone noticing I burst into tears, remembering all the awkward and embarrassing moments. I am not pretty, but that's not the issue here. I am always insecure talking with someone I don't know well enough. I am unstable at times, and every embarrassing moments remain my only memories. I don't want these to be my memories, I want to remember all the happiness, all the good times. But last night wasn't any good moments. All I could remember is I was the misfit.
The lessons dadu gave me back then when she was alive and I was a kid. She knew I actually don't fit in. She always knew. She tried to fit me in somewhere, she wanted me to wear clothes like every girl should. She didn't accept me or adore me. She just wanted me to fit in, adjust, manner me to some grown-up miss. Well, I've turned out to be the clumsiest of all my cousins. Her energy to all these went into vain.
But I have grown since. I don't talk graciously, I don't know how to be all well-mannered. I am just me. I am a grown up 18.I am what I am. Ms. clumsy immature. I don't know how to handle ornas, sarees or anything girl-like. I don't know how to talk with strangers, or elders. I am young and weird. I don't know how to fake confidence. If no one likes me, that'd be okay.
I have grown differently, uniquely, weirdly and so clumsily that I don't fit in anywhere. I need a planet of my own. Maybe someday, I will belong.
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