Skip to main content

Confession #26

You probably don’t know about my accidentally spilled out dialogues, do you? Well you should have. They got pretty much famous by this time. Okay I know you’re getting confused about what I’m saying now but you’ll soon figure out…
When I was in class nine, I had this stupid talk with Armita (Don’t ask about her, she’s a complete weirdo) I was being retarded through the whole conversation. You know how I am, right? I was just messing with her, making fun of her. So she kind of got annoyed and said, “You’re totally spoiled, Ramisa!” And you know what I responded to her? Let me tell you the exact thing I had said to her-
“AMI TO JONMO THEKEI NOSHTO!”
And she told the whole class about this. Trust me, I was as surprised as everyone there when it came out of my mouth. And this dialogue has famed me since, it had been echoed numerous times as to mock me. I am still ashamed of what I just said that day. It has a dual meaning if you know what I am referring to. Noshto as Bangla is “Ruined” as in English. I can show you some verbal use of it. I’d been asked, “Who ruined you, Ramisa?!” And worse.
---
This happened at the time of my Mama’s ( uncle’s) wedding three years ago. I couldn’t attend my exams as I was attending his wed. So after a week, back to the regular classes while everyone was getting their test results, I was sitting idly and all pouty. My friends were sitting next to me checking their exam sheets. What I wanted to say to them was – Because of my mama’s wedding I couldn’t give my exams. Instead I said-
“AMAR MAMAR JONNO AMAR BIYE EI HOLO NA!!” (Because of my MAMA I couldn’t get married!)
And they laughed out loud hearing this, I was as shocked as they were, TRUST ME!! I was like “NO-NO-NO! I didn’t mean to…” But who am I kidding. Those retarded bastards spread this to the whole class and I on the other hand was embarrassed as hell.

Confession #27

He didn’t notice me much today. I tried my best to talk with him, to be seen by him. But I was left unnoticed and annoyed as hell. What’s up with this guy?! I get that he was busy but still. He was talking with the other girls mighty fine!  I can’t do this anymore, really. This one-sided crush is going nowhere. It’s gonna drag me straight to hell. I have to stop loving him. But these feelings, they just wouldn’t go. I love him to bits. I can’t even spend the day without thinking about him.
I know I have no future with him. He ages like what, 32 or so?! And I turned 18 this year. Loving him would be just a shout in the void. I’ve to stop this. From now on I won’t look for his sympathy or attention. I won’t crave to see him smile or stare at his great looking hands. I won’t look deeply in his eyes searching for LOVE. It may sound filmy, but I often get lost in his eyes shamelessly which from now on; I won’t do it again. I promise, I won’t stare at him relentlessly, shamelessly and vulnerably.
This would be the last confession I’m making about him, I won’t grow my feelings for him any further. I won’t day dream about him because in reality we just don’t belong together. But I want him to be happy. I pray for his good health. Despite the age difference, my love for him will stay forever young. I’d love him, always. But I’d never, ever expect him to love me back… OMG! I AM SOUNDING LIKE AMI CHEKA KHAIC.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

opposite sides of a coin

Hi B,  I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well. I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelm...
Post a Comment
Read more

world war?

 Dear B,  I don't watch the news but there has been a lot of speculations on social media of a possible world war III. My sister just texted me that I should save up money as we don't know what that might do to the economy. It is ironic because I just ordered something online last night. Every time I go out, I spend. I don't even have a good paying job and I spend like I have full time. However, one thing I learned from my past is that there is no point in stressing about the future. What I have control over is now. I can either live in the moment or ruin it by ruminating and what good will it bring to my life? Living alone can get boring. However, I am trying to find things to do. Maybe I will visit a bookstore today. Lets see.  I have rearranged the furnitures yesterday. Cleaned as well. The place looks good.  Maybe I will go IKEA. I love it there. Even though I can't afford furnitures, I just enjoy looking at them. Oh what to tell you B. My in-laws are coming this...
Post a Comment
Read more

"Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.”

“If I had a camera," I said, "I'd take a picture of you every day. That way I'd remember how you looked every single day of your life." "I look exactly the same." "No, you don't. You're changing all the time. Every day a tiny bit. If I could, I'd keep a record of it all." "If you're so smart, how did I change today?" "You got a fraction of a millimeter taller, for one thing. Your hair grew a fraction of a millimeter longer. And your breasts grew a fraction of a—" "They did not!" "Yes, they did." "Did NOT." "Did too." "What else, you big pig?" "You got a little happier and also a little sadder." "Meaning they cancel out each other, leaving me exactly the same." "Not at all. The fact that you got a little happier today doesn't change the fact that you also become a little sadder. Every day you become a little more of both, which me...
Post a Comment
Read more