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Confession #26

You probably don’t know about my accidentally spilled out dialogues, do you? Well you should have. They got pretty much famous by this time. Okay I know you’re getting confused about what I’m saying now but you’ll soon figure out…
When I was in class nine, I had this stupid talk with Armita (Don’t ask about her, she’s a complete weirdo) I was being retarded through the whole conversation. You know how I am, right? I was just messing with her, making fun of her. So she kind of got annoyed and said, “You’re totally spoiled, Ramisa!” And you know what I responded to her? Let me tell you the exact thing I had said to her-
“AMI TO JONMO THEKEI NOSHTO!”
And she told the whole class about this. Trust me, I was as surprised as everyone there when it came out of my mouth. And this dialogue has famed me since, it had been echoed numerous times as to mock me. I am still ashamed of what I just said that day. It has a dual meaning if you know what I am referring to. Noshto as Bangla is “Ruined” as in English. I can show you some verbal use of it. I’d been asked, “Who ruined you, Ramisa?!” And worse.
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This happened at the time of my Mama’s ( uncle’s) wedding three years ago. I couldn’t attend my exams as I was attending his wed. So after a week, back to the regular classes while everyone was getting their test results, I was sitting idly and all pouty. My friends were sitting next to me checking their exam sheets. What I wanted to say to them was – Because of my mama’s wedding I couldn’t give my exams. Instead I said-
“AMAR MAMAR JONNO AMAR BIYE EI HOLO NA!!” (Because of my MAMA I couldn’t get married!)
And they laughed out loud hearing this, I was as shocked as they were, TRUST ME!! I was like “NO-NO-NO! I didn’t mean to…” But who am I kidding. Those retarded bastards spread this to the whole class and I on the other hand was embarrassed as hell.

Confession #27

He didn’t notice me much today. I tried my best to talk with him, to be seen by him. But I was left unnoticed and annoyed as hell. What’s up with this guy?! I get that he was busy but still. He was talking with the other girls mighty fine!  I can’t do this anymore, really. This one-sided crush is going nowhere. It’s gonna drag me straight to hell. I have to stop loving him. But these feelings, they just wouldn’t go. I love him to bits. I can’t even spend the day without thinking about him.
I know I have no future with him. He ages like what, 32 or so?! And I turned 18 this year. Loving him would be just a shout in the void. I’ve to stop this. From now on I won’t look for his sympathy or attention. I won’t crave to see him smile or stare at his great looking hands. I won’t look deeply in his eyes searching for LOVE. It may sound filmy, but I often get lost in his eyes shamelessly which from now on; I won’t do it again. I promise, I won’t stare at him relentlessly, shamelessly and vulnerably.
This would be the last confession I’m making about him, I won’t grow my feelings for him any further. I won’t day dream about him because in reality we just don’t belong together. But I want him to be happy. I pray for his good health. Despite the age difference, my love for him will stay forever young. I’d love him, always. But I’d never, ever expect him to love me back… OMG! I AM SOUNDING LIKE AMI CHEKA KHAIC.

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