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I like to read my old journals. I learn more than I think myself to be. Because the time I write is different from the time I read it. It could be months or years, and mostly I forget what I have once written in months. And I finally realize how I change through a month/year just by leaping through pages of the journal I kept. SO here is the start of the 2015's. It consists of just one entry, because I am too lazy this year to write something up everyday, and I figured, I am in short of a diary. Reading today this put a smile in my face and I've realized how ridiculous I am/used to be. :

Don't touch your hair.
A mental note to myself because I touch my hair, significantly. Soft, rough, edgy or whatever condition it's in, I just touch it to feel like I'm a female with hair unlike Miley Cyrus. But the problem is, many times, I end up pulling my hair out in a painless repeated motion for which I feel guilty afterwards. And horrified because I don't have much hair on me as I should at my age.I envy gorgeous hair. They make me hate myself, I feel ugly and insecure and concerned that my hairs are falling off. Look at that. I nearly covered half page of my new journal talking about hair. Applaud me on that.
It rained today. That might be the cliched thing to say. I hate this thing I am writing on by the way. I hate how this looks more like a phone book. I hate how short it is to cover the whole year. Also I hate spiral things.They're easy to rip off. I can rip off the page where I talked about hair and my habit of touching it.By any chance will you, yes you there reading this crap,will you excuse my handwriting? I know that's a shitty font for a 19 year old but what the hell. Don't judge a journal by its handwriting. Yeah I totally made that up.

I am not aggressive as you think maybe reading this. Oh so you judged me? Okay. I take criticism pretty well. But I'm not aggressive, trust me on that.People say, I can be overly sweet and annoying sometimes. Here's the thing. I'm not confident as I am in writing. I'm vulnerable in talking with people.I suck as a conversation starter. There's an infinite list of things I suck at. But I think I am a good person in a sense that I don't hurt people. Like I don't murder them.

I'm a good girl in a sense that I don't sleep around with my boyfriend, the fact that I don't have any. And that I am respectful of my culture, though not deliberately. I'm as pure as flower. Meaning that I'm a 19 year old virgin with no guy friend. Doesn't that make me one hell of a good girl?
Talking to strangers is nerve-wrecking, talking to guys outside your family circle is much more nerve-wrecking.There.My real reason for not having a boyfriend when most of the girls my age do. And side but not least among the reason is that I'm not pretty. I mean I can be pretty gorgeous wearing make up and make sexy poses in selfies but god. I'm not pretty! The conclusion. The maiden fact; I'm not pretty.

I'm a good girl because I haven't been caught watching porn. I don't even like porn. In fact I get offended by it. But I watch it when I am bored and when I have access to it. I am a teenage girl with Wifi.You tell me.

Conversations thrill me. But I don't engage myself much in that activity. I could be a good listener than of a talker. And I'd feel awkward most of the time. So. yeah. I am delicate, easily embarrassed and I could be a pain in the ass if you don't handle me right. Learned something about me now? Okay. Good.









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