I guess I am one of those people who say sorry many times before even realizing what their fault is and stay sorry.
I have no idea what happened yesterday, with me. All I can remember is- I was watching Channing Tatum and Ellen DeGeneres show on youtube. And oh my god do you know what his biggest fear is? Porcelain dolls! I mean how cute is he?! Okay this is beside the point. Um..So then my evening passed singing and listening and dancing to music all at the same time...Okay again beside the point. Let's see, then I ate my dinner over watching Friends on putlocker...And the episode where Chandler and Monica propose...Tell you one thing that isn't beside the point- I kind of googled Courtney Cox, because I wanted to see what her real life looked like and there were these pictures of her daughter and she. I don't know why I do that, I often stalk celebrity's pictures with their babies and families and I envy them as much as I go fan-crazy about them.
So one thing led to another...I ended curled up in my bed crying alone.
Honestly, I felt so alone. I felt like- I was trying so hard to love myself, to feel secure and finally it was my undoing.I was done with the concealing part. I was done hiding my insecurities to give myself a secure look. That I don't hate myself. But since forever, I've been actually doing it, hating myself, and I still do. That no matter how happy I seem, being alone, getting some space, I am actually sad.
And I found myself uglier than I ever had. Every thing about me, pissed me. Even the way I cried sounded annoying to myself. I felt so unlovable. I felt like- I don't deserve to be here. I have no one. No one who understands me the way I wanna be understood. I felt like- I failed everyone around me my father, my mom, my brother, my sis. I failed to show them how much I care.
My imperfections haunted me. I hated how ridiculous my hair and my feet look, I hated how I waste time and how I dream for things I don't tend to work hard for, ever. I hated the fact that I don't have a secure future but my siblings have it. They have it all planned. Or at least my parents have it all planned for my brother. But what about me? Do I seem like a hard worker? Do I seem like I'd do fine with the admission test's pressure? Because I know. I wouldn't. If only I was able to travel and forget, I would do that. I would leave everything behind me, I would leave and let go of everything I care for. That way, I wouldn't get so attached to both my happiness and sorrows. And call me selfish. I am not happy even when I have all the surviving tools, even when I have somewhat luxury, I don't feel content. Because at middle of the night, I don't have anyone to talk to.
It has happened before. The other day while I was on my period, I cried watching Friends again.
The episode when Phoebie gave birth to triplets and gave them all away to his brother.They were really cute. The babies. Too cute. This things get me. I don’t know why. There had been a trail of sighs, sadness and observation, looking at myself, my reflection at the mirror.
I don’t know what happened to people and celebs and internet and all the social media these days. Is that a trend? Making babies and posting cute pictures of them all over on facebook and instagram? Thank god I am not on twitter. Pfft. I mean. And recently, like very recently I feel surrounded by babies. Seriously. Their pictures, their chubbiness and them. Like those…oh my god those cute little fingers! I could eat them! But I can’t. It’s human meat. But I feel like biting…okay I sound crazy. But just…The idea of having a baby/babies is …I don’t know why it’s crossing my mind for so many times. Like previous weekend my mother, sister and I, we kind of had a girls night out and we went to this parlor, where we had this face massage and you know what I was thinking? If I have a daughter someday, I would take her to the parlor with me every week and we would post pictures of us on instagram, we would manicure and pedicure together, no matter how young she’d be, I would make her feel pretty about herself and we would go shopping afterwards. Do you think that’s possible? Having these thoughts? I am just nineteen. I can't make babies right now, even if I wanted to because I don't have a husband. And most importantly, why am I having these thoughts in the first place? Shouldn’t I be thinking about my admissions and goals and stuff other than this? Ugh like everywhere I go I see babies. In photos, clips and what’s it with guys and babies? It’s like when you see them altogether, bonding or just you know just put a baby on some random guy’s lap and watch them playing. Ohhh such beautiful sight! And if they’re like puppies/ cats/ any kind of cutie animals around …speechlessly heart dropping sight! I melt every time I see babies. And puppies. And cats. And hot guys.
Something is really getting me.I always feel like, something is wrong with me. And that I will be the one in my family, who will suffer. Things I want so bad, will be my sufferings. For instance, I could have a problem, I could be someone who can’t have babies. Like I could end up alone. I imagine all the bad things happening to me.
I don’t know why I can’t see myself happy. Why I think that I will face problems in every step ahead, in life. And then I sat on the floor for a while. Listened to the silence. And thought. Why am I predicting something so unpredictable? Something that could happen but there’s no guarantee they will. And since I am doing that, why the bad stuff? May be I’ll have babies, a lot of them, when I am older of course. I mean if it doesn’t hurt much I would keep them popping out. And maybe someone will find me beautiful and tolerable. Maybe he would see me the way I don’t see myself. Maybe he’ll like to be with me and I wouldn’t feel as lonely as I felt last night. I could have a perfect future. I mean. .. Miracles happen, right? Yeah
I have no idea what happened yesterday, with me. All I can remember is- I was watching Channing Tatum and Ellen DeGeneres show on youtube. And oh my god do you know what his biggest fear is? Porcelain dolls! I mean how cute is he?! Okay this is beside the point. Um..So then my evening passed singing and listening and dancing to music all at the same time...Okay again beside the point. Let's see, then I ate my dinner over watching Friends on putlocker...And the episode where Chandler and Monica propose...Tell you one thing that isn't beside the point- I kind of googled Courtney Cox, because I wanted to see what her real life looked like and there were these pictures of her daughter and she. I don't know why I do that, I often stalk celebrity's pictures with their babies and families and I envy them as much as I go fan-crazy about them.
So one thing led to another...I ended curled up in my bed crying alone.
Honestly, I felt so alone. I felt like- I was trying so hard to love myself, to feel secure and finally it was my undoing.I was done with the concealing part. I was done hiding my insecurities to give myself a secure look. That I don't hate myself. But since forever, I've been actually doing it, hating myself, and I still do. That no matter how happy I seem, being alone, getting some space, I am actually sad.
And I found myself uglier than I ever had. Every thing about me, pissed me. Even the way I cried sounded annoying to myself. I felt so unlovable. I felt like- I don't deserve to be here. I have no one. No one who understands me the way I wanna be understood. I felt like- I failed everyone around me my father, my mom, my brother, my sis. I failed to show them how much I care.
My imperfections haunted me. I hated how ridiculous my hair and my feet look, I hated how I waste time and how I dream for things I don't tend to work hard for, ever. I hated the fact that I don't have a secure future but my siblings have it. They have it all planned. Or at least my parents have it all planned for my brother. But what about me? Do I seem like a hard worker? Do I seem like I'd do fine with the admission test's pressure? Because I know. I wouldn't. If only I was able to travel and forget, I would do that. I would leave everything behind me, I would leave and let go of everything I care for. That way, I wouldn't get so attached to both my happiness and sorrows. And call me selfish. I am not happy even when I have all the surviving tools, even when I have somewhat luxury, I don't feel content. Because at middle of the night, I don't have anyone to talk to.
It has happened before. The other day while I was on my period, I cried watching Friends again.
The episode when Phoebie gave birth to triplets and gave them all away to his brother.They were really cute. The babies. Too cute. This things get me. I don’t know why. There had been a trail of sighs, sadness and observation, looking at myself, my reflection at the mirror.
I don’t know what happened to people and celebs and internet and all the social media these days. Is that a trend? Making babies and posting cute pictures of them all over on facebook and instagram? Thank god I am not on twitter. Pfft. I mean. And recently, like very recently I feel surrounded by babies. Seriously. Their pictures, their chubbiness and them. Like those…oh my god those cute little fingers! I could eat them! But I can’t. It’s human meat. But I feel like biting…okay I sound crazy. But just…The idea of having a baby/babies is …I don’t know why it’s crossing my mind for so many times. Like previous weekend my mother, sister and I, we kind of had a girls night out and we went to this parlor, where we had this face massage and you know what I was thinking? If I have a daughter someday, I would take her to the parlor with me every week and we would post pictures of us on instagram, we would manicure and pedicure together, no matter how young she’d be, I would make her feel pretty about herself and we would go shopping afterwards. Do you think that’s possible? Having these thoughts? I am just nineteen. I can't make babies right now, even if I wanted to because I don't have a husband. And most importantly, why am I having these thoughts in the first place? Shouldn’t I be thinking about my admissions and goals and stuff other than this? Ugh like everywhere I go I see babies. In photos, clips and what’s it with guys and babies? It’s like when you see them altogether, bonding or just you know just put a baby on some random guy’s lap and watch them playing. Ohhh such beautiful sight! And if they’re like puppies/ cats/ any kind of cutie animals around …speechlessly heart dropping sight! I melt every time I see babies. And puppies. And cats. And hot guys.
Something is really getting me.I always feel like, something is wrong with me. And that I will be the one in my family, who will suffer. Things I want so bad, will be my sufferings. For instance, I could have a problem, I could be someone who can’t have babies. Like I could end up alone. I imagine all the bad things happening to me.
I don’t know why I can’t see myself happy. Why I think that I will face problems in every step ahead, in life. And then I sat on the floor for a while. Listened to the silence. And thought. Why am I predicting something so unpredictable? Something that could happen but there’s no guarantee they will. And since I am doing that, why the bad stuff? May be I’ll have babies, a lot of them, when I am older of course. I mean if it doesn’t hurt much I would keep them popping out. And maybe someone will find me beautiful and tolerable. Maybe he would see me the way I don’t see myself. Maybe he’ll like to be with me and I wouldn’t feel as lonely as I felt last night. I could have a perfect future. I mean. .. Miracles happen, right? Yeah
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