Everly

I'd been watching commencement speech on youtube given by respective personalities like J.K Rowling, Ellen, Lisa Kudrow etc. I didn't know I had such patience to hear speeches, whatever. they actually weren't that boring. I mean they are celebrities, whatever they lay on the table, it'd interest us. But no, I did learn something from it. They didn't just happen to be great personalities, they had endured a lot behind the picture. J.K Rowling had to deal with hardship, so as Ellen when she lost her sitcom just because she declared herself as lesbian, Lisa had no intention to be an actress; she was at first working on a research with her father who was a headache specialist. What happened to them was, they have encountered both success and failure and confusion among their passions. Obviously they had struggled at that phase of life and eventually overcame it through their potentials.Now look how accomplished they are! I like what Ellen said. It was somewhat like- d...

So last night I was fully awake, ate sehari and went to bed but struggling to sleep. Then did some yoga to get energized for the morning. And sang a little. Then went to my table, prepared for my class that was that morning. And then went to class half hour earlier(Because there wasn't any traffic on the road I was hoping for) Today however was hard to concentrate because the lecturer was late and I was early that means I was too early than class time. And I was sleep deprived but whatever. I did my best not to sleep in the class.When it was over I went back home and went out again with my mom and sister for some eid shopping. I didn't buy any clothes, the fabric there felt like bed sheets. And those what I liked were either sleeveless or too pricey. So my sis bought a payel(she has a mania. Wherever she goes, she's gonna buy something. Let it be an ankle bracelet) My whole afternoon was spent checking out clothes and stranger's babies at the mall. There was this cute ...

sleeping 10-11 hours or not sleeping at all. So unhealthy. I am guilty. But I just can't quit it.  I am losing balance. I am ditching prayer and in this holy month of the year. My reasons are most likely excuses. I don't deny it. I could have said- because I sleep half of the day, am trackless of time and most often I am unheard of azan so I don't make it to pray 5 times a day. But I am not saying that. Instead, I am just going to sneeze out the real reason slash excuse for my not praying situation here. When I see my sister pray, or any other person, who is a true devotee or just someone who performs in what they believe, I see them being content and more firm to that task. And when it comes to me, I am more like- finishing it in a hustle and feeling rather void after it's done. Maybe I lack in believing God or maybe I am just not praying from my heart. Because I am too busy in performing the surahs fast so it won't have to be time consuming. Actually, prayi...

I don't like jumping into conclusion before I am perfectly aware of any matter. When I am into something, I am deeply into it, when I am not, I am passionately not. I'm feeling alone. I am alone. I am so alone that I can't sleep. If a person was in my room right now and if I had to be silent, I would  delightfully be. It's not like I am craving to talk or anything. I am just...I guess, I am tired of this feeling. I am tired of thinking that this is my life. I have to live it like this. And that I feel marooned at my own house. I feel like my soul deserves to be elsewhere, and I want to end up there. I want to get a life, so I can forget how lonely I am. How disordered and unfit I am. Even my writing says it.  Here's a confession. I think have obsessive compulsive disorder.   (OCD) Judging from the symptoms I have. I repeat actions countless times to be sure. My thoughts are obsessive and I have no control over it sometimes. I label memories. I think I am a bi...

Okay I might be in love with a book character, that is Mr. Darcy. And I haven't overcome my feelings yet so I secretly call myself Mrs. Darcy. This scene is my favorite. I love how the movie didn't ruin the book and how the characters of the movie matched the character of the book. <3

I am in short of words. It's a good sign. It means I am stress free, I am not over-thinking, therefore having a good sleep at night and that I don't give a fuck anymore. Oh by the way. I am over it. Whatever it was, frustration, depression I am just fucking over it. But certain things are itching my brain. Like the mouse of my pc that kind of troubling lately, it needs a fix up. So hard to move the cursor around. And having bad hair day is another reason. Oh my god I am complaining already, aren't I?   So I did an hour and half cycling, Then I got so motivated and energized that I couldn't do anything but surfing the net. Now I am sleepy. That's why I don't wanna be too much motivated, it makes me crave to sing or dance or do random stuffs than just study.

Officially done with HSC. Today was the last one of practicals. And the last day of being together in a class. I am an emotionless bitch and so I have nothing against getting outta college. No time for love or memories. Time to move pass the shitty phase of my life which was HSC and be prepared for something BIG. IDK I am scared. Today was unbelievably chaotic and of many events. First we cousins and three grown ups (my sister does count this time) were at a supermarket dealing with Anisha and three of us kind of got lost. Elevator/  Escalator confusion, cars parking trouble, 2 hours traffic. LONG STORY. And Anisha has a phobia with escalator. But here's the thing. I taught Anisha how to step in an escalator which was to me the best part. See I can handle kids. I am good with kids, I love kids and I think apparently I am in love with kids that trouble. They make things exciting, panicking and then again so exhausting that you don't have to think about your insomnia problem. ...

I am starving myself because I am too lazy to get up, go and have something to chew on. And I don't know these days, I am happier when I don't eat anything, or eat simple foods that require less chewing and digesting. I am not on a diet, I am just too lazy to eat. I am fatigued. And nowadays I am just not fond of having square meal a day...And my mom is yelling at me to fetch me to dinner ...god she's loud... I better get this ass moving. I am back and my stomach is full. Oh look at that glass of milk I just finished in one gulp. Didn't realize how hungry I was. Anyway. So I  started reading Eat,Pray,Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. And I gotta say, this book is a page turner. It's 1am and I am sleepy and I can't sleep without reading at least one more chapter of it. It's soul food. Italy,India, Bali-..This woman had made traveling a part of her salvation, happiness and divinity. I remember watching the movie long time ago with Api, but tell you what, the book...

I like to read my old journals. I learn more than I think myself to be. Because the time I write is different from the time I read it. It could be months or years, and mostly I forget what I have once written in months. And I finally realize how I change through a month/year just by leaping through pages of the journal I kept. SO here is the start of the 2015's. It consists of just one entry, because I am too lazy this year to write something up everyday, and I figured, I am in short of a diary. Reading today this put a smile in my face and I've realized how ridiculous I am/used to be. : Don't touch your hair. A mental note to myself because I touch my hair, significantly. Soft, rough, edgy or whatever condition it's in, I just touch it to feel like I'm a female with hair unlike Miley Cyrus. But the problem is, many times, I end up pulling my hair out in a painless repeated motion for which I feel guilty afterwards. And horrified because I don't have much ha...

You know what my problem is? I am too attached . I am too attached to my family which is not a bad thing but it can be fearful sometimes. Because you lose what you cling to . I am so afraid of losing them, I can't imagine my world without them. And though I should. I should think more practically. That someday, I'd be left alone, or I just could die tomorrow. What I have is now. And I can't depend on somebody or some stuff. I shouldn't get attached with objects- my smart phone for instance. Yeah and I still miss my ipod shuffle. Whatever, the point is, I shouldn't. I should just accept the fact that, I have to be on my own, I have to write my future myself, others can help but they're not gonna be here with me all the time. So what I have is Now . Whatever I am planning to do, I should do it now. There's no getting ready for it. You can't always be ready. Things don't just happen to you, You happen to them.

Whenever I am depressed... I lock myself in my room I play with my closet. Wear lipstick. Turn on some random music and the a/c Sit on the floor. Stare at the wall hear the silence Cry Laugh thinking I've gone crazy get up strip dance behind my dressing table lay down on bed Inhale good thoughts, exhale bad thoughts Cry again Stare at the ceiling fan Get up from bed Sit on the floor again Close my eyes. And hear the lyrics closely sing along wipe tears away turn off the a/c open the door take a shower brush my teeth go back to my room sleep.

Today was different. I finally talked. To my friends. And my family. The whole week I was mute with them. Mostly because I had the pms, I was pissed at my brother IDK everything he did, just pissed me. And my father was quiet this week in particular. He was a little upset on me because I didn't sit to study for a bit. Then he got fever for two days and mashallah now he's okay. My mother backfired me. She was as she is always. Whenever she shouted I kept ignoring her and I listened to plenty of music. And Friends on putlocker kept me preoccupied. But I was pissed, on myself and at everyone for no reason. Today I went to my friend's house. Guess what? Babies love me. My friend's sister's 3 year old who according to them, is very selective in terms of human contact, came to me, sat on my lap, neither of my friend's or her aunt's and I just felt precious. She was cute. Maybe not as cute as Anisha but she made me feel so special. I finally talked. I came bac...

I guess I am one of those people who say sorry many times before even realizing what their fault is and stay sorry. I have no idea what happened yesterday, with me. All I can remember is- I was watching Channing Tatum and Ellen DeGeneres show on youtube. And oh my god do you know what his biggest fear is? Porcelain dolls! I mean how cute is he?! Okay this is beside the point.  Um..So then my evening passed singing and listening and dancing to music all at the same time...Okay again beside the point. Let's see, then I ate my dinner over watching Friends on putlocker...And the episode where Chandler and Monica propose...Tell you one thing that isn't beside the point- I kind of googled Courtney Cox, because I wanted to see what her real life looked like and there were these pictures of her daughter and she. I don't know why I do that, I often stalk celebrity's pictures with their babies and families and I envy them as much as I go fan-crazy about them.   So one th...

"Wake up! Earthquake!" My mom told me and when I peeked up lying on bed she said- "Look because of earthquake all the stuff in my room went right back here!" And that was partly true. I saw her beauty box sitting on my easy chair and stuff, all over the place. Then I remembered her room was supposed to get a new make over- it's getting painted today. But I didn't fall into her conspiracy, I fell right back into sleeping again. Oh my god, she turned my room into a grocery store! Extra-virgin olive oil sits on my table. And a moment ago I was distracted by the shave gel that actually of my father's-that said it moisture and soothes after shaving. And I actually thought of applying that on my legs. Then I shook off the thought and sat to study for a bit, for the vocabulary test I have tomorrow and guess how I've gotten so far? Nothing! Not even a single word. It made me hate myself that I don't know much of these words and how weird they sound an...

So I have been trying to get over from my sleeping disorder. It's been two days, I woke up before anyone shouted on me and I went to bed before the clock strike 12. So far. Success. But I feel like shit during the day. But the thing is, I get to sleep at night, and I wait for it the whole time, the night and when I jump into my bed, when I close my eyes, I actually fall asleep without any trouble which is kind of shocking because I'd been an insomniac for ages. And finally I am recovering, I hope this continues, and I hope I get over it pretty quick.This is not easy for me and at times, it's nerve-wrecking. Just like recovering feels shit to an alcoholic. Hypothetically saying. Unlike every time I take a vow, this time I wanna make sure this works. So I have set some rules. I have created my own rules and I have made myself feel okay about it. And I think it's what I need. Some discipline and control over my life. Since I hate it when others do it, so I've taken ...