Everly

 Dear B, I am giving love a second chance and this time we are planning a future together.  I know I was adamant about not getting back together but something in my heart said, we are not finished  yet. I could not stop thinking about the 'what if' part.  I know probably because of the societal pressure I may have been thinking about marriage a lot these days. It is  also the fear of being alone. This world is scary already. I want somebody to rely on. We have that confidence in each other. I am not sure if I can get that comfort in other men. He has been very warm to me since the day we met except our breakup episode.  Right now, I have a lot of things to think about.  A. Are we financially capable to pull off a marriage? - Still questionable.  B. Will our families accept us? - I am more worried about my family.  C. Are we ready to face the future struggles and help each other in need? - Will have to see.  D. Will we be able to blend in...

 dear b, my old love reached out to me. he was remorseful. he told me everything i wanted to hear maybe a month back. the things that i once cried to hear. you know, a part of me wished he said all those things sooner. i would've gone back to him. i would've stopped thinking logically and give myself in.  i bid him goodbye. he shared his stance. i shared the pain i conquered.  i am glad my love did not go in vain. it got recognized and had a sweet ending.  my chapter in his life is complete and so is his in mine. 

Dear B, I broke up with him on October 7. It's been almost a month. I did try reaching out to him the day after. I was mourning the loss of a person I thought I would build a future with someday and it hit me hard when I started dealing with the aftermath. You know the most surprising thing was? He did not even resist a bit when I said it's over. He did not even say, let's try one more time. It was as if he wanted this all along but could not say it to me. I broke up because he started being distant. We were already doing long distance and his effort seemed very vague. Almost like a nothing. I still ignored it in the hopes of seeing him again and feeling something. It is kind of bizarre to acknowledge him as my ex now. Even a month ago, we said our I love yous.  His flight is tomorrow. I have waited 6 months. I have anticipated his arrival all this time. I have planned dates, outfits, his birthday gift. Now, he is gonna be here but we won't meet. He is gonna be here and...

Friends become strangers. It is only just a matter of time.  I know solitude is not the answer to surviving in this cruel world but I am choosing it because it is better to be alone than be with toxic people.  My friendships have become sort of superficial now. I realized there are cracks in my relationships with those people. I just needed time and situations to be exposed to that. It is okay. I still wish them my best. I just think we have outgrown each other.  Sometimes I wish I had less empathy and be more practical. If I were, I would not have to foresee this. Do I think I am too old to make new friends now? Of course not. The possibilities are endless. I am just still mourning my old friendships. Life has been hard. I just hit an epiphany that the people I held close to my heart do not have the slightest interest in their heart for me. I was just their background noise.  I got caught up in other people's love affair and it has been ugly. I could not play along ...

B, Life was great until I realized there are people in my life I hold important. I actually have a hard time keeping people in my life...When I face any conflicts, I autopilot to "So this it. He/she is done with me." This is my anxiety. Those turbulent times, all I need from that person is a warm embrace. Affection. Understanding that I am flawed and I want a moment of truce. My peace loving attitude has avoided so many confrontations. It put me in situations I felt uncomfortable in. It made me a victim to manipulators. It has shut me up.  You know, B. I always thought the relationships I have with people can easily be broken. I always leave one foot at the door so I can take the nearest exit when things are not in my control or too much to handle...If it was 5-6 years ago, the old me would've left, shut down, start afresh, wouldn't care as much leaving people. This me, however, I can't leave. I can't cut off. I have friends now that I didn't think I cared...

 Dear B, Life has been blunt and I am not exaggerating it even a bit.  I have found love but then there is this reality that is testing it. When I think about the future it makes me feel like I am only dating for just a heart break. I love him but then there is a part of me who is scared to see a life together, there is a part of me who is seeking approval of parents, family, and friends. I mean, I know I should not give a shit about what other people think. It ultimately boils down to me being happy with him. However, I am perplexed. I am grateful that I got to find him and fall in love with him as he has treated me with affection, attention, and time despite having limitation, i.e. the distance. He is actually someone who did not hesitate to show me his vulnerable side. I love him, I do. I just couldn't get past the financial issue. I am unsure if we have control over our finances or that we have a plan that is viable in future to even create a future or get married. This is...

 I had a couple of depressive episodes last month. I guess I am still recovering from it. I sort of crashed.  Last month, I made myself stay at home instead of going out. Just trying to save some money and also I did not feel like socializing. I kept telling myself, this is not permanent. How I was feeling would eventually evaporate.  I feel better today and for the last few days. I kind of feel myself again. I guess I am trying to make myself do things now and focusing on getting proper sleep.