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 Dear B,

Life has been blunt and I am not exaggerating it even a bit. 

I have found love but then there is this reality that is testing it. When I think about the future it makes me feel like I am only dating for just a heart break. I love him but then there is a part of me who is scared to see a life together, there is a part of me who is seeking approval of parents, family, and friends.

I mean, I know I should not give a shit about what other people think. It ultimately boils down to me being happy with him. However, I am perplexed. I am grateful that I got to find him and fall in love with him as he has treated me with affection, attention, and time despite having limitation, i.e. the distance. He is actually someone who did not hesitate to show me his vulnerable side. I love him, I do. I just couldn't get past the financial issue. I am unsure if we have control over our finances or that we have a plan that is viable in future to even create a future or get married. This is why I am perplexed.

We have 2 options. Either keep dating and be in love and build more attachment or breakup now and feel pain in present to be able to move on in future and go separate ways. The reason I am able to think about a break up even when I am in love is that life is not a movie. They show us in movies. love is enough. It is not. We have this ugly reality we are forced to deal with. Otherwise, we are just stuck.

I don't know how am I gonna break this to him. It would have been simple if he did it to me. The problem is I can't face it. I keep distracting myself and numbing myself down with his affection but this is not fair. I don't want to hurt him in the process and also me. I am not sure if I should give in to the society's bullshit and tailor my love for my future partner. That does not sound good either. Both ways, I am losing myself. You know, there were days I craved to be with someone. Now I have that someone in my life yet it is not promised that we'd be together. I am scared of getting hurt and most of all I am scared of hurting the person I love. Maybe I am pessimistic or I am just too afraid to be happy and a people pleaser. Pathetic, right? Adulting sucks.







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