Skip to main content

 Dear B,

Life has been blunt and I am not exaggerating it even a bit. 

I have found love but then there is this reality that is testing it. When I think about the future it makes me feel like I am only dating for just a heart break. I love him but then there is a part of me who is scared to see a life together, there is a part of me who is seeking approval of parents, family, and friends.

I mean, I know I should not give a shit about what other people think. It ultimately boils down to me being happy with him. However, I am perplexed. I am grateful that I got to find him and fall in love with him as he has treated me with affection, attention, and time despite having limitation, i.e. the distance. He is actually someone who did not hesitate to show me his vulnerable side. I love him, I do. I just couldn't get past the financial issue. I am unsure if we have control over our finances or that we have a plan that is viable in future to even create a future or get married. This is why I am perplexed.

We have 2 options. Either keep dating and be in love and build more attachment or breakup now and feel pain in present to be able to move on in future and go separate ways. The reason I am able to think about a break up even when I am in love is that life is not a movie. They show us in movies. love is enough. It is not. We have this ugly reality we are forced to deal with. Otherwise, we are just stuck.

I don't know how am I gonna break this to him. It would have been simple if he did it to me. The problem is I can't face it. I keep distracting myself and numbing myself down with his affection but this is not fair. I don't want to hurt him in the process and also me. I am not sure if I should give in to the society's bullshit and tailor my love for my future partner. That does not sound good either. Both ways, I am losing myself. You know, there were days I craved to be with someone. Now I have that someone in my life yet it is not promised that we'd be together. I am scared of getting hurt and most of all I am scared of hurting the person I love. Maybe I am pessimistic or I am just too afraid to be happy and a people pleaser. Pathetic, right? Adulting sucks.







Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

opposite sides of a coin

Hi B,  I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well. I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelm...
Post a Comment
Read more

spring is almost here

Hi B,  Season is changing. The hard days are almost over.  The city I live in has turned so beautiful, I get overwhelmed by the beauty.  Tulips are in. Cherry blossoms are blossoming.  Magnolia, Beautiful white flowers, name unknown to me.  Taking a walk out feels like a celebration of life.  It feels like I'm falling in love with the city.  I remember when I first moved here 2 years ago, the excitement and the crippling anxiety of starting a new life from scratch. Now, after 2 years, I feel a warmth and love for the place.  I don't know if I would feel the same when the winter comes though. Seasonal depression is no joke.  My new mantra for life now is to chill.  Praise the nature and find pretty little corners in the city.  Write poems.  Paint, maybe.  Seek positivity.  Love. Be kind to self. No rush. Read books. Just flow.
Post a Comment
Read more

healing in progress

 Dear B,  What I learned from the past week is that I tend to take on grief from others in my family like my own. Even though there is nothing I can do about it to ease other's pain. Hence, I suffer internally.  There is a song that I deeply connect with:  Tu Jhoom | Naseebo Lal x Abida Parveen. It kind of goes like this: “What is meant to be yours will find you through any excuse. My heart, understand that there is nothing in your control. You just swirl (let it go)” My brother recently got rejected from a marriage proposal from a girl he really liked. It was arranged but this was his first experience talking with a girl. Seeing him being torn left me in tears as I know how much he was hurting. He is such a gentle soul. I took his pain as if my own and could not sleep at night. Nothing I say could ease his suffering but I still tried to cheer him up. I prayed genuinely for him to be showered with blessings. I want him to experience life, be with someone who would ca...
Post a Comment
Read more