Everly

 Dear B, Life has been blunt and I am not exaggerating it even a bit.  I have found love but then there is this reality that is testing it. When I think about the future it makes me feel like I am only dating for just a heart break. I love him but then there is a part of me who is scared to see a life together, there is a part of me who is seeking approval of parents, family, and friends. I mean, I know I should not give a shit about what other people think. It ultimately boils down to me being happy with him. However, I am perplexed. I am grateful that I got to find him and fall in love with him as he has treated me with affection, attention, and time despite having limitation, i.e. the distance. He is actually someone who did not hesitate to show me his vulnerable side. I love him, I do. I just couldn't get past the financial issue. I am unsure if we have control over our finances or that we have a plan that is viable in future to even create a future or get married. This is...

 I had a couple of depressive episodes last month. I guess I am still recovering from it. I sort of crashed.  Last month, I made myself stay at home instead of going out. Just trying to save some money and also I did not feel like socializing. I kept telling myself, this is not permanent. How I was feeling would eventually evaporate.  I feel better today and for the last few days. I kind of feel myself again. I guess I am trying to make myself do things now and focusing on getting proper sleep.

Dear B, My Nanu passed away last week. My relationship with her was not that solid. However, I do acknowledge that she was a wonderful woman. She was a prime example of a strong, independent woman back in her days. I admire her personality. She had been driven, passionate, and full of energy, motivation, compassion and such a people person. She was by far the best decision maker in the family. She demonstrated good leadership. My grandma worked as a headmistress for years. This could be one of the reasons why I always felt incompetent around her. I always felt like I had what it seemed like a formal relationship with her rather than the 'goofy' kind. You know, I was not the best at keeping contact with her. Also, was not the best in expressing affection. However, she holds a special place in my heart. I do remember her with utmost respect and admiration. I could not say these words to her while she was alive. I don't know how she is doing now or even knows how much I actual...

Dear B, A lot has happened in the month of April. I turned 26. I fell in love. The rest is history. We found each other on an online dating app. I wish I could get into more details. The thing is, I can't describe the feeling.  It's the most beautiful feeling. Feeling wanted, feeling loved. Yes I am talking about Love. He is so affectionate, so kind, so attentive and humane with flaws and such. I get butterflies each time we see each other. Also, I had a bunch of firsts with him, so he is special to me. This is a journey though and I am still learning to be with a human being and foresee a life together. That's the update!

 Hey B Something beautiful just happened. Well, I wouldn't want to get your hopes up. It is probably nothing. Just kind of an epiphany of mine. I realized that I don't have to chase love anymore. I can just focus on myself and my life and it will come to me. I don't have to play mind games. I don't have to sit here wondering where is it.  It's such a bullshit that everyone's love is measured in the same parameter. I always have kind of overlooked the stability of things. I always thought love has to be loud, it has to be grand gestures, it has to be expressed and it's not love if it is not shown. Such bullshit you see. People are different and the way they show love or understand love is different. I just want you to know that, I am going give this 'stable love' a chance. Maybe, maybe this was written in the stars for me and I sought everywhere for it.

 Dear B, You know what's ironic? When half the population of the world is celebrating valentines day and I am stuck home pondering over the egg that I just ate, which looked odd. Kind of like fake. Did I just eat a fake egg cooked in some labs? Okay, let's not go there. The point is. I think I am not doing the life thing right. If only there was an instruction manual, telling me what to do to reach to a point of successful completion, I would have followed it and cling to it like a lost puppy in despair. Here I am glued to my bed, with a sinus infection or possibly covid, and I see this awfully awfully romantic couples doing PDA on social media and or pictures of inseparable friendships. I mean I am not stupid, I know what they show on social media is an illusion of perfection. But there has to be at least some truths to it. It may have been a highlight reel but their day was sure eventful compared to mine. I had to re-evaluate my life. What the hell am I doing. I spent the las...

 Dear B, You know there was this saying that "you keep repeating the same mistake until you learn your lesson." I guess in my case, I just make the advanced version of the mistake and get hurt in a whole different level. B, I am not trying to play dumb. I see the red flags but my mind don't want to acknowledge it like a full blown adult brain. It just wants to act like a dumb teenage girl. It just wants butterflies in the stomach and just wants to be loved and would accept anything to be loved. My definition of love is so toxic and destructive. I can never be happy if I don't change the definition. I can't never let anybody make me feel at home if I keep it like that. I have to make an internal shift. I know, improving physical health is important. I know nutrition, exercise, sunlight can heal. However, unless I detox my mind and be connected with my true self, I can never actually make any changes. It won't make a lasting effect in my life. I need to be confi...