spring is almost here

Dear B,

My Nanu passed away last week. My relationship with her was not that solid. However, I do acknowledge that she was a wonderful woman. She was a prime example of a strong, independent woman back in her days. I admire her personality. She had been driven, passionate, and full of energy, motivation, compassion and such a people person. She was by far the best decision maker in the family. She demonstrated good leadership. My grandma worked as a headmistress for years. This could be one of the reasons why I always felt incompetent around her. I always felt like I had what it seemed like a formal relationship with her rather than the 'goofy' kind. You know, I was not the best at keeping contact with her. Also, was not the best in expressing affection. However, she holds a special place in my heart. I do remember her with utmost respect and admiration. I could not say these words to her while she was alive. I don't know how she is doing now or even knows how much I actually feel for her. I am in tears as I am writing this.

I was present on the video chat when she took her last breath. My khalamoni and mama took care of her at the time she was severely sick. She took her last breath in New Jersey at my khalamoni's place. I saw her from time to time on video chats.  I could not match her with the woman I grew up seeing. She looked so brittle and sad. She was in so much pain. I hope wherever she is now, she is happy and in peace. She would mumble a word or two. She would worry about me not getting married yet. She also made my khalamoni to buy sarees and pack them in a red suitcase for me so I can take it to my in-law's house. My love life was MIA but I guess the only thing that made her look forward to coming to Bangladesh was my marriage. I would talk about it and plan it with her even though I did not have the slightest intention to get married that time but I enjoyed talking about it with her. It hurts knowing now that I won't see her at my future wedding or in any upcoming important life events anymore. She is gone. 

Past few days, I had been sort of in denial. Did not want to believe this part that she is actually gone. Every year she would visit and stay in my room and make my bed smell like Navratna tel and onek onek doa dito amake just simply ami every night moshari tangatam boley. I guess she saw the best in me. She once said she liked my stubbornness. I was arguing with my parents as usual. She saw the best in me and forgot the worst. I was so distant yet she never took it to heart. She tried from her part to get to know me. What I like, what I dislike. She was ever-so-present and evergreen.

I hope you're in a very very peaceful state, nanu. I have not told you ever but I love you so much and please forgive me if I ever hurt you. Thank you for the math lessons and also the life lessons. Thank you for blessing me with all your prayers. I guess the only way I can find peace now is when I imagine you in paradise and in no more pain. Will always cherish your smile, so blissful. Love you, nanu.