Everly

 After a week of doing night shift schedule, I am here basking in sunlight. I realized how much impact sun has on our moods and body. My new routine is certainly affecting my mental state. It is not that I am depressed or anything. Honestly, I am too busy in week days to be depressed. I just feel dead inside. And it is all because I am seeing night time more than day time. My office started. Getting out of home feels so sane. I almost feel like a human now. I talk with my colleagues, share frustrations, eat the office food, and complete my designated tasks. This gives me satisfaction. My tendency to connect with people on dating apps and stalking my ex flings has reduced down to almost zero. This is a sign that I am tired of the bullshit. I want love, I do. The kind of love I am receiving is, well, very much replaceable. I do not want to be someone disposable. Good energy, communication, empathy is my love list. I am not thinking too much of my career right now. As I have been on t...

I wish I did not have this bitterness in me because of one person who hurt me. I wish, my faith in love did not shake because of one man who does not know how to love. They take my homeliness as a way for them to feel good. I have tried numerous times to control my empathy for people. I started to realize this is my mechanism. Should one/ a couple of bad experiences change the way I see world? I felt pain but should this pain make me a hardcore or should it strengthen my core self to become more the person I am?  I crave conversations because life is all about people. You live in those impressions. You live in those encounters. I have suffered more than mentally I had ever suffered this past two years. Everything is in alignment except my love life. I am starting to realize there is nothing to fix, only find the right vibe. The right room for myself to confide in.  My heart is tired. I still hope to be treated as good as I treat others. I have always been kind, humble, honest,...

Dear B, I had a pretty rough week last month. Super rough. I couldn't stop crying...I could not sleep without hearing someone's voice assuring me I am not alone. Thank god for that friend in UK. He was there for me the painful days and also gave me tough love when I was being illogical and stupid. I got my heart broken again. And this time, the man I was with lied and deceived and made fake promises. I wasn't a saint either. I over reacted on some aspects from my part too. But after cutting him off, I realized how imperfect we were for each other. How much there were miscommunication. I talked with him because I felt lonely. I tried to shove him into my life because somehow it made sense to be with him rather than being with no one.  I realized his words were just words. He didn't try to make up with me. We basically ghosted each other. And after a week of wailing and getting busy with work and also talking with people from Tinder I got over the painful part. He doesn...

 I turned 25 today.  I don't know how much different my life will be like this year. A lot of changes for sure.  I just hope I survive with my loved ones beside me. A very difficult time, from 2020 onwards. Life just went upside down for some people. For some people it took toll on their mental health. For some, it went just marginally good. For some, it went so bad that they just don't know how to get back on their feet again. For me, it somehow someway, saved me. Pandemic, changed me, something shifted inside of me, but for greater good.  I learned to pick myself up. I learned to leave my bed. I learned to sacrifice my day sleeping. I learned to positively affirm myself. I learned to love myself even at the time of hate. I learned to forgive and forget. I learned people are struggling and fighting their own battles. I learned that it is important to be compassionate and open hearted towards everyone without giving them the power to hurt you. Kindness is important b...

Dear B, Things are so hectic right now. Today is my weekend. So I feel like human.. .on weekdays it is so intense.  I just wanted to update you that, my life is exhausting- maybe in a purposeful way. I am no longer adhering to the belief that- adulting has to be done right. It is messy and stupidly tiring. And it is okay. Celebrate your little successes. Have an ambition and work hard toward your goals. Life does not have to perfect to be wonderful . 

 I am about to start my corporate journey. I am so thrilled, yet nervous and I can't sleep. I am also scared that, I would start becoming dreamless and dead like.  I don't want to stop having time for myself. Even if my job starts. I want to enjoy life. And be able to breathe.

 the best decision that I took last year was unfollowing him. The way that he treated me was so wrong, now I know. Though I wouldn't say, I was all good. I definitely said and did some things that were toxic too. But now that I am with someone, I understand, how much communication is important. How much, sharing your current thoughts, anxiety, feelings and also concerns with that person is important. We often want to come across as the 'peace lover' and ignore messy/difficult conversations just so we could avoid drama. In all honesty, those difficult conversations are what make things functional. Making assumptions about the person in your head instead of confronting him is the silliest mistake, now I know. No matter how silly you sound, confront him about how you're feeling. If he seems understanding and kind toward you, validate what you're feeling, that's great! It's a positive sign. If he humiliates you for how you're feeling or treats your anxiety a...