Everly

Lesson of the day: I can trust nobody. Except the person that has never betrayed me, that I can tell secrets to and he/she will take it to their grave. I have found that person in life thankfully, and she is my cousin sister. This isn't the point. SO today I kind of let Turtle dove down by spilling something to Sumo. I shouldn't have, but I don't know, something about Sumo. Her manipulative skills took it over from me. And I should have known, she would ask Turtle Dove about this matter. And T will get upset with me. I don't think T will ever tell me secrets anymore. We patched up after. Mainly because, our friendship isn't that old to hold grudges against each other. I don't think she  considers me as a friend- like the bestie kind. Always had doubts on our friendship, maybe it's just me. This is the first time she ever told me a secret and I let that out. Not so loyal of me I know....But I didn't let the matter completely out, I basically, gave ...

I don't look forward to going classes anymore. Mainly because, I have to see his crumbling face.Forcing a smile now and then. Never saying hi to me. I don't feel like I exist to him anymore. Maybe I was just some friend he liked to tease when he used to be in good moods. Now I am just a no one. I hate seeing him like this. SO I tell at home the exact time my classes are over so that I don't have to hang out with them, him being there, looking like the world has fallen apart. I know exactly how he's feeling right now. Actually no. It would be wrong to say that. I don't exactly know what's he's going through. But I can say, he is feeling like he will never love someone like the way he loved her. Since the first day, he was sure of it, she being the one. But it is so wrong to waste such love like that. Who said You can't fall in love twice and thrice? There's no hard and fast rule. Well who am I kidding. I don't know a single thing about love...

Mid week has come to an end. Ah. I can finally rest my head on pillow now. But I did a silly mistake on exam script today! Was too much confident about my potentials in Accounting. Damn it! I can bet everybody got that right except me. Ugh. That's terrible. He deactivated his account on fb. His ex has not. It feels so weird calling her his ex. Geez. I had been stalking them way too much. Before I was like- they're so perfect. No one can come between their relationship...blah blah blah. Now. Those are myths. I am sad for him. She is doing great I guess. My niece is the most adorable thing to come home to! She's such a cutie! I take her in my lap and she smiles sometimes....I don't know how I am going to do without her...It's like every once in a while, I have to sniff her soft hair and kiss her knuckles. This is just my everyday ritual now. How can a person be this adorable? My skin has turned into a havoc. I got acne again, and the spots. They're getting ...

I heard they broke up. Nothing is the same about him. He is so...quiet. And suddenly so cold. Like he does not say hi to anybody or have a conversation. This is so brutal on him. I can't see him like this. He didn't tease me like he used to. He didn't laugh at me. Nor played the shadow game just to make me hear how annoying I sound. I know this isn't about me but I just can't bear the fact that he is hurt inside. He has been betrayed by the girl he loved and still loves so passionately. I also heard things about her. Things that he might not know. I heard she'd been having second thoughts about him and almost dated someone. All has been heard that, people in her class didn't even know she had a boyfriend. I know this isn't my place to judge but she made herself look available to other guys. This is disgusting. If she wasn't committed to singer guy she should have told him about it sooner, just a message saying I don't love you anymore isn...

I feel better now. I feel like shit during weekends. When classes start, I get busy and channel my depression into something so I don't feel like harming myself. It gets really bad when I feel down these days. I don't know. Before it was easy. I used to get busy with books or just watch youtube videos, listen to songs or watch a movie or something. These days, when I feel down, I sleep for abnormal hours and when I wake up I feel like shit. I feel like cutting some skin. Never done self harm. But these days I crave it. Maybe it's just that...I am not happy with myself at all. I am not happy with slow progress, small successes. I want to do better. I want everyone to recognize me, to truly know me. And I know, I don't work as much to want that in life. I have still got a lot of room for improvement. It is about priorities. I sometimes ignore the fact that- studying should be my number one priority right now. I ditch classes sometimes, just because Turtle dove did s...

Everything sucks except the fact that I have a baby in the house. I get hypnotized just staring at her. So innocent. So pure. I want to leave everything, everyone.  I want to be alone, talk to nobody. Sick and tired of being reminded to study, to eat, to shower, to wake up. My parents,grandma, literally everyone in the house are doing that to me. Why can't they just let me be. I don't know why I am suffering. I crave to be alone. Crawl into a black dark tunnel and just stay there forever. I didn't wanna wake up today. My dad threatened me that he would beat me up if I didn't. Now I am hating every moment I am awake. I hate the fact that I have mid on sunday and I haven't studied a bit. I hate the fact that I am not doing the way I should in life. I want to find some tranquility. I seek for patience. I yet don't know how to stop this ache. It's not that there is no reason feeling like this. There is. My house is full of people. And I want to be alo...

it is hurting. I can't forget him. It is getting worse each day. And I am tired of not being wanted.  I hate this feeling...I am in pain right now. I try diverting my thoughts into sleep, into studying but he keeps coming back. I wish we were good friends. Then I would have told him about how I feel and we would laugh it off and I would feel better at least letting it out. I like him. a lott. At to the point where it is almost being impossible for me to keep it in. I want to tell him so bad. I want to tell him the truth that I hide whenever I see him. But I flush and I become mute.Every time. Does it ever end? Does it ever end feeling unwanted by someone you want so bad? So bad in your life that you regret every moment he isn't there? I want to put an end to this. I have to somehow eventually. It is killing me inside.