spring is almost here

I have felt so needless lately, and so helpless and clueless and all sorts of frustrations. I want to help my father, everything is on his shoulders. Till this day, he never showed how pressurized he is until I found it out this semester, my father is struggling to collect for the fees. He tells me he will manage. But I know. I know he is stressed and I have nothing I can help him with. I feel like a useless piece of shit. I went on a pre planned buffet lunch with my friends yesterday and every second I felt unworthy and I was thinking to myself, why did I choose this, I should be at home, I don't deserve an expensive lunch. I don't deserve to have anything in my life.

I didn't know he was having a bit of a crisis until I told him my class is gonna start next week and the payment deadline is within that time. And he was like in shock, and I was broken inside, my heart leaped for a second, I am not a teenie bit worried about the money, I am worried about my father handling all these pressure. At this age, he is supposed to be resting...It takes me back to the fact that, I shouldn't have been born in the first place.

I make it so difficult for him. If I weren't born, it would have increased so much of a life span for him, so much less worrying, so much less stress in his life.

At this point, I am so dreamless. Last night, after the hangout, I came home and I locked my room, and I burst into tears and I sat down on the floor and I kept on praying for his health. I don't know how he does it. 

Why couldn't I be extrovert, why couldn't I be a scholar, Why couldn't I be excelling at everything. Why is it that I exist? Why is that I am still alive and making things more difficult than it already is for my father.

I wanted to harm myself, but I couldn't. I am such a coward for real pain.