I did my prayer (namaz)
today. I felt like I was trying to connect someone on the other side who might
or might not exist. I mean in my heart at some point, I feel obligated to
believe that he exists but … I just can’t face him, for I’ve done such wrong
things, I’m a sinner. Every day. I’m a sinner. I feel like even how much I pray
and bow my head to him, He’s gonna look at me as someone to be punished. Maybe
it’s not lack of believing, it’s just fear that keeps me away from Him.
Some thoughts. Our old generation glorified selfless acts to the point that they started calling putting themselves first as: 'selfish.' To a certain period of time, I have also followed this pattern. I thought taking care of me is selfish. Where taking care of me is fundamental. You cannot pour out of a cup, which is empty. So pour yourself first. I have to unlearn so many of these toxic patterns because these have made my life only miserable and problematic. I am learning that evolving is crucial for living with inner peace. These days, I value so much about inner peace. I'll choose it over others anytime, and it is not selfish. It is in fact for greater good.
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