Confession #68

I wanna confess something I have been hiding all along.

I once wrote you about one of my childhood stories, probably a blast from the past involving my grand-mother on the dad's side.It was when she scolded me real bad for dressing up like a boy, wearing shabby half-pants with a tank. Point to be noted, I was only seven years old then. So wearing a half-pant shouldn't have been a problem in my concern.

Okay I wouldn't repeat the story. But let me give you a brief how I felt and be feeling about this now.

When she scolded me for dressing up like this and told me I was looking like one of the girls from the street I was barely holding my tears back. Right beside me was Anika, one of my prettiest cousin and Dadu(that's what I call my grandma) told me to look at her. Look at her beauty and the lovely frock she was wearing. At that moment I cried.
I cried because I was scold. I dived into the pillow after that scene and cried my heart out because I was just a child. I cried thinking that I wasn't worthy of the love that Anika and her other grand-children were so worthy of.

I was seven years old then. When I started to grow-up, I got to see the real picture steer-clear. She didn't just scold me for the outfit. The outfit was an excuse. She had no place for me in her heart. You see, she didn't ever, ever said positive things about me while she was alive. Trust me it's true. The memories I had with her are bitter, are so bitter that it left a scar. She was the reason behind my insecurities, she made me feel like an outsider. She loved my brother and my sister from the bottom of her heart whereas to me she was unreasonably and unbearably rude. She never said sweet things to me. Like she used to find some kind of happiness behind my sorrows. She would point out the mistakes and be extremely judgmental of me. Took me years to see the true colors of that beast.

I started to bond with Api through my teenage years. I started to grow-up.She inspired me in so many ways. Before that I was an insecure mess. I used to think that I wasn't worthy in anyway. Because Dadu put that into me. Have I told you, Api is the person who inspired me into writing? All that time I used to write secretly in MS word about my innermost feelings, then one day she happened to read all that. She told me I write so good. She read everything and even noted some of my lines in her diary.And that moment my heart filled with a certain kind of warmness. 

My api doesn't know how much she is meant to me. I always wanted a room but what would I do with a room when she's not even there with me? How would I sleep without her being on the other side of the bed and always trying to cuddle with me like I am her kolbalish?

Last night I cried because the past once again repeated. 

It's been eleven years now and I can't forget what Dadu made me feel. When someone reminds me of it, unconsciously though I can't take it. I burst into tears, right away. 

Actually what happened, I'd kind of shown my anger toward nanu who's a control freak and often blame me and Ifty out of blues. And she would never stop mentioning Hia & Dia's name (her other grand-daughters) to us, how gracefully they've been brought up and how caring and scholar they all are. Trust me, nobody knows how much it hurts me being all compared to.It makes me feel worthless again. It reminds me of that situation Dadu once put me in.

My mother later on scolded me twice as hard for my misbehave toward nanu and she said how evil I've become. They tell me nanu hasn't got much days to live on so I should do what she tells me. 

Everybody's gonna die someday. If she's gonna die a bit earlier doesn't mean that she can say anything to us like we're infants. It wouldn't gonna change any fact or any feelings involved. Dadu isn't alive anymore. But those things that she said to me still pains me so bad.
Those feelings of a young baby girl that were hurt once, hurt still. So dying is no escape to this.. Not even the excuse to suppressing my anger, my pain.