Everly

Hi B. I got hired as an english tutor in an online global company. I took 2 classes today and taught english and the pay is not much but it sure did give me some purpose in life. My niece is having trouble in speaking. She's three and her therapist had concerns. My entire world came crashing down since I heard. And I kept crying to my creator. I kept complaining, I still do. Since she was born, all I could think about was when she would talk with me. Call me by Khalamoni. You know how much my heart craves for that sound? You know how much I want to hug her, hold her little hands again? I can't go to Canada because I don't have money. When I will earn that much, the first thing I am gonna do is visit her. I can't take it anymore. I miss her so much. I miss my sister too. The future will always be uncertain. Unpredictable. Maybe little predictable, but still. This world is a cruel place for kids, for teenagers for growing adults. It is a shitty place. It makes y...

just four nights staying out of home i realized, there is nothing more calmer than just leaving. leaving is my tendency, it doesn't have to be physical. whenever i have an issue with someone i just want to leave from there. not face it. i ran away from a would be relationship. i ran away from interviews i applied for. i ran away from my past being a problematic kid. i ran away from a friend who genuinely cares for me. i hurt her and i wanted my release from the prison she created for me inside her mind. i don't want to suffocate in somebody else's interpreted world. i want to be in my own world. making decisions my own way. I don't want to deal with this. Anymore. when i say i am an introvert, socially awkward, people say be more outspoken. it is like telling an extrovert to be more quiet. i hate the fact that, i am in middle of all this people and despite that i feel like i am alone. and everybody thinks it's okay to put aside my conceptions and put th...

I feel so alone I feel the gloom hitting me hard I fell back again by the way He is a stupid fuck creating stupid illusions inside my head there's nothing sadder than this I was finally happy I can't go back to that pathetic self Save me. 

I almost had an accident today while crossing the road. I was alone. I didn't have anyone to help me. I just followed two strangers who happened to be reckless with their lives. And. Yeah. A motorbike just put break inches away from me. I almost cried at the flashlight. Bottom line is. I can't be on my own. I came home my heart still beating. I feel like everybody has someone in their life to be with when their parents aren't there. When my parents aren't with me, I am all alone.  I walked by the lane toward my apartment, feeling so alone. An outsider. An odd between the evens. It makes my eyes all watery when I watch people being themselves and still fitting in. I can't fit in. I am not blaming anybody for that. It is not my friend's duty to look after me, always make sure I am safe. This is something that I should be able to do myself. I am 23. I am not a baby. But most times I feel like I can't do anything right. I had pizza slices today I didn...

When I talk about depression to my father. He doesn't understand it. Instead he just tries to fix me. He thinks waking up in the morning and having breakfast is the only solution to all my problems. I know he's only got good intentions. But he just doesn't get it, does he? I know talking about how my life could've been better, is a bad choice of words because, it only hurts him. He thinks, I am not happy because he couldn't give me the life. That's not what I intended to say. I wanted to create a life for myself, I wanted him to believe in me, since childhood I wanted to become my own person. Living on his money, on his hard work and constantly being pushed around as a 'problematic child' was not my dream. He just doesn't get it, I am not happy not because we aren't rich. I am not happy because, I feel lost. I feel frustrated with myself, how so little self esteem I have and how I just feel like a waste of space. My emotions go out of con...

long time no post? Well I've been down for a while. This semester was brutal. I had classes six days a week. And 8 am classes too. But I did fairly well. I mean I wanted straight A's but A minus is not so bad either. I am not so disappointed. Though I had been thinking about dropping Finance as my second major...It is kind of a pain in the ass, so I might be considering just marketing. Let's see what happens. 6 months to go! I had lost connection with myself. Stress have got me. I am on break now. Feeling like a blunt existence again....I also lost my interest to journal. I might just leave this blog here. I don't know. There's gonna be very few posts from now on. I am not myself these days. I am just going with the flow like a dead fish.