Everly

So I have to make up excuses to avoid hangouts with school friends. Because get this. I have it all lined up next week, and tomorrow, I have to go to this lunch invite and I was so not feeling it. But I have to do it because I have fear of missing out. And to top it off. I had to lie to my parents, on 3rd next month i'm gonna stay at a resort for one night, with all my friends. I told my parents it is managed by university and I am gonna stay at a girl's dorm. If I get caught, I can only assume. I am gonna be in dangerous trouble. My phone is hitting up with messenger groups. For all this planning and shit. I mean, I am not complaining, but I love my space. And I like staying home. I am not on a social sphere. It is just that, all of them are planning movie, lunch, then this resort....It is all too much! And I don't have my pocket money, I have to run it through my parents every now and then. The conversations are not fun. But this is the first time, I am going t...

the restart of the engine, the green light to go the sweats on the face feels cold as the air hits, as the car finally moves. when you're finally home, mom tells you we have ice-cream in the fridge. you before even changing clothes, drop your body on the bed with a spoon and the box. As the vanilla melts in your mouth you think about the day and you think life is not so bad.

Dear B! Life is quite happening for me right now haha. I have an Iranian guy on my what's app. Basically, I used to follow this photographer/architect on instagram, since 2012! It took him 7 years to finally notice me. He has over twenty thousand followers. It started when I commented on his photo saying he is cute. He followed me back and texted me Where are you from? You look so good. Then things escalated way fast and guess what? He would like to talk and 'enjoy'. Okay I know, foreigners are wild and full of spice so I am not getting invested into this. I will keep my territory clean. And just talk. There is no harm in that. If I get even slightly uncomfortable, I would block him. Simple! If 7 years ago I knew this guy I stalked would actually notice me, I would've died with sheer happiness. I am happy now too but knowing this would be a pointless recreational activity; kind of makes me sad at the same time. I wish I had money and fly to Iran and meet him and do...

So I am officially 23. And I smoked  a few mins ago. Yes an actual nicotine full of cigarette, and I felt awfully dizzy. I don't know why I did that, maybe because I had a stressful day today and this is all I was looking forward to all day. It is always exciting and fun to do something that your parents and society abandon you to do. Obviously I am not making a habit out of this, it is not a regular thing. It's just a reckless one day -temporary fun. Besides, I am still kind of dizzy and my room smells. I have to do something about the smell before my non-smoker parents find out about this. Well it's 12.18 am, they're all asleep, hoping in the morning the smell will vanish. Now I am sitting with a tub of ice-cream. To remove the aftertaste. To be honest. I am not feeling 'good' or 'soothed out', I am feeling super dizzy and a slight headache. Why do smokers enjoy this? I am still trying to figure it out. My birthday was extra good this year. I had ...

I have two good news. One is that..he didn't get the message. Facebook doesn't send offline  texts that got deleted initially. Yes I have done my fair share of research on that field...phew! I was worried about losing my self esteem, it's intact now, so I'm super carefree and enjoying my life again. Another news is that, I am moving on... I am starting to realize I love my life without him in it. It is wonderful. Carefree. Almost beautiful. I need no man to tell me things I already am/was. Great I am gonna take a nap and after that I have to prepare my speech for the presentation.

Oh my god. I sent him a cheesy text. I deleted it before it was sent. But there is a high chance facebook has it in its server and probably he got the text. I hate technology. And instant gratification. I was sleep deprived and probably wasn't even thinking straight. UGH I hate myself. He hasn't responded so I don't know if he got it or not. I am so bothered....I mean the text was platonic but the problem is, it gives him too much importance, it glorifies him and slightly makes me look like a desperate chick. There is no way, he is reading that. If he reads that, my world might as well end. Okay overreacting, but still. I HATE TECHNOLOGY.

If only a year ago, he asked me out, I would've said yes to him. I would've loved him with all my heart. I don't know what got to him lately ... He held my hand today for a while, my past self would've jumped up and down with joy, that he finally is noticing me and saying all the sweet things a girl wants to hear, saying you're pretty over and over that it is losing its meaning now. I don't know what I feel for him anymore. I needed a validation he is giving me that. I never imagined myself, actually expecting him to be unreal for a second. To be completely catching me off guard. why did he made me feel like. He is going to ask me out for real this time? If he actually liked me he would've noticed all the other things than the way my hair strands fall on my face. If he liked me, he would've known how much I like to be in the background while everyone just talked their hearts out. I am afraid, he is only going to like me on my look good days. That though...