Everly

So eid went surprisingly good. I thought my cousins wouldn't show up at our house because all their drivers were on holiday. But my uncle drove them and I had all of my cousins crowded out in my room. My niece came too! And we ate and gossiped and I slept over to another of my cousin's house. So I guess this year's eid wasn't bad at all. It gets better when you don't expect at all... And I still am kind of hung up over him. I know he doesn't think about as much I do about him. But I still wanted to see him. I still wanted to be with him...This semester is so brutal. I get to see him two days in a week and for like barely an hour. Can you believe it? Sometimes I get late for the class or he leaves for home early and I don't even get to see him the whole week. This is...I don't know how I will manage when we'd go our separate ways. I don't know how I will actually physically control myself seeing him start dating. I mean sooner or later, that ha...

This year's eid is no eid at all. I am on my pjs and I just showered and I have no other place to hang out. I had plans with my friends, which I cancelled only because he didn't call me yet to say if he could pick me up. That's...I know how pathetic it sounds. But No I am serious. I don't wanna go there if I don't matter at all. It is better I stay home like this and wail. My brother hasn't dressed up either. There is no eid at my house. Nothing is the same like last year. I don't know why I feel like this is how it supposed to be. There is no point in celebration. There is nothing to celebrate.

I am way over my head here...How did I fall back again? UGH. I should have some self-control, I am serious. This ain't going anywhere. But that smile oh gosh. I missed him. He shouldn't have this pretty smile. I wish his teeth were yellow, and had the worst smile in this planet. But no. He has to have a smile that melts my heart every time I see it. I hate myself right now. I totally do. It is not like I am in control of myself. You can't control these things, can you? Oh Allah. Please save me from this. Please don't make me fall right back in. It was so hard. I can't go through this again. No.

I dozed off last night and that is what I have been doing past few days. And it is like so hard to keep myself awake.

My parents are so unhappy with me. Well, can they be blamed? I am a little shit. They don't deserve a daughter like me. It would have saved them so much trouble, if I weren't just born. If my brother and I weren't fraternal twins. If he was the only one born. They could have focused on him more and maybe, maybe. He wouldn't get schizophrenia. And I would not exist in this world so I wouldn't have known/cared. I have mid exam tomorrow. I haven't studied at all. You know, I spent all night last night trying to know more about this disease. I tried a simulator. It broke me inside. My brother has to go through that all day everyday and to him all those aren't delusions, those are reality to him and unreality for us normal people. Some psychiatrist even said, you'd be better off with cancer than schizophrenia, because cancer is easier to cure than schizophrenia. Cancer has certain treatment measures. But with schizophrenia, the mental illness, it is unsol...

I talked to my brother today, learned a few things about him. I didn't realize yet how much I missed him and how much was missing between us till this conversation this morning...Tho I was the blabbermouth, still it was necessary. I hope it meant something to him. I hope it fixed something there. I hope he doesn't feel so alone in this anymore.

My sister is pretty settled down with her life now. And she seems happy. That is a good thing I guess, for her. I want her to be happy and appreciating toward life, because my brother on the other hand is totally indifferent toward his. It sucks to see him like this, gradually giving up. I sometimes wish, if I were in his place. What would I do. Being a girl has its advantages. You somehow manage to pull yourself up. No matter how bad the wound is in your heart. You somehow stitch up a patch and go with the flow as it is. You somehow make it through. My brother has been different since this year started... And since then, I have been missing his old self. I don't feel like I have a brother. I don't feel like it. I miss him, being able to talk with me about any topic, his laughter, his eagerness toward food and current affairs of the world and history. We are twins yet we are so different. Right now, I just want him to be happy. I want him to love himself as much so he could ...