My parents are so unhappy with me. Well, can they be blamed? I am a little shit. They don't deserve a daughter like me.
It would have saved them so much trouble, if I weren't just born. If my brother and I weren't fraternal twins. If he was the only one born. They could have focused on him more and maybe, maybe. He wouldn't get schizophrenia. And I would not exist in this world so I wouldn't have known/cared.
I have mid exam tomorrow. I haven't studied at all.
You know, I spent all night last night trying to know more about this disease. I tried a simulator. It broke me inside. My brother has to go through that all day everyday and to him all those aren't delusions, those are reality to him and unreality for us normal people. Some psychiatrist even said, you'd be better off with cancer than schizophrenia, because cancer is easier to cure than schizophrenia. Cancer has certain treatment measures. But with schizophrenia, the mental illness, it is unsolvable. And what makes me terrified is that, that woman in the TED ED video said, two years after it gotten worse, she even attempted to drill a hole in her head so the voices shut up...If my brother tries to hurt himself in some way, it would destroy me. He believes everything the voices tell him. And I am scared, what if the voice starts to blackmail him? And what if he obeys it? I am not sure about the time and place of possibility of that happening and I am scared. I am scared now every moment. I didn't know this disease was this dangerous.
And it sucks how I not know how to support him toward this. Talking with him feels like talking with a wall. I told him to write me everything he hears. He says he doesn't feel like doing that. I don't know what to do I am terrified and depressed and my parents don't understand how emotionally devastated I am at this point. I had a massive fight with them this morning. You know, at this point I don't wanna do this anymore. Living everyday now is a burden. I am tired.
It would have saved them so much trouble, if I weren't just born. If my brother and I weren't fraternal twins. If he was the only one born. They could have focused on him more and maybe, maybe. He wouldn't get schizophrenia. And I would not exist in this world so I wouldn't have known/cared.
I have mid exam tomorrow. I haven't studied at all.
You know, I spent all night last night trying to know more about this disease. I tried a simulator. It broke me inside. My brother has to go through that all day everyday and to him all those aren't delusions, those are reality to him and unreality for us normal people. Some psychiatrist even said, you'd be better off with cancer than schizophrenia, because cancer is easier to cure than schizophrenia. Cancer has certain treatment measures. But with schizophrenia, the mental illness, it is unsolvable. And what makes me terrified is that, that woman in the TED ED video said, two years after it gotten worse, she even attempted to drill a hole in her head so the voices shut up...If my brother tries to hurt himself in some way, it would destroy me. He believes everything the voices tell him. And I am scared, what if the voice starts to blackmail him? And what if he obeys it? I am not sure about the time and place of possibility of that happening and I am scared. I am scared now every moment. I didn't know this disease was this dangerous.
And it sucks how I not know how to support him toward this. Talking with him feels like talking with a wall. I told him to write me everything he hears. He says he doesn't feel like doing that. I don't know what to do I am terrified and depressed and my parents don't understand how emotionally devastated I am at this point. I had a massive fight with them this morning. You know, at this point I don't wanna do this anymore. Living everyday now is a burden. I am tired.
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