Everly

I AM A SILLY, SI-LLY girl.

I feel like I am not opening up to anyone. My cousins. They don't know about how I am doing right now, with my brother's schizophrenia and all. Because one of sisters went to residential campus. And I don't wanna tell her on phone. I probably would tell her when she comes back. And I miss Mysha. I didn't see her since. That family feud with my father and uncle. I feel isolated. These people I used to tell everything in my life that goes on. Now I have no one. It kinda sucks... I guess I am still coping up. It is funny how it is my brother who is sick and I am feeling like a sicko. I keep telling myself that everything is gonna be okay yet I punish myself skipping breakfast, skipping lunch or dinner and get deprived of sleep. I feel like I don't deserve this life. This... But today it is fine. I had breakfast. I didn't know, things could get better since I learned that my brother is schizophrenic. I didn't know I would be able to listen to songs, laugh o...

I found this song on his like list....I stared at his name on his profile. While this was still playing in my headphones...Crazy beautiful... What is he doing to me. What am I doing to myself. Shit. I figured it out. I figured it all out. I am in love with this man. And it only going to get worse. My heart ached since yesterday, I bade him goodbye and it ached to see him one more time. I don't wanna sound so..poetic and silly. But trust me...whatever I am feeling right now. Can't be just a crush. It's been almost eight months! A crush cannot stay that long. I freaking love that man. And everything about him. Even the things I hate, I love. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't control this emotions....This song... Just made it worse. Why in the hell had to stalk his soundcloud profile??? Why --ugh I can't. I have to get myself together. It only gonna wreck me if I don't. It is never meant to be. We don't belong... But I love him. I can...

I don't like whatever I am feeling right now. I hate the fact that I am not doing enough studying.

I smoked. This is the second and last and I won't do it again. I even didn't finish the whole cigarette. My friend bought me a light one, which was low in nicotine. I felt nothing. It was...Just a little weird sensation ... So Batman knows I am crushed on singer guy. Turtle dove told him about us having crush on the same guy. However he doesn't know, I know he knows. So I pretended like- I am ignorant of anything that is going on. My brother is watching a show. He was prescribed two books. Happy for No Reason by Marci Shimoff and the other one I forgot the name. My father went to shopping yesterday and bought the books. I took one to read. I have a quiz tomorrow. This year is going to be a long one...

Dear Blog. I don't know how I feel anymore. Toward everything. The only thing I know now is nothing is alright with my brother. He's not him anymore. Yesterday, he unplugged the light bulb in my room, saying there's spy device in them. I forced him to watch a movie with me. He still thinks, someone is targeting him. I just want my brother to be okay again. That's all. My life went to Bermuda Triangle for a while. I don't feel like studying. I don't feel like being home. My mind is a mess. I am trying to keep myself happy. Keep myself from thinking bad stuffs. But trust me. I never imagined myself, or my family, being in this position. I have never imagined, my twin brother will turn into a maniac. Will have to take prescribed drugs and get frightened of being spied on. I have never imagined myself. How long am I gonna be able to take care of him? What if I get busy with my life again and completely ignore him? And he ends up. He ends up...I cannot even imag...

Dear Blog. My brother went to a psychiatrist today. He is now on medicine and after six months he will properly be diagnosed what sort of schizophrenia he has. Doc said, some people lives with it.  I haven't talked to my brother yet. I got home late, in the evening even though my class was early dismissed and I slept until now. I passed the break hour at the library thinking back all those painful things I used to say to my brother. My own twin brother. The brother with whom I passed nine months together in my mother's womb. I couldn't bear a happy face anymore after the first class. Turtle Dove said not to worry, these things will get pass, but I couldn't help myself thinking back all the cruelty. I sat there in the library at the corner, wept and tried to comprehend how my brother felt when he heard someone continuously say he is stupid. He is dork. He is on crack. And that someone's voice he knows. Someone from in his own family...And I couldn't take it. ...