Skip to main content
To be able to sit back and let the universe do its job is no easy work. When you say, believe the timing of your life and fate, do you actually expect me to do nothing? Doing nothing is so much harder than doing something. Trust me when I say this.

Being home has its perks but being home in vain is what makes me crestfallen. I wish to speed the time up so I could go classes again, meet my friends, laugh at silly things. What I realized staying home a month without having to do anything is...I am the most pampered adult in the family. And it doesn't make me get out of the comfort zone. I am not doing anything substantial in my life that could bring me fortune in the future.

When I am in the university, my thoughts stop processing because I engage in conversations and forget that I have to become something. When  I am home I get all the anxieties, sometimes movies help to distract me a bit but most often I find myself distracted from the movie itself. I find myself, brooding over the fact that, I am not doing anything meaningful with myself. Existential crisis, you can name it whatever you like.

For all I know, I want to be a good mother. I want my kid to feel complete. My whole life, I have been projecting how my future generation will be like and how I want to build them.These days I've been having such cravings for babies, you wouldn't believe. I am 22 and I feel like I could be a good mother to a child. I could raise em up well. It's funny how whenever I feel gloomy, I think about a bright future for a kid, who would be my kid and who would have everything I wish to have and become everything I am not. Is this too weird that I want this now?

I am not thinking about marriage so soon, I am just too fond with the idea of having babies. Babies are so peaceful, I observed it closely by spending time with my niece. She is so cute and I remember her everyday now, I have been missing her to an extreme. She is in Canada now, but I wish everyday I could hold her in my arms and feel the showering of peace over my mind.

She used to be my happy pill.








Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

world war?

 Dear B,  I don't watch the news but there has been a lot of speculations on social media of a possible world war III. My sister just texted me that I should save up money as we don't know what that might do to the economy. It is ironic because I just ordered something online last night. Every time I go out, I spend. I don't even have a good paying job and I spend like I have full time. However, one thing I learned from my past is that there is no point in stressing about the future. What I have control over is now. I can either live in the moment or ruin it by ruminating and what good will it bring to my life? Living alone can get boring. However, I am trying to find things to do. Maybe I will visit a bookstore today. Lets see.  I have rearranged the furnitures yesterday. Cleaned as well. The place looks good.  Maybe I will go IKEA. I love it there. Even though I can't afford furnitures, I just enjoy looking at them. Oh what to tell you B. My in-laws are coming this...
Post a Comment
Read more

opposite sides of a coin

Hi B,  I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well. I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelm...
Post a Comment
Read more

healing in progress

 Dear B,  What I learned from the past week is that I tend to take on grief from others in my family like my own. Even though there is nothing I can do about it to ease other's pain. Hence, I suffer internally.  There is a song that I deeply connect with:  Tu Jhoom | Naseebo Lal x Abida Parveen. It kind of goes like this: “What is meant to be yours will find you through any excuse. My heart, understand that there is nothing in your control. You just swirl (let it go)” My brother recently got rejected from a marriage proposal from a girl he really liked. It was arranged but this was his first experience talking with a girl. Seeing him being torn left me in tears as I know how much he was hurting. He is such a gentle soul. I took his pain as if my own and could not sleep at night. Nothing I say could ease his suffering but I still tried to cheer him up. I prayed genuinely for him to be showered with blessings. I want him to experience life, be with someone who would ca...
Post a Comment
Read more