opposite sides of a coin

My grandmother is admitted to the hospital in USA. She's got high fever and cysts in her pancreas, which everyone is hoping not cancer, because if it turns out cancer she wouldn't have much of time. My aunts and uncle are highly educated people, less emotional than my mother of course, more intelligent and know how to deal with critical situations like this. One of them is a doctor in UK. My uncle works in google. I come from a bloodline of overachievers from my mother's side.

The point is she is in good hands.

I have always kept my distance from Nanu, due to my intimacy issues with old people. It started with Dadu actually. I have been not much of a poised, lady like grand-daughter to be likable. And the fact that, I had to share a room with Nanu when she used to stay at our house, made me turn cold towards her and I think I made it pretty clear when I argued with my parents about not having a room of my own loudly, for her to listen at night.That is the thing, I made such a bad impression on her. What makes me go self-analyzing is the fact that, she never turned cold towards me. Despite everything I said, despite indirectly making her feel like a burden in our family, or the countless times I ignored her on her face, she never said hurtful things to me...When she spoke to me, she spoke the good things about me, though there were a few in all the badness I have in my character. 

We've never been close, because she's too religious and I am not...And because she came to a time in my life when I was frustrated and it was difficult for me to see good in anything. It hurts me now that she is terribly sick and probably gonna die with knowing how soulless and bad I am as a person. And how such a disgrace I am for having almost no academic success compared to her other grandchildren abroad. She was headmistress back in her days....I have never ranked first, second, third in my school years....I have zero talent.

Nanu showcased a strong character all through her life. She has shaped young minds, she has brought up her children successfully, she used to be an excellent teacher, a good wife, an independent woman. It is ironic what age does to a person...She is so much dependent now.