I woke up at 5 pm today and my father forced me to do breakfast at 10 and let me go back to sleep again. Yesterday, I woke up at 7 at the evening. I can't leave my bed, I am that depressed.
I know it isn't solely about the guy I am not talking to. I have his number, I am aching to give him a call but I am resisting it. He is 42, that keeps ringing in my head when I think about calling him.
I woke up from a dream today. I was at BUP. It is the semi public university I once got accepted through written test but got sacked in viva. They didn't take me because my spoken English wasn't good enough. And I was a wreck at the interview. I was shaking and not answering their questions properly. If I studied there instead of Brac, my father would have to pay less than half the money he pays for my tuition fee. I never forgave myself for messing up the interview.
Guess now I see in my dream what my mind wants to see. SO the dream was, I was there, admitted on a second time basis, I was at the class and the teacher was awfully kind to me. I left Brac. That's all...Wish it was that easy.
Do I regret studying in Brac? That can be controversial. I am thankful for tarc, that place changed me in awful lot of ways, and the friends I got. I do regret not being a good student here. And the money my father spends on me. I feel like they're being wasted. If I were in BUP instead of here, maybe the only regret would be not getting close enough friends, because they have no tarc thing, (3 months in a residential campus) I wouldn't have found that strong of a bond by just attending classes with strangers, maybe I'd just be thankful for the cheap tuition fee that's all. And the fact that I was worth spending that little amount. I wouldn't care any less. Life would be different.
I'm thoroughly depressed. That dream made me realize that. This is why I can't leave my bed. I keep thinking if someone could understand what I am going through instead of scolding me for oversleeping and skipping breakfast and lunch. I know it would be extravagant to say that. But trust me, I feel like I have no control over what I am feeling. I feel like I will always be a failure to my parents and myself. Being depressed isn't something I do on purpose. It just lives with me. Whenever it sees a chance, it takes over my mind and just glues me to my bed. I feel tired doing nothing all day. I dream things from distant past, that still tortures me.
I think right now all I need is a good long shower. I smell. I didn't shower yesterday. I didn't shampoo my hair for 3 days. It stinks. I put on some hair oil. And then I came here to write so the oil sinks in. I can't shampoo right away, it won't have any benefit if I do. After I shower, I will sit with my management book. Study for the mid, at least try. I would have to force myself to sleep at night, because I have a class in the morning tomorrow, and I have to look fresh and motivated.
She couldn't sleep
In fantasies deep
A hundred secrets to keep
She tossed and turned
She wrote her wishes
As the midnight
Oil burned
He wrote that for me. Gosh why am I going through our old messages. I can't be thinking about a guy who I didn't even meet in person. I can't be that desperate.
Everyone went to T's place today, I am seeing the snaps now. T told me to come. I made up an excuse. But seeing the snaps, I kind of feel like a left out. I could have gone. I should have left my bed and get dressed, I owed myself that. But I couldn't make up the courage to tell my mom that I wanna hangout. They don't like me hanging out with my friends much. They would say, Go study for a change. Besides I went out a lot this week, so I can use some time at home. I can really use that. Okay done with introverting for now. I gotta shower. Bye.
I know it isn't solely about the guy I am not talking to. I have his number, I am aching to give him a call but I am resisting it. He is 42, that keeps ringing in my head when I think about calling him.
I woke up from a dream today. I was at BUP. It is the semi public university I once got accepted through written test but got sacked in viva. They didn't take me because my spoken English wasn't good enough. And I was a wreck at the interview. I was shaking and not answering their questions properly. If I studied there instead of Brac, my father would have to pay less than half the money he pays for my tuition fee. I never forgave myself for messing up the interview.
Guess now I see in my dream what my mind wants to see. SO the dream was, I was there, admitted on a second time basis, I was at the class and the teacher was awfully kind to me. I left Brac. That's all...Wish it was that easy.
Do I regret studying in Brac? That can be controversial. I am thankful for tarc, that place changed me in awful lot of ways, and the friends I got. I do regret not being a good student here. And the money my father spends on me. I feel like they're being wasted. If I were in BUP instead of here, maybe the only regret would be not getting close enough friends, because they have no tarc thing, (3 months in a residential campus) I wouldn't have found that strong of a bond by just attending classes with strangers, maybe I'd just be thankful for the cheap tuition fee that's all. And the fact that I was worth spending that little amount. I wouldn't care any less. Life would be different.
I'm thoroughly depressed. That dream made me realize that. This is why I can't leave my bed. I keep thinking if someone could understand what I am going through instead of scolding me for oversleeping and skipping breakfast and lunch. I know it would be extravagant to say that. But trust me, I feel like I have no control over what I am feeling. I feel like I will always be a failure to my parents and myself. Being depressed isn't something I do on purpose. It just lives with me. Whenever it sees a chance, it takes over my mind and just glues me to my bed. I feel tired doing nothing all day. I dream things from distant past, that still tortures me.
I think right now all I need is a good long shower. I smell. I didn't shower yesterday. I didn't shampoo my hair for 3 days. It stinks. I put on some hair oil. And then I came here to write so the oil sinks in. I can't shampoo right away, it won't have any benefit if I do. After I shower, I will sit with my management book. Study for the mid, at least try. I would have to force myself to sleep at night, because I have a class in the morning tomorrow, and I have to look fresh and motivated.
She couldn't sleep
In fantasies deep
A hundred secrets to keep
She tossed and turned
She wrote her wishes
As the midnight
Oil burned
He wrote that for me. Gosh why am I going through our old messages. I can't be thinking about a guy who I didn't even meet in person. I can't be that desperate.
Everyone went to T's place today, I am seeing the snaps now. T told me to come. I made up an excuse. But seeing the snaps, I kind of feel like a left out. I could have gone. I should have left my bed and get dressed, I owed myself that. But I couldn't make up the courage to tell my mom that I wanna hangout. They don't like me hanging out with my friends much. They would say, Go study for a change. Besides I went out a lot this week, so I can use some time at home. I can really use that. Okay done with introverting for now. I gotta shower. Bye.
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